Apparently, a town called Wallingford has a very funny sign.
And I really enjoy what a good job someone or other is doing coming up with excellent one-liners that fit in that number of characters.
Over near our beloved Denny’s, there’s an Accent Inn which had a few good ones but whoever did their sign must have quit because there hasn’t been a new one in months.
Anyhow, I thought I would share a few of my faves from the Wallingford sign here.
Just call me your comedy curator. And this way you don’t have to listen to the music from the video, which starts out bad and then keeps getting worse.
“They’re not going to make yardsticks any longer.”
A gem of brevity and wordplay. This seems like the sort of joke a high school English teacher would love. She’d put it on the blackboard before class and then wait to see if any of her students are smart enough to get it.
They’re not going to make them any shorter, either.
“Dear naps : I’m sorry I was a jerk to you as a kid. ”
This one is in a more observational vein.
I don’t remember ever being told to nap by my babysitter Betty. It’s not something I can imagine her doing. She was way too cool for that.
I do remember napping, though. Toddlers can’t stay awake all day, after all. So I would take a nap in the afternoon.
But if I was sleeping while Sesame Street was on, call a doctor.
“I’m still hot. It just comes in flashes now. ”
One for the older ladies.
I love one older lady I saw on TV who calls them “power surges”.
Ya know, I would not be entirely surprised if, despite my definitely being male and thus incapable of menopause, I started having hot flashes one day.
I have a lot of feminine traits. I’m very maternal. Loving, caring, doting. I would make an amazingly good parent to some lucky kid(s).
I’ve even got tits.
Pretty sure they don’t “work”, though.
“All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. ”
Very funny, but it could be better. For one thing, you need to say “telekinesis” instead as it’s the more well known term.
And there’s a logic issue, because you can’t raise someone’s hand just from believing telekinesis is real. You need to actually have it.
So it would be better as, “If anyone in the audience is telekinetic, raise my hand. ”
Eh. Still needs work.
“I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y. ”
LOL, very clever. Better with the addition of a single word :
“I’m ONLY friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y. ”
But they had to use a version that would fit on the sign.
“Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners but cats can.”
That one includes both animals AND science, two of my favorite things!
I’m pretty sure I was born a furry. Even as a tiny child, I loved animals. I would light up any time an animal was on the TV screen. I loved meeting dogs, even though I was a little bit scared of them.
And of course I was surrounded by cats and I loved them all. When I was feeling lonely, there was always a nice warm kittycat nearby for pets n’ purrs.
I miss have fuzzy critters in my life. We can’t have any because Joe’s allergic.
“Ever stop to think and forget to start again?”
Boy have I ever. Being the thoughtful, dreamy type, I couldn’t possibly count the number of times I have accidentally got lost in thought when I really should be doing something important, like looking both ways before crossing the street.
That’s enough of this for now.
More after the break.
No more jokes
Eh, I’m tired of that now, and the quality really drops off at that point anyhow.
Grappling with the cold
God no, I’m even sicker of talking about that.
Need to buy heater, Amazon password, desk heater? etc.
My video game issue
Got stuck in my video game, Divinity : Original Sin Enhanced Edition, for a while.
I won’t bother with the details. Just know that I made it to somewhere near the end of the game (I think) when suddenly I needed a whole bunch of things things called Blood Stones or Star Stones.
This was a bummer because I had no idea the damned things were that important.
So I looked up where you find them all and I went through every single location and what the hell, turns out I had already found them all.
Well fuck, I thought, now what?
I had to face the possibility that a game bug was going to completely stop me from progressing in the game, which would be a serious bitch given that I have already played the damned thing for 156 hours.
Luckily, I decided to look up how to get past that one thing again, and it said that I could also use Inert Stones, which are what Blood/Star Stones become when used up.
Oh! Those I got.
But not enough of them. And I know I sold some at one point, which I would not have done had I known how god damned important they were.
So I went around to all the vendors I could think of and bought back the ones I could find, but that only got me to 10 and I need at least 12.
So my last hope is that a character I haven’t used for a while has a few.
I hope I didn’t sell them to some random character I met. I would hate to have to go check the inventory of every damned character in the game.
The whole thing has been emotionally draining. I will quite honestly be glad to finish the god damned thing, or at least find out there’s another big map to explore.
And that’s what has been stressing me out lately. The End.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.