This is one of those messages I want to give to young people.

Life is work, kids. Life takes effort. No matter what you want out of life – even if all you want is to eat Doritos and play Xbox – there is going to be a certain amount of effort involved in gaining and maintaining that lifestyle.

Note that I am not saying that life is nothing but work. Far from it. What I am saying is that even the most fecklessly hedonistic lifestyle will involve some effort.

You will have to do things you don’t want to do. Get used to the idea. Even billionaires have to do things they don’t feel like doing sometimes.

Even if all they need to do is yell for their assistants to do stuff.

The key thing to remember is that effort is not the enemy. And a big part of growing up it realizing and accepting that.

When you’re a kid in school, they make you do stuff you don’t want to do all the time. So do your parents and other authority figures. And so life becomes divided into two modes : the doing stuff you don’t want to do mode, which sucks and you hate it, and then there’s when you’re home or it’s the weekend or it’s summer, when you can do what you want and it’s awesome and you love it.

In such a situation, it makes sense to try to minimize effort, because almost everything in life comes to you without effort or investment so trying to get away with doing as little as possible has no negative consequences.

Worst thing that can happen is you have a messy bedroom. And parents who are pissed off at you for not doing your chores.

So hating work and effort and doing things you don’t want to do makes sense when you are a kid. But when you are an adult, everything changes.

Even if you’re still living with your parents and your Mom is still taking care of the house, unless they are very well off, you are still not going to be able to get everything you want without working for it.

Take dating. Dating takes money. You’re not going to get very far with a lot of people if all you can do with them is take a nice walk in the park.

But even if you’re incel AF and are fine with a completely solo sex life, you are still going to want things that are not free.

Like video games, or a car, or your own place to live where you don’t have to follow your parents’ room, or just the dignity of being employed.

And for all those things, you will need to leave home and get a job. And that means, at long last, growing up.

You’re on your own now. You’re responsible for yourself and your own wellbeing. Whether your life sucks or rocks is now up to you.

Maybe you’ve decided that effort is never worth it and therefore if something takes effort it’s inherently not worth doing.

That’s your choice. But look around you at the world. Note that billions of human beings seem to think all kinds of things are worth the effort.

Like having a job, for one.

Is it possible that they are getting things from life that are not visible from the sidelines? Could it be that they know something you don’t and you can only learn what they know by doing what they do? Might it even be possible that life is way better than it seems?

Because here’s the thing : I’m not trying to convince you that toiling away is wonderful.

All I am saying is that you could be having a hell of a lot more fun.

But you have to invest effort in life to get there.

It’s like there’s a million dollar check with your name on it, but you have to work at McD’s for a year in order to get it.

It would seem worth it then, wouldn’t it?

More after the break.

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All of the above

Unsurprisingly, I am more or less talking to myself in Part I.

Those are all things I wish I could send back in time to my younger, healthier self to maybe galvanize him (me) into getting his (my) life in gear.

It probably wouldn’t work, come to think of it. If I really wanted to tell my younger self something useful, I’d tell him not to let our parents take us out of UPEI.

That would have saved me the last 30 years of fucking depression.

I was thinking about that time period earlier today, and it occurred to me that even before their withdrew their financing, they acted like my brother and I were doing something wrong just by needing to go to college just like my sisters did before us and like we were promised our whole lives.

At the time, I didn’t think much of it because quite frankly I had been treated like an unwanted expense and made to feel guilty for existing for my whole life and so to me, that was perfectly normal.

But what occurred to me is that, looking back, we didn’t do anything wrong. They did. They fucked up by not saving up for the entirely predictable expense of sending me to college when I left high school.

And by not paying for my brother to go at all before then, which is one of many injustices my poor bro has suffered.

Male pattern baldness being another.

So yeah, my parents had tons of time to save up for mine and my brother’s inevitable college education but they just kind of forgot about my brother and me and then acted like it was our fault that we, ya know, needed things.

Fucking Boomers, am I right?

I mean, if they had deposited a dollar a day in the bank from the day I was born till my 18th birthday, they would have saved up $6570, which would have paid for four years tuition and a small bite of the other expenses.

Could have done the same for my brother Dave, too.

I am positive there were things we could done without to make that happen.

But no, somehow, they didn’t think that far ahead.

And that was apparently our fault somehow.

Really chaps your asshole, dunnit?

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

My PC continues to crash when I play certain games. Grr.

Its latest trick is to let me play Borderlands 3 or Morrowind for the exact amount of time it takes for me to get really into the game and forget it’s going to crash, then crash.

It’s… toying with me, isn’t it?

And like I’ve said before, it really feels like the universe is trying to force me to stop playing video games and do something productive with my life.

And I appreciate the effort but I have a lot of bad wiring – stuffed in wherever and all the same color – to untangled and sort before the logjam in my head clears and I can actually just decide to do that kind of thing.

I keep peeling away layers of mental malfunction by writing on this blog, but sometimes it feels like I’m trying to dig to the center of an infinite onion.

I’m not. I know that. I can easily feel the difference between my subjective reality of today and the subjective reality of even two weeks ago. I know that I am making progress in freeing my mind from its convoluted contortions so that some day soon I might actually be free of myself.

And that means being free of the fear.

Or maybe just not giving a shit about it any more. I dunno.

Lately I have been pondering whether it would be easier and better to just accept that anything useful I want to do will trigger a major dam-burst of pent up energy to immediately dump a bunch of anxiety into my brain and instead of letting that stop me, just going ahead and ignoring all the bullshit happening in my brain.

Just treat the anxiety like an annoying buzzing of my parietal lobe and do my best to tune it out so I can get shit done.

The important thing is to establish that it’s not in charge any more.

But I think it’s about more than that. Like I said when I was talking about indecision yesterday, the anxiety may just be a smokescreen for hiding and/or excusing the fact that my deeper child-self just does not want to grow up.

My greater and more conscious self does. It wants that very badly. The decades I have wasted doing jack shit with myself weigh heavily on me and I very much want to finally learn to fly and become an adult and build some kind of normal life for myself already.

But that’s my outer adult. My inner child wants none of that. Nuh-uh, no siree.

And I think that has to do with a feeling of exposure. That scared little animal at my core has been hiding deep, deep inside me ever since I was raped at the age of 4 and when try to imagine truly leaving the nest and learning to fly, I can feel it gasping and delving even deeper into my mind like a startled cockroach fleeing the light and trying to put as many layers of defenses and excuses between it and the harsh light of reality as it can.

And I don’t currently know how to put a stop to that. We’re talking about a very primal defense mechanism that has been there ever since a stranger’s cock shattered my life forever back in 1977 and that is burned into the very physical structure of my brain and forms the foundation of my entire psyche.

So I don’t know how to convince that scared little animal that it’s safe for it to come out of the shadows and be seen and loved and accepted.

The urge to run and hide is still so very strong. And it’s not exactly rational, so it’s not like it can be reasoned with or talked out of anything.

There has to be some way to get it the love and healing it needs.

I am open to suggestions.

More after the break.

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Just gimme money

So there I was, all ready to do my once a week ordering in tonight, which is a Wednesday night. But then my deep caution/paranoia kicked in, and I decided that I really should check the balance on my credit card first.

And it’s a good thing I did, because I’ve only got $127 left on there. And my grocery budget is $60/week, and there’s two weeks till next Deposit Day.

And groceries are the one thing I absolutely must pay for with the card because I order my groceries online.

If I couldn’t, I would have to go back to making up a grocery list and handing it to Julian so he can go shop for me in person, and that stresses us both out, I think.

I know I don’t miss it. Thank God that DoorDash does groceries now.

Then, because my financial paranoia had been activated, I counted my cash… and I came up $50 short. Should have had $190 in bills, had $140.

That triggered a full on panic attack. Patient readers know that my financial and emotional states are intimately linked and I was freaking out.

Luckily, I hadn’t dropped a $50 bill somewhere, it was just stuck to another bill. Phew!

Then I go to take my Wednesday night meds…. and there are my Wednesday morning meds sitting there pristine and untouched.

So apparently I completely spaced on taking my fistful o’ meds this morning.

It’s way too late for it now. All I can do is take those now surplus meds and find an empty pill bottle to stick them in and move on.

But this has not been a good day for me.

Of course, all the computer crashing didn’t do anything good for my nerves either.

Of the two crash test games. Borderlands 3 and Morrowind, Morrowind is the one that crashes fastest. Which is ironic given that it’s ancient.

I may try turning down the graphics settings. A galling thought, given what a monster Mister Computer is. but he’s a monster with a bad heart (power supply), so here we are.

It can be surprisingly stressful to be me.

Imagine if I actually had a life!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

Let us return to the subject of my internal struggles.

Mostly, I fight my own motivations. No matter how badly I want to go out and play with the other kids, the overwhelming majority of my force of will tells me to stay still and out of sight in order to stay “safe”.

Or if not “safe” (after all, I’m locked in here with my demons, for fuck’s sake) then at least in a low stimulus state where my intense anxieties are not activated.

Nor is anything else, for that matter. My torpor is static.

And that is, for me, what is “normal”. It’s not what is good for me by a long shot but it’s what I am used to and that has to be enough.

Mental illness is funny that way, Mine does not take my dreams, ambitions, desires, or preferences into account, let alone my long term wellbeing.

All that matter is being “safe”.

Why? Because I have been stuck in a “freeze” response for decades. I am like an animal hiding from predators that only exist in my head. The decades old programming in my head insists that the only way for me to be “safe” is to remain undetected.

Safe from what, though?

Because there’s nothing out there waiting to pounce. It is like I am quite literally afraid of nothing. I could (disability aside) walk amongst the everyday people of the world and be just as safe as everyone else. I don’t have to treat the rest of humanity as a threat.

I’m just fine whether I am in my womb/tomb or out in the world.

Tell that to my endocrine system, though. It still floods me with fear-charged adrenaline when I so much as ponder going outside my tiny safety zone.

I now have four tabs perpetually open for places that could really help me but with each of them, I walked up to the precipice of participation then balked and ran away.

Because I’m scared to death (almost literally) to leave my cruel but cozy nest here in my self-sealed Thermos of a life. No matter how badly I want to get out of this hole I’m in and finally become a grownup, that fear keeps me locked in place and stuck in a life of playing video games and unstructured blogging.

Well, unformatted, anyhow.

And it’s the video games that truly define my captivity. Whenever I think about finally getting around to jump starting my life, I think about having to leave video games behind for even an hour and a cold terror overwhelms me and I end up doing nothing.

They are not just a hobby, they are my security blanket. Most of my time is spend with their comfort within easy reach. They are my substitute for living.

And I know that my mental health journey will necessarily involve leaving them behind, at least for short periods. Even though the addiction, like all addictions, makes me feel like I will die of exposure if I leave its warmth.

And a fix is never more than a few clicks away.

To an addict like myself, there is nothing worse than having one’s supply cut off. To even imagine such a thing fills the pit of my stomach with ice and sends deathly chills through my entire bloodstream.

Goddamn over-aggressive parasympathetic system.

But I can conceive of a sort of umbilicus. A way to stay connected with my self-destructive self-soothing mechanism while also exploring the possibility of actually working for a living.

I just need a video game that I can multitask with web browsing. These are not hard to find, The world is full of web-based games.

Plus there are traditional PC games which could be multitasked. They just have to be turn based enough that I can alt-tab out of them into my browser without my losing anything or making the reentry too jarring.

This could be done.

It might be done.

But not right now. Right now, I need to lay down for a bit.

More after the break.

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On feeling sandbagged

I’ve had a very sleepy day.

To the point where, when I was woken up by my alarm at 8 am, it took me until 8:20 AM to even get out of bed.

That time period is pretty much a blur for me now. A stretch of non-time.

Then I managed to get up, eat breakfast, take my morning fistful o’ meds, hug my fluffy friends, and then crawl back into bed around 9:30 am, still super sleepy.

Luckily, Wound Care was not until 11:15 am, which meant leaving at 10:55 am, which meant I needed to be up at around 10:40 am in order to have fifteen minutes in which to get dressed et al.

My life is bound by the clock. I am more than fine with this.

I mean. SOMETHING has to give me some god damned structure. I am apparently incapable of doing it myself.

By myself, I am naught but goo.

I must cling to stronger entities for support, like a creeping vine.

Anyhow, I was awoken by my alarm at 10:40 am feeling terrible. I managed to get dressed okay, but the moment when I had to heave my bulk aloft and actually stand up felt like jumping out of an airplane.

Like, I understood the concept, but doing it felt immense.

But I managed. Luckily, I was so out of it that it did not occur to me that this was one of those circumstances when I maybe shouldn’t go until I was already on my feet and walking to my bedroom door and it was easier to just go.

Besides that, I am fairly sure that this is just sleep debt catching up with me and not a sign that I have caught a bug.

After all, I have no other symptoms besides sleepiness.

When we got back from Wound Care shortly before noon, I of course immediately went back to bed. In the hours since then I have been asleep more than I have been awake.

So it’s one of my sleepy days.

Oh well, it’s not like I had anything better to do anyway,

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

Included for reference only.

I was watching the Patrick Teahan video linked above when it occurred to me that maybe I am not as indecisive as I think I am.

Yes, I have now decided that I might not be indecisive. Or whatever.

What sparked this revelation was Patrick talking about someone having decision issues when it came to picking what to order in a restaurant.

I have never had that problem except in a very minor way when I have showed up at the restaurant super hungry and it makes everything look so good.

But most of the time, it’s no big deal. I look over the menu, pick something, order it an eat it, and all with almost never second guessing my choice.

I don’t really care if there was something I would have objectively enjoyed more. I ordered something I liked, ate it and enjoyed it, and that met the brief.

Mission accomplished. On to the next thing.

The question therefore becomes why I can’t be that decisive in other areas of my life. This “decide and move on” thing is clearly the best life strategy. Agonizing over even relatively minor decisions is a terrible way to live. So why can’t I change?

Let’s review what we know :

1. Indecision is bullshit. If you can’t decide, odds are that there is a bigger issue that is using the kind of mental fog that produces indecision as a cover. You have to ask yourself what will happen after you have decided. If you can answer that, you will probably find that it’s the real thing you’re avoiding dealing with.
2. Indecision stems from lack of id. Like with the Two Kirks. Without his id, Kirk was vacillating and indecisive. That’s because when the outcomes cannot be computed or predicted, the only way a decision can be reached is emotionally, by gut instinct or the mood of the moment. Awesome leaders like James T. Kirk synthesize intellect and instinct into something greater than their sum.
3. Indecision is rooted in fear. At the heart of torturous indecision is a very exaggerated and oversized fear of negative consequences. And this fear only gets worse over time because the nature of it prevents its conclusions from ever being tested. After all, if you never decide, there is never any chance for your fears to be disproven by the perfectly ordinary non-catastrophic consequences of your choice. This is how the con job in point 1 works. The worst phobias are always the ones that prevent you from finding out if what they tell you is true.
4. Indecision is all about me. The things I can’t decide on, to the point of utter paralysis, are always things directly involving myself. When I am not part of the equation, I can be extremely decisive and direct. I guess that’s because it bypasses that outsized fear of negative outcomes and turns the decision into a mere problem to be solved. And that, I can do.

I am sure there’s more points but I won’t think of them until later.

I can certainly say that my inability to get my life going towards emotional adulthood is not primarily an issue of indecision.

Sure, I could keep bullshitting myself by pretending it’s about not being able to choose from the billions of possibilities inherent in every moment, but I’d know it was a lie.

The truth is that said indecisiveness would just be a mask for my being too scared of life to leave my hermetically sealed video game based life.

Just the thought of going away from my PC gaming security blanket makes me feel like I’m about to break out in hives.

I have so much anxiety and fear in me and it just gets in the way of everything.

Maybe the real problem is that I need to get laid.

More after the break.

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Back to reality

Got rudely dumped back into the stupid real world by my computer crashing not just once but twice in the last hour.

And while playing a game as ancient as Morrowind, too. Though admittedly, I have all the graphical settings maxed.

Still. I need that new power supply. This shit is getting on my nerves.

I still haven’t finished Pathfinder : Kingmaker. I am quite close to the end but I hit yet another extremely difficult fight and after failing at it for like the sixth or seventh time I just ran out of gas.

I mean, I have already played the damned thing for only a pussy hair less than 250 hours. What more does it want from me, blood?

But I am not beaten yet. I am pretty sure the fight I am stuck on is optional, so if I restore a saved game from before I started it, I can avoid it.

Or I can turn down the difficulty level for that one fight. That would do serious damage to my pride but if it gets me to the end of the damned game it might be worth it.

Or I could outright cheat by downloading a save-game editor or the like. In a way, that would hurt my pride less than turning the difficulty down.

I guess because it would make me feel vaguely clever? Ha ha, you stupid game, you thought you had me but I hacked you instead?

Sort of sad but not as bad.

I have pretty much abandoned Fallout 2. It just can’t compete with modern games for me. And it’s not just in terms of graphics and sound.

It felt like the action routinely ground to a halt and I lost all plot momentum on a regular basis. I would get quests and have no idea how to pursue them.

Shames me to admit it but I guess I am used to more hand-holding and guidance from the game as to how I do whatever is next. I’m not equipped to figure it out on my own.

Not that I ever had much patience for that in the first place.

I want to DO STUFF, not sit here and think!

I do that enough on my own!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

From now on, I’m going to just… live.

That’s as far as I’ve gotten.

It’s very hard to articulate, but I will, of course, try.

The thought came to me after a long chain of other thoughts about childhood and innocence and how children see things as they are, without expectation or anticipation, because to them, every experience is brand new.

And I can remember when life was like that for me. Just barely.

In particular, I was thinking about how kids can meet one another and make friends far more easily than us adults precisely because they have such a low burden of expectation and trauma and so on.

They just want someone to play with.

That is, sadly, not how it tended to work out for me. I was too strange. I couldn’t connect with or relate to other kids my age.

But that innocent frame of mind is there for most kids, and it was while thinking about that blessed state that something inside of me just… relaxed.

I think maybe it was my returning to how a child sees things that did it. A large chunk of the edifice of unhealed trauma and frozen feeling just kind of fell away and suddenly I could see life like a child does, in terms purely of what would be fun to do in the immediate future, that catalyzed in my mind as, “Just live. ”

Forget all about expectations and humiliations and limitations and all the other garbage that I’m slowly smothering under and just concentrate on enjoying myself.

Like all my recent big revelations, it doesn’t sound like much when put into words. Perhaps that’s not a coincidence. I have been saying that my problems are emotional, not intellectual, for quite some time.

It would therefore make sense if the real work I have to do has to happen on a level way below what can be reached by words and rational thought.

I’d better hold on to that thought really tight because that could save me a hell of a lot of mental masturbation and slow and tedious intellectualization and let me get directly to the business of healing myself.

At least in theory. As I have expressed before, I am fairly skeptical of my ability to actually free myself from the surly bonds of intellectualization.

But I can at least loosen them enough for me to breathe.

Somewhere in this newly relaxed state also comes better self-esteem. After all, no matter what has come before or even where I am now, I am still a pretty amazing guy, and I should learn to enjoy that fact instead of depending on the world outside of my mind for all my validation and support.

The extra-cranial world can never provide enough “reward” to support my self-worth. Some of that has to come from within. There needs to be at least enough of this self-reward to support my going out into the world in pursuit of the other kind.

Otherwise. the symptoms of emotional starvation will prevent me from finding the very sustenance that would remedy it.

I think that today, I might have gotten a little glimpse of what life might be like if I wasn’t constantly wasting away on the inside from my unrewarding life.

And that glimpse gave me the most precious gift of all : hope. Hope that there really is all the emotional nutrients I need out there in the world and that I am actually capable of procuring them for myself instead of languishing in passivity.

Every day, the door to my cage opens a little bit more and my sorry soul gets a bit more sunshine and fresh air.

Maybe soon I will be strong enough to go out and play.

More after the break.

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The social debut of a fox

So like I have mentioned before, I am active on social media now.

It all started a few months ago when I started telling people (and myself, because I’m a people) that the only social media platform I am on is YouTube,

And I had said that something like a half dozen times before it really sank in to me that YouTube really doesn’t count.

I mean sure, I leave tons of comments on YouTube, and some of those comments do get replies now and then, but YouTube doesn’t have the kind of interconnectedness on an individual level where you follow specific people like Blue Sky or Instagram does.

Hence my reviving my long dormant Instagram account. I do not even remember when he heck I signed up for it or why. I can’t imagine a time when I didn’t feel like it, being heavily photo based, was not for me.

In all fairness, all I knew about it came from the media and stories about it making people feel horrible about themselves.

But now that I have gotten active on it, I can see that it is so much more than that. It might have started as photo based but now it’s just a particularly media rich social network. People post pictures, but also text comments, videos, random thoughts, political speech, and everything else under the sun.

It’s quite a rich milieu.

Still, I prefer Blue Sky. Like the entity formerly known as Twitter, it has other content but it’s still mostly a text based medium and that is where I am the most comfortable.

It’s in the world of words that I feel not just safe but competent and capable, and those are feelings in very short supply chez moi.

Also, Instagram, being irritatingly modern, tends to start playing videos the moment my mouse cursor passes over them, and that is very not cool for me.

NEVER AUTOPLAY ANYTHING. I cannot stress this enough.

But I keep going back to Instagram anyhow because it’s breathtakingly good at serving up the exact kind of content I like.

It’s… kind of creepy, in a way. But that’s the age we live in.

The age of computers using big data to predict us uncomfortably well.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

It is toxic to the soul to have to conceal who you really are.

We are born to express ourselves and our identity, and anything that interferes with that naturally creates a terrible tension between who we are on the inside and who it is safe to be on the outside.

This creates the exact kind of stress that shortens lifespans and worsens health outcomes. The feeling of constant danger as well as the cognitive dissonance of knowing who you really are but being forced by circumstance to pretend you are someone else gnaws away at one’s mental health and sense of identity and poisons one’s self-worth with guilt and self-loathing even if one is not consciously ashamed of who and what they are.

This situation is intolerable yet remains true of the daily lives of millions of people in all walks of life and in all corners of the globe.

We cannot truly call ourselves enlightened while this kind of thing is allowed to happen, and even backed by government force through the legal system. There are still many, many people in this day and age who think people deserve the harshest of penalties simply for being who they are rather than based on what they actually do.

But we know what all the hate is really about. It has nothing to do with the people supposedly being protected or anyone’s sense of real justice, oh no.

No, it’s about scapegoating. It’s about whatever group has been publicly identified as subhuman and monstrous and contemptable and that therefore can be the object of all your rage and frustration and hate to an unlimited amount and not only is this deemed acceptable by the dominant culture, it is celebrated as moral and good.

Remember, kids, there’s nothing wrong with hating a group of people to the point of frothing incoherence and an open willingness to commit acts of barbarous and sadistic acts of extreme torture and violence on said group as long as it’s the right group.

Get it right and you too can openly participate in absolute orgies of naked bloodthirsty slavering glee, knowing that not only will nobody think less of you for it, but many will happily join in out of eagerness to show they have the right hate too.

And because hate is just plain fun. Let’s not forget that.

The only caveat is that you have to do your research first. The designated hate target does change from time to time, and while the actual nature of the people in said group is absolutely irrelevant compared to the sheer joy of dumping excess rage on them, being caught displaying yesterday’s outrage is bound to be seen as a faux pas.

But don’t let that stop you. In fact, it should encourage you to hate them all the more, while it’s still in fashion.

In an atmosphere like that, is it any wonder that millions suffer in terrified silence, fearing for their very lives based on something about themselves that they didn’t choose and cannot ever change?

After all, not only is it not safe to be a member of today’s hate target, it is almost as dangerous to be seen showing anything sympathy to them whatsoever.

You don’t want people to think you’re one of them, do you? In fact, you will move heaven and Earth just to reassure people, in the most obsequious and toadying manner, that not only are you not one of them, you hate them even more than the socially required amount. By a lot!

So if one of them is being torn apart by an angry mob, absolutely nobody will ever come to their defense.

Not even the cops.

Thank God they’re not really human beings, right?

More after the break.

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Power to the people

Had a power outage here earlier.

Dunno how long it lasted because it happened while I was taking a nap. In fact I didn’t even know something was up till I went to turn on my bedside light and got nothing.

Click click. No light. Uh oh.

So I looked over at my computer and sure enough, absolutely none of the lights on the back of it were on and blinking.

That’s when I knew the truth ; I was in a blackout.

And I went through the usual stages of realizing just how fucked we are without electricity and sitting there wondering what the heck I am going to do with myself before accepting that all I could really do is go back to sleep.

I wasn’t completely boned. I have food that I keep here in the room with me and I could have had that in lieu of the microwaved baked potato and chicken strips dinner I had planned for myself earlier.

Turns out I didn’t need to do that, though, which is good, because while I would have been fed, I would not have gotten my Vitamin B12 for the day.

And at first, I thought I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep because this whole thing had me wound up and agitated. So I just lay there in the dark.

Then, just as I was about to drift off to sleep, the lights came back on.

And I was, of course, happy to have the power back… once I got over being annoyed that my sleep got interrupted.

Got up, started up Mister Computer, checked the time. I estimate that the power came back on at around 7:50 PM or so.

So I wasn’t even late for my dinner at 8 pm!

All in all, it wasn’t much of an adventure. All I did was lie there in bed. It was like my own miniature A la reserche de temps perdu. 

But what the heck, it was something different. Something besides my usual insular existence holed up and hiding from the big bad world I never had a chance to learn to handle before everything got taken away.

No wonder I “failed to launch”.

I had my power cut halfway to orbit!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

I haven’t had a lot of it.

Well, not the kind that involves other people at any rate. I have done my fair share of masturbating, and possibly someone else’s share too.

You weren’t using that, were you? Good.

But as for the non-solo form of sexual expression, I have had very little of it, and most of the sex I have had took place in the Nineties.

So it’s been an almost thirty year “dry spell”.

But that’s not that unusual. There’s a lot of people whose only sex partner is, sadly, their dominant hand.

Or their submissive hand, if that’s how you’re bent.

What is unusual in me is that I am not now nor have I ever been tormented by my lack of fucking. It rarely even enters my mind, and when it does, I view it as more of an itch to scratch rather than a drive to seek a playmate for a playdate.

That’s how painfully underdeveloped and out of touch with myself I am. It’s not a matter of a frustrated sex drive.

It’s about having a sex drive that is barely even hooked up to reality at all. Somehow the “seek a partner” stage has still not happened to me, and I am 51.

At this rate, my libido might die before I get laid at all.

And it’s not that I don’t want it. Trust me, I want it plenty. I would love to spend some time in a busy, active gay bath-house sowing the crap out of all the wild oats I have accumulated over the decades.

But outside that delectable scenario, the barriers to my finding that playmate are substantial. There’s my physical disability, which might complicate matters.

A lot of dudes would lose their ardor completely when they saw the walker.

But at least I can still get around in bed!

More troubling are my psychological issues. I can’t even begin to imagine using some kind of hookup app, or otherwise inviting strange men into my bed.

My social anxiety goes berserk at the very thought of it. It doesn’t like me being around people I don’t know even casually, let alone interacting more intimately.

You know. Up the butt and such.

So it’s hard for me to imagine crossing that great divide between me and the rest of humanity in search of sexual play.

Plus I am not built for casual sex. I get attached too easily. If the sex is good I’m going to want to “keep” that partner.

And to share intimacies with someone only to have them leave and never appear in my life again would break my fragile heart.

Plus there’s the fact that my true sexuality must remain forever cloaked in secrecy because it is considered extremely unacceptable in the world of today.

So the chance of me ever pursuing what I really want are nil. It’s far, far too dangerous. In fact I don’t forsee it being even a little safer in my lifetime, sad to say.

I suppose that’s really the heart of the problem. I like to think that I could pursue the normal sex life of an adult gay man but I don’t know if I can.

It might be that, no matter how hard I try, I would always feel like there is something missing and that would keep me from truly indulging myself freely.

Maybe for me, sex will always be a show. Something I do for, not with, others, Something where my own sexual needs barely enter into it.

If so, that is brutally tragic. I didn’t ask to be wired the way I am. But as far as we know, sexual imprinting is forever. It can’t be changed or “fixed”.

So whatever sexy sex is to you, you’re stuck with it, no matter what it is.

Yet we persecute people for theirs anyhow.

It doesn’t feel fair, does it?

More after the break.

---

Fuck my anxiety

I’m starting to get really sick of all this fucking anxiety in my head.

There’s way too much of it and I give it way too much control over what I can and cannot do. More specifically, I let it prevent me from doing damned near anything that isn’t in that narrow little corridor of possibilities I had taken as reality for far too long but was really just a picture show projected on the walls of my tiny cubical of a life in order to fool me into thinking I am free.

But it doesn’t matter how far I can see or how deeply I understand what is going on in all those pictures because it ultimately amounts to less than nothing if I can’t get up out of my seat and go investigate things in person.

There is a fully alive, intact, and realized version of myself slamming against the walls as it’s trying to escape its entombment and sooner or later this rubber room is not going to be able to hold it any more.

And I’m mostly just trying to stay the fuck out of its way and let the process proceed naturally instead of trying to control everything in the massively erroneous assumption that only things I control are “safe”.

Fuck that. I have no idea what I’m doing and neither does anyone else. I’d have much better results in life if I stopped trying to control everything (which is beyond futile) and instead concentrated on being the best version of me I can and learning to handle things as they come.

This will involve a lot of failing. That’s natural. That’s what being young is all about, even if you’re coming to youth very, very late in life like I am.

In the words of Bob Dylan : “I was so much older then/I’m younger than that now. ”

I keep coming back to the idea of just turning off my analysis engine of a brain and just going with my gut for a while.

I don’t know if I could actually do that. I’ve been hyper analytical for a very long time, much to my detriment.

But it’s a good thing to think about in order to at least warm up to the idea that I don’t know a god damned thing and the only way to cure that is to actually do stuff.

But I’m still so damned scared.

And I need to stop letting that stop me.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

.Say it with me now, “…and nothing matters.”

Yeah, I’m feeling nihilistic again.

This time, the trigger was looking at my open tabs and seeing Notd and FlexJobs still there, waiting for me to do something with them, plus a few new neglected tabs from the lovely people at March of Dimes Canada (MODC), who have a number of programs to help disabled folk like me get jobs.

Wouldn’t that be a hoot. Actual employment. I’d be a working pet then.

Maybe even get myself a cute little harness that says, “emotional support animal”.

I’d be really good at that.

But these things end up getting ignored, and I think I know why. It’s because I feel angry and frustrated and guilty and stupid when I think about them or see the tabs.

And far from galvanizing me into action, that just makes me withdraw and do nothing extra hard, and that’s the problem.

It’s a simple and terrible cycle. And it has to stop.

I think the vulnerable area of the issue is my emotional reaction to my “failing” to act on these boffo opportunities. If I can just calm the frick down about that kind of thing, I will not develop a phobic type aversion to dealing with them and I will be a lot more likely to actually get things going in my life.

And I think the heart of that problem is depression’s usual master, self-directed anger. I get angry and frustrated with myself and end up attacking myself internally.

And that’s bad.

Clearly I need to be more patient and tolerant and forgiving with myself. I am very abusive and harsh and even merciless on the inside, and that needs to stop.

The key to that, I think, is to simply accept that I can’t always push. There are rare times when I can pull my head down from the clouds and deal with the real world without getting too freaked out by how real it all is, and then there’s the rest of the time when the best I can do is float along like usual.

If I can just accept this truth, then I can stop putting extremely counterproductive pressure on myself to do these things already and relax and let things come when they come without trying to force things into existence.

It just doesn’t work.

It only leads to frustration, self-loathing, and absolutely no progress. If I want to move forward – and I do – I’m going to need to learn to let up on myself.

And patient readers will recognize the root problem with that : if I am not directing the anger inwards, then I have to direct it outwards, and I don’t want to hurt anybody.

And the anger does have to go somewhere. I can’t just delete it, as nice as that would be. I have oceans of untapped rage deep within me and the only way I am going to get rid of it is by doing something with it.

Use it as an energy source for ambition and curiosity. There’s a lot of great stuff out there in the world ready for me to take if I can just find the self-love and courage to go out there and get it.

But there’s still some vital linkage missing. The engine still won’t turn over and start, and I know for sure that the root cause is fear.

I am still more afraid of the world than I am eager to be part of it. My foot is on the brake and that makes my occasional tentative taps on the gas pedal futile and blocked.

I need to let myself out of this cave already.

But I’m afraid.

More after the break.

---

Got this off of Blue Sky and quite liked it :

I have a sick sense of humor.

And I’m loving it!

Now where was I…

---

How to relax inside myself

It can’t be done directly.

In fact, I think it might be like sleep – you can’t make it happen, you can only let it happen. Try to let go of everything, trusting that it will still be there later, so that it is safe to set it down for now.

Or maybe just let everything go, period. Fuck whether I can get it back. I probably don’t have anything all that important going on in my head anyhow.

Just thoughts and thoughts and even more thoughts. Whatever.

I suppose that in a way, I’m used to having a very cluttered mind. If all my thoughts on thoughst about thoughts went away, I might be cold without them.

But I’d get over it. Probably.

It would be worth a try, anyhow, if I could manage it.

I dunno, do I really use my thoughts as insulation against my inner chill factor? It feels like I do, at least right now.

And it would make sense. It’s not like I have anything else to use.

I mean, there’s a lot of other stuff in my head. Ideas, emotions, memories. But I guess I don’t really know how to derive warmth from them.

I dunno. Maybe I am just not feeling enough yet. I am so locked away in my inner morgue that I can’t feel all the genuinely good thing locked in here with me.

But I am trying, damn it. Trying to reanimate myself. To thaw out this frostbitten heart of mine by making my mind into a red hot laser beam melting its way towards that inviolate inner chamber, and the “real” me that has been trapped in there for all these years.

That will be the final boss fight for this mission. I locked myself away from the world for a reason – I was being raped. And I have been sealed off in there since then.

Will I be able to breach that sanctum santorum and set myself truly free, or will I lose my nerve because of all the alarms going off in my head tell me it’s not safe!

Yeah, well, safety is overrated.

I’d rather be alive.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

I feel like I can imagine what a saner me would be like.

I’d be a much more upbeat and cheerful person, with a natural effervescence that buoyed other people along with me.

And I wouldn’t feel so scared of everything. I’d be able to go anywhere and talk to anyone and feel perfectly relaxed and at home because I would have finally learn to just frigging relax and stop making things hard on myself.

I’d also write more and create more and do more. I would no longer be bound by this life in suspended animation. I would be free to get out of my cold sleep pod, run a few laps to get the blood flowing into my extremities, then go try to figure out what the hell happened to the rest of the crew.

Metaphorically speaking, that is.

I would also probably end up with a wide group of friends, like I have on Tapestries. It would not be because I had any specific intention to amass acquaintances or anything.

It would be the natural result of my being friendly and personable and my need to have people to interact with.

If I am feeling sad and lonely because none of my usual friends are around, I would most likely introduce myself to someone new.

Rather extroverted of me, don’t you think?

---

When I was talking with my therapist Doctor Costin earlier today, I mentioned how almost everything in life has passed me by and that led to my realizing that the root problem was actually my need for things to make sense.

When an impulse or instinct would dare to raise its head, my response would basically be, “But WHY would I do that? It doesn’t make any SENSE. ”

And thus I would remain a sleepwalker in my own life.

Looked at that way, it seems especially absurd. To the point of obscenity, in fact. I missed so much of life simply because I never listened to my instincts and always demanded there be a logical reason to do things.

Or maybe it was all an elaborate con game to hide my base cowardice and timidity under a bluster of intellectualism. I don’t know.

I may never know. I’m very good at fooling myself.

And it ain’t easy.

Like I’ve said before, we all have a sort of program inside us that guides us through all the necessary developmental stages we need to go through to become adults.

And this program runs entirely on its own. A child doesn’t have to know why they like climbing trees and running around, or why they are suddenly interested in sex, or why they are now acutely aware that the world has problems.

They just go with it. It’s the most natural thing in the world.

But I was always far, far too aware of things for my own good. I could never just follow my instincts and be a kid because I knew so much about the world and life and how things work from an intellectual point of view.

I would have been much better off just turning off my brain and going with my gut. At least some of the time.

I don’t know if I can start now. But I can at least try. Maybe what I need to do is what media has screamed at me my entire life : listen to my heart.

The idea scares me badly. I am far too accustomed to knowing where the road leads before setting foot on it. It feels like my heart, such as it is, doesn’t know or understand anything. To my legacy false intellectualism, trusting it seems like chaos and madness.

And yet, my heart knows a great deal. Like how to guide my development, and what to do to make myself happy, and where I need to go to grow strong.

I’ve followed my cowardly mind for 40+ years and it’s led me absolutely nowhere. I suppose I could give following my heart a try.

But it still scares the crud out of me

More after the break.

---

Up from the depths

Woke up from a nap at 8 pm not knowing what the fuck.

I was well and truly asleep. I’d laid down at a little after 6 pm and I guess I managed to get pretty deep into sleep by the time my alarm went off at 8 pm.

So I more or less had to cold boot my brain. I had to figure out what was going on, who I was, where I was in the day, and what frigging planet I was on.

And all in the space of about five seconds.

It was such a rough reentry that I had to sit here in front of the computer and rest for around ten minutes before I could gather my wits together well enough to go make my supper once I remembered what that was.

I think the reason it hit me so hard was that I had inadvertently done something I know has discombobulated me in the past : I went to sleep when the sun was up then woke up after it had set.

That’s ass-backwards, according to the default human programming. It could mess up anybody, including long time night owls like me.

Oh well. I’m awake, upright, and fed, and getting my words done, and I’ve narrowed the number of planets I might be on down to two (plus a satellite), so I think I am doing OK.

Today’s been quiet. Oh, except for a phone call telling me I goofed up again.

I knew that I had my next shower on the first Wednesday of the month. But it completely failed to register that this was that very Wednesday. D’oh!

And after having missed last week’s shower too. I don’t have another scheduled until a week from next Friday, and I am feeling distinctly grungy.

I have got to get my poop in a group over these things. I need cleansing!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

It’s entirely foreign to me. So much so that I feel like a space alien even talking about it.

I’ve never been in love, or been in a relationship. I’ve barely even dated. Just a few dates a long time ago.

Same with sex. I’ve had it, but it was an even longer time ago.

And it wasn’t all that great, either. Presumably if I had remained sexually active for long enough, I would have gotten the hang of it, or better yet, met someone who definitely knew what they were doing and could teach me.

But it was more two or more people who have no idea what they are doing fumbling around. Which is, I suppose, what a lot of people’s early sex lives were like.

Looking back through the lens of my current wisdom, I can see that all the times I was trying to get it on with other dudes, I was having a low grade panic attack. The kind I had pretty much constantly at Kwantlen and VFS.

The kind I thought was perfectly normal until fairly recently.

And there are complicated psychological reasons for that. I don’t feel like going through them right now, though maybe I will do so soon.

There’s a lot of crazy bundled up in there.

Suffice it to say that being raped at the age of 4 fucks you up in a lot of ways and makes having actual normal, consensual sex a pretty complicated endeavour.

For me, despite being 51 years old (very), I have no idea if I am even capable of true romantic love. To me, it’s entirely possible that the best I can hope for is to be really, really fond of somebody.

To be in like with them, basically.

And that could seem a lot like love to the outside observer. I would dote on and adore this person, and shower them with love and affection. We could spend lots of time cuddling and canoodling and cohabiting.

But deep down, I wouldn’t really let them in. We wouldn’t truly connect. There is something akin to a shark cage inside me and nothing can breach that. It’s my final defense against a cold cruel world that never let me in.

But who knows. Maybe the right fella could change all that. Maybe with him, I would be able to truly relax and feel safe and loved and secure because for once in my life I am not constantly and anxiously waiting for my love object to reject and abandon me.

I guess I don’t expect anyone to pay attention to me for very long, no matter how hard I try to be pleasant and funny and cute and lovable.

I know that everyone always has more important things to do than be with me. I grok that I am nobody’s trop priority. I know that being around me can be draining. I know it can be hard to be my audience.

I guess, then, that on some level, I find it hard to imagine anyone wanting to be around me enough to actually date me, let alone be in a relationship with me.

And I am used to having loads and loads of alone time. I might find that I still need that no matter how in love I am.

After all, if life’s a performance, I am going to need a lot of time to recharge between shows. I put my everything into my little act, and that’s inherently a limited thing.

Then again, maybe I would finally learn to just be myself. No show, no dazzle, no sparkling wit, no borrowed bonhomie, just… me.

Maybe we could meet the real me together.

More after the break.

---

The lord of illusion

I really don’t know where I end and “performance” begins.

Mostly, I ignore the whole issue by just assuming that they’re continuous. My “show” is an expression of who I truly am. I am not faking anything. I am, in fact, expressing the heck out of myself.

I just happen to be a naturally showy and flamboyant dude.

But that idea I expressed at the end of part 1 – the idea of being just me, no razzle dazzle, just the being at my core – the wearer of masks, the illusionist, the imagineer, the man behind the curtain – the thought of that makes my heart go cold.

So there’s clearly something hiding backstage and using all the costume changes and set fly-ins and such to distract people into not looking for anything deeper.

After all, I’m showing you too much to be holding anything back. Right?

Not quite. And that’s where this all gets sticky.

The fact that I wish I truly was the person I pretend to be and leave my “real” self behind is a pretty bad sign, honestly.

It’s perfectly emblematic of my profound weakness of self. I’d rather be a product of my own imagination than the real person I am stuck being.

The real me is boring and ugly and broken and sad. It’s hard to be him. He’s taken a lot of damage over the years from all that frustrated growth potential and his inability to truly deal with the real world.

And now, of course, the physical form is breaking down too. It’s hard to get my feet planted firmly on the ground when I’m standing on shifting sands and I never know what is going to go wrong next.

I want to build a sense of stability and identity but my world is so chaotic on the inside that I feel like I am trying to tap-dance on teacups just to stay alive.

I want to start over. I want to reboot myself. I want to start a brand new playthrough so I can use what I know now to do way better this time through.

But that’s not possible. I have only one save game and this is it. And I would love to be able to boldly declare myself reborn and psychologically section off my past to leave it all behind and stride purposefully into a brand new day.

But I can’t. Whatever it is I would need to do that is just plain not here. I don’t have it in me. Instead I wander endlessly in this castle of shadows I call a mind, not even really looking for anything any more, just afraid of what would happen if I stopped.

I wand to be strong. I want to stand on solid ground. I want to be able to face the world and deal with it instead of hiding inside myself all the time.

But I don’t know how to make that happen.

I know a lot of things that would work for other people, but not me. Smart, positive, effective sounding things that would totally work… if I was much healthier than I am.

But I can’t even start the process. It’s like I am trying to fill a bucket with no bottom. Everything falls through.

And I don’t know WTF yu do about that.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.