That’s what I feel like my mind is doing right now.
It formed a protective shell around itself when I was being raped and went to sleep like a hibernating animal (complete with cold environment) and now at long last it is starting to stir in its slumber and move around a little in an attempt to wake itself up.
Of course, it helps that it’s actually spring out there.
The weather and the season could not be more thematically apropos.
I’m so glad that I am through with trying to solve my depression logically. Now I am reaching deep into my emotional core and feeding as much of my coruscating mental overcharge right back into the heart of my darkness as I can and I will keep doing that until this lonely frozen heart of mine thaws out, heats up, and comes back to life.
I can feel the warmth of dawn on the horizon and I am going to keep on striving until I make it there and can let myself relax and trust that the sunlight will keep me alive.
Because right now, it feels like I am racing death. Like my exit from my latest infection really made me realize I am, in fact, alive, and I want to stay that way.
And not just in the sense of my physical health.
I don’t just want to be alive, I want to feel alive. I want to look forward to life and view the world as a good and happy place and reach out to give life a great big hug.
Just go with it, life. Don’t make this weird.
And this is more than just aimless longing or wistful dreaming. I can feel this new consciousness stirring within me and it feels like a homecoming.
Like I am finally going to turn into the broad shouldered and expansive person who spreads sunshine wherever he goes that I have always been on the inside.
Very deep inside. So deep that I had to become a fox to let it out.
And I know I can become a more expansive and joyful and life affirming version of myself. One with a full range of human emotional responses because I have finally dug down deep enough to find my id and hook it up.
One who can feel the sun on his face and in his heart and who can truly enjoy his own gifts instead of treating them like a weird roommate you get along okay with but don’t relate to at all.
They are me. I am them. We are we. We are all together.
And as I grow in the sunshine, I will reclaim all these lost and frozen parts of me that never got hooked up and activated because my development was so arrested.
Well, you know what I say : better latent than never.
Fuck the past. It’s dead, it’s gone, it’s forever lost. All that matters is the future because that’s where you will be spending the rest of your life.
So let’s try to have fun with it, okay?
More after the break.
Sleeping weirds time
Just woke up from a nap and it’s 8:45 PM and totally dark outside and that, as usual, is kind of messing with my head.
The human mind – or at least my model – does not like it when you go to sleep when it’s light out and wake when it’s dark
That’s not how it’s supposed to work! insists my circadians.
Oh well, it’s no big deal. Everything will right itself soon enough. And in the meantime, I can revel in the thrilling novelty of a slightly different brand of stumbling incoherence.
Further bulletins as events warrant.
Yeah I would say I am not particularly well brained at the moment.
So the words are not coming easily. Having a hard time thinking of something I want to write about, so here I am, babbling in text.
Oh. In case you were wondering, the problem I was having in my current game got resolved eventually. I just needed to extract my cranium from my anal cavity.
And it made me realize how often I have ended up in similar binds because my mind is very good at following a train of thought to its logical conclusion BUT extremely bad at backtracking from a dead end in order to find the right path.
It’s like I hop from logical lilypad to lilypad extremely fast and in a blaze of intuition and inspiration, logical associations clicking like relays in the telephone system, and usually that gets me to the right conclusion at lightning speed.
But if one of those lily hops is in error, I won’t realize it until I suddenly come upon a brick wall and have to come to a screeching halt and now I have no idea where the hell I am or how to get back on track.
Genius lets you screw up in ways ordinary minds can’t even conceive of, I guess.
Kind of suggests there’s a link between my high speed mental capacities and my usual state of confusion, doesn’t it? Like I am always popping off on these long journeys that follow a particular line of reasoning without thought as to finding my way home again.
I just go baying after the insight I seek or the truth I am after like a pack of hound dogs and I don’t come back to what passes for local reality till I have found my prey.
Only then do I look around and realize I don’t know where the fuck I am.
No wonder I never end up writing about whatever it was I starting out planning to write.
Oh, that old subject? That’s like, a million lilypads ago. I am way over here now.
And I think I enjoy the exploration involved too much to ever want to slow down and follow some boringly linear path.
After all, if I know exactly where I am going to end up, what’s the point of going?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.