I believe that the world contains everything I need.
I believe that the world contains everything I need.
I BELIEVE THAT THE WORLD CONTAINS EVERYTHING I NEED.
Repeat until…. well, you know.
I was watching a video by my new parasocial pal Heidi Priebe and thinking that she was making a lot of good points but nothing that really grabbed me when she said something about how viewing the world as a cold and empty and hostile place makes you cut yourself off from the world (or maybe it goes the other way around) and so in order to heal, you have to believe that all the things you need in order to heal and be healthy and happy and strong are out there in the world and it’s up to me to go get it.
Ka pow. Mind = blown.
It seems so obvious now. I have been cold and hostile toward the world for a very long time. I guess that’s what happens when you’re raped when you’re a toddler.
But I have now realized that it’s a closed loop. What’s my evidence that the world is a cold and hostile and empty place? The fact that it feels that way to me. And why does it feel that way to me? Because I’ve cut myself off from the world. And why did I cut myself off from the world?
Because the world is a cold and hostile and empty place!
It’s like that snake that eats its own asshole.
Logically, I know that all generalizations about “life” or “the world” or “reality” are absurdly illogical and based entirely on how you feel about the world and not on any actual insight into the nature of things.
Because you can’t possible know enough to make that kind of judgment. And for any such massive assumptions you can find ample evidence of the opposite.
War. Love. Hate. Understanding. Ignorance. Enlightenment. Prejudice. Tolerance.
I could go on and on. And I often do.
I know all this, and yet I have had these misconceptions about “the world” for a very long time and I can see now that this nadir of negative narrative has to go.
I feel like I now have a key mantra to use in order to deconstruct that wall inside me. It’s giving me the inspiration and courage to lower my barriers and reach out into the world so I can find the things I am longing for.
That means I have to make peace with wanting things and not getting them right away. To instead just live with the longing until it is fulfilled.
That’s how reality works for healthy people. They don’t sunder and cauterize their entire ability to want things just because they might not ever get them.
That’s not how it’s supposed to work. That’s a cure that’s far worse than the disease.
Of course, looked at another way, what we are talking about is my poor abused id. I need to not just connect with it but embrace it and love it and understand it so I can integrate it back into my personality.
And maybe somewhere there’s a lil red fox who can help him with that.
Fruvous is basically my inner child, especially in the solo stories where he’s a pet in a lovely household with a little girl who loves the dickens out of him.
But my regular ol anthro pervert fox form is my inner child too. He’s me without my inhibitions and limitations, free to be as flamboyant and silly and gay as I want to be.
I need to become that in the real world.
Just imagining that makes me giddy!
More after the break.
If I were Fru
For some reason, I’m hearing “If I were Fru” to the tune of this :
Now, to be clear, I’m not talking about actually becoming my potentially beloved anthropomorphic fox character Fruvous.
As awesome as it would be to be lap sized and fluffy and cute (and gorgeous), that would cause an awful lot of complications whether it’s happening in the real world (eek, a monster!) or a furry world where I would have to get a job or something.
I’d be a sex worker.
Remember kids, do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.
Seriously though, I’d be trying to become a human version of my cute fuzzy pal Fruvous, with all his extroversion, charm, lovability, and appeal.
And boy, would I have a lot of…. um, paramours.
I don’t know how else to put it. “Friends with occasional benefits” is too long and too cold. “Guys I’m into but don’t have sex with per se” is just plain wrong. “People I think of as friends and often snuggles up with” works a little.
Would “cuddle buddies” be too cutesy?
Anyhow, as Fruvous on Tapestries, I am very extroverted, at least compared to RL.
Here’s my extroverted online traits :
- Lots of friends. I have a pretty wide circle of friends on Tapestries. There’s a core eight to ten that I see and/or chat with regularly and then loads of people I either only seen once in a while or whom I consider acquaintances because we just keep ending up hanging out in the same places but I don’t really known them.
- Pathological need for attention. This is a main driving force for me on Taps. I need constant interaction or I get sad and bored and leave to go find somewhere where someone might pay attention to me. It doesn’t have to be adoration or anything like that, just any level of friendly interaction. Cuddles a plus.
- The nerve to just walk up to people and introduce myself. And to chat them up and make a play for them. As Fruvie, I will totally see someone I am interested in and turn on the charm and the funny and the cute. It can quite honestly be a tad overwhelming for some fuzzies but meh, I am what I am. And sometimes I get shot down like a SCUD missile and it doesn’t really bother me at all. I just tell myself that if they can’t see how awesome I am, I don’t want them anyhow.
- Feeling free to really express who I am at full volume and with great enthusiasm and no inhibition. This might be the biggest one. In the real world, I am shy and awkward and tend to mute my big personality in order to not stand out or draw attention to myself. As Fruvous…. I don’t have that problem.
That’s why I think I am actually an extrovert turned into an introvert by mental illness. The true story is that I am probably somewhere in between. On the one hand, I will always hate crowded parties, need alone time, and love to curl up with a book. On the other hand, I could easily be the life of any party.
I will just need to take a Xanax first.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.