Oh hey, it’s another video from this dude, with a list for me to reply to and everything!

And it’s abut being a burden to others, which I um…. know a lot about.

So let’s dive in!

First, the list. You have this problem if you are:

a) Afraid to ask for help. Ayup. Even from people whose whole job is to help people like me, like receptionists and nurses. This does have the beneficial side effect of my learning, out of sheer nervousness, to be very warm and personable to these people. I guess I am trying to charm them into helping me?

b) Afraid to inconvenience anyone else. Same thing, really, so ayup. I automatically assume that I am not important and unworthy of anyone’s time or effort.

c) Afraid to burden anyone with your problems. That’s me alright. And that even includes my therapist, although over the years I’ve at least gotten over that with him. And of course, I can write them down here whenever I need to.

d) Afraid to put too much on anyone. Kinda the same thing, so yeah. I do, in a sense, try to avoid putting too much of my bullshit on any single person, knowing full well that there isn’t a person a live who could handle all of it. Even me, really.

e) Think everyone is either too busy for you or has their own problems to deal with. Roger that. I am nobody’s priority. I assume myself to be an afterthought at best. Nobody really wants to hear from me and people are better off if I don’t bother them by reminding them of my existence.

f) Don’t think you’re a priority or are worthy of people’s time and energy, Um yeah. See the previous response. My whole childhood drummed this lesson into me : I deserve absolutely nothing. I don’t even deserve to take up space.

g) Don’t want to be “too much” for people because they may abandon you. That’s the fear, yeah. I feel like people barely tolerate me to begin with so the last thing I want to do is overload them.

h) Afraid to look weak, dependent, or needy. That ship sailed a long time ago. Whether or not I am afraid of it, it’s happening. So no to this one.

i) Proud of being a strong, independent person. Pride yourself on being self-sufficient. Permit me a dry, ironic laugh. Ahahahahaha, no. I am 51 years old and I have been dependent on others for all but about a year of that. And even then, I needed help from Ravenwood to get my bachelor apartment and to apply for welfare.

j) Conclude that the goal in life, and the sign of being healthy, is to be self-sufficient – to not need anybody. Another big NO from me on this one. I mean yeah, that’s my long term goal – to finally be able to do everything myself, or at least get it done by paying someone to do it. And that would be a sign of being healthy to me. But that’s not going to happen any time real soon.

k) Are validated for taking on lots of responsibility and helping others. I wish! Maybe I will be strong enough for this eventually. But not now.

l) Think people will judge you if you ask for help or are incompetent to do things on yur own. I have always assumed that this is happening. I would be very surprised if nobody but me was doing it.

m) Convince yourself that you don’t have needs or shut down so you can cope. A tentative yes on this one. In the moment, I can totally convince myself that I don’t really need anything per se, because the alternative would be to ask someone for something and that’s clearly not on. See a).

n) Take any sign of others’ tiredness, or “having a hard day”, as a reason to not ask for anything. Oh god, yes. Nothing would make my resolve to ask for something shrivel up and die faster than sensing that the other person is already tired or feeling put upon by life.

I think that’s enough for now. I will do the other 4 after I get home from Denny’s.

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o) Often feel abandoned – nobody cares for you. Another resounding YES. Feeling abandoned and forgotten is always on a hair trigger with me – it’s a feeling that can pop up in an instant at any time, even when it’s patently untrue. I mean, Julian literally cares for me, and yet, that feeling of bereft isolation is always there just below the surface, waiting to rise up and take over. It’s a bad tape I need to erase.

p) More alert to the needs of other than your own. Eh, I’m iffy on this one. Truth be told, I am often too lost in my own pain to put someone else’s ahead of my own. That said, when I do sense that someone is suffering, I feel great waves of sympathy and concern and I desperately want to help them. I want – maybe even need – to be the person I needed when I was in acute distress.

q) When you have a need you need help with, instead of admitting it, you conclude that it must only be because you are weak, too tired, or having a bad day. I’ve gotten a lot better about this kind of thing but I still have a long way to go. MY default mode is still, “I am suffering because I suck”, basically. This problem of mine, whatever it is, is entirely because of my inherent awfulness which I am helpless to correct and yet still hate myself for, and the last thing I want to do is confess this awfulness to someone else in order to beg for help. That could not possibly lead to a good outcome. It could only make people push me away in revulsion and contempt and thus leave me TRULY abandoned and alone.

r) Conclude that the reason you have needs is that you are too lazy. More or less yes. Too lazy, too broken, too pathetic, too disgusting, too weak, too unworthy, too worthless, too clumsy, and too much of a liability. To name a few.

That took up more words than I thought it would.

As you can see, my self esteem is still not so great. On a good day, I can not only remember how awesome I am, I can even feel it a little.

But for the most part I remain weary and limp and unable to generate the impulse to do anything but the usual with myself.

I’m working on it.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.