Had a telephone chat with Doctor Madhani this afternoon.

Apparently, I got the call because they had a cancellation and thus I was able to talk to my very busy and important neurologist before next Xmas.

To be honest, I had kind of forgotten who even ordered that MRI.

Anyhow, she called to go over the results, and alas, they were not good,

Or bad. Basically, she found nothing that could be causing my issues. Damn it.

So I will continue to fall apart for no apparent reason. Bummer. Neurological causes have been eliminated as have the related myoelectric causes. So we have made a certain amount of progress.

But it was not the diagnosis and treatment I was hoping for.

i shared my thought with her that it was actually some kind of pain disorder. Because you see, when she testing my muscle strength, my muscles were perfectly strong.

Turns out I have been calling it muscle weakness just because I could not think of a better term for what it means when it hurts like hell to put weight on a muscle.

And it certainly feels like my muscles are weak as a result. Certainly, in the runup to my August 22 hospitalization, when I could barely make it around the apartment without my muscles giving out on me and ending up slumping to the floor (all the while in terrible pain) ^[1], muscle weakness seemed to be the problem.

But when not being called upon to bear my enormous weight, the muscles seem to be able to generate power just fine.

So essentially, the problem is very, very weird.

It’s always possible that the whole thing is psychosomatic. It could conceivably be that this whole thing was a result of my subconscious mind making me even more weak and helpless than before as a form of hidden age regression.

But I don’t think so. My pain is very real and it keeps getting worse and I am now more terrified than ever that by the time they figure out what the fuck is wrong with me, it will be far too late to do anything about it.

Wouldn’t that be just fucking ducky.

One bit of good news : Doctor Madhani says that there is nothing indicating that it would be a bad idea for me to exercise.

So I might look into that. I know I will have to overcome a lot of raw internal resistance in order to get something like that moving, but I want to walk again, dammit.

I should also talk to Doctor Chao again about physio. I know I talked to him about it before but I don’t know where we came down on it.

And that’s a whole other story.

Also, if it’s a pain problem, then theoretically stronger pain meds, or just more Gabapentin, might be able to help with the symptoms.

I doubt it. This pain isn’t coming from nowhere. There has to be something seriously wrong with me in order for me to end up like this.

But it’s a thought.

More after the break.

---

Jimmy and Baby

It’s a tad too violent for my tastes, like I said in the comments, but wow, what a rip-roaring ride through Pandemonium! You don’t need to watch the whole thing, just watch a sample to get the gist of what an extraordinary piece of work it is.

If they just replaced the violence with sex, I would be SO into it! 🙂

I mean, it’s Hell! There should be some nudity at least.

YouTube might not like that so much. Damn it.

That’s what Pornhub is for I guess.

It’s such a happy place.

---

A weird space

I’ve been in a weird head space lately.

I guess that’s what happens when you are destroying the machinery and mass that has kept you down for so long. My psyche is undergoing a major restructuring and that is bound to create a weird “in between” mood temporarily.

So I feel like I have been both happier and sadder than ever before lately. On the one hand, I have been very “into” my gaming lately and getting a lot more out of it, and there are periods where instead of merely being too preoccupied to be depressed, I am actually feeling positive and good.

I want more of that.

On the other hand, there are these moments in between activities where the drop in stimulus levels triggers a terrible feeling of depression. Like my whole soul is sagging.

I can power through those pretty easily. But I am beginning to wonder if I should stick with one and see what it is trying to tell me one of these times.

I have done a lot of harm to myself in order to “keep going”. Slowing down and actually dealing with my shit might make for a refreshing change.

And I could finally do some much needed maintenance on myself. I am almost completely ignorant of the very root concepts of self-care. I do not know what to do to make myself feel better, nourish my spirit, or even just relax my bloated body.

I have spent far too long just plain not dealing with things. I am probably still doing it – I will not pretend realizing this makes the problem go away.

It’s a good start. But it’s only a start.

I wish some powerful and wise being from entirely outside myself could come into my life and make me feel safe and calm and teach me how to live.

But I don’t even believe in that kind of thing. No such person exists. I am, as always, completely on my own, without guidance or support.

I guess that’s going to have to be enough.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

---