Did the Therapy Thursday thang today.
Talked about a lot of different stuff, as usual. As patient readers have no doubt figured out, I am not one to stick to a particular topic for long.
That’s just not how my mind works. Following the connections between things is so much more interesting to me.
I get bored staying in one place, intellectually speaking.
One of the things that came up was my being a somewhat high strung individual who could really use someone with a strong, steady, patient hand I can hold in order to keep myself grounded when my anxiety starts to spin up.
He’d have to be one heck of a guy. A real solid citizen type, with a powerful manly vibe and the forbearance to deal with me when I’m irrational.
But mostly I deal with myself, or not at all.
That’s another thing that came up : how incredibly emotionally isolated my life has been. I have never had anyone I could truly open up to, which is why I can only do it in the form of this blog. So I have no experiece of being emotionally intimate with anyone.
Not even with my friends, whom I love dearly. I am closer to Joe, Julian, and Felicity than I have ever been with anybody in my life and it’s still not very close.
Not that anyone is doing anything wrong. I am honestly a hard guy to get close to. It’s way easier for other people to open up to me than vice versa.
Like I said to Doc Costin today, that’s what would make me a good therapist but not necessarily a good person to get close to.
I honestly have no idea what will happen if anyone gets closer to me than my usual cheerful and sensitive and inobvious arms-length distance. I certainly want that to happen but I might freak out in a lot of different ways because someone is violating boundaries I didn’t even know were there.
These are the sorts of things normal people figure out in their teens.
I feel like such a freak.
We also discussed my feeling of weakness of character, which like a typical therapist he had to argue with me over.
I wasn’t saying I was permanently weak, Doc, I was saying I feel weak. Currently. I am busily chipping away at the emotional numbness and layer of icy fear that keeps me that way but for now I feel a distinct lack of character in myself.
Hence my general lack of action or determination. I am incapable of making a decision and then following through on it, especially if it takes sustained effort.
The best I can do is occasionally generate a wave of enthusiasm and ride that wave at least until my completion compulsion takes over and forces me to finish.
But the moment that wave crashes, it’s over, and God knows when I will have the wherewithal to generate another one again.
The sort of decisive will that would let me explore the world and expand my life, even only as far as to look for new ways to have fun, is alien to me. I can imagine what it would be like to have it but so far I have been unable to find it in myself.
So I remain hemmed in by fear and going absolutely nowhere. Filled to the brim with talent and genius but with far too weak an id to make use of it.
I live in a vault of riches I can’t bring myself to spend.
And that sucks.
More after the break.
Tater tots and taco bites
That’s what’s for supper tonight.
The tater tots (or “tasti-taters”, because there’s no way the people at Ore/Ida can copyright the word “tater”) are something I’ve been getting for around a month now. I confess that I am possibly a little too fond of them as I seem to make a little more each time I prepare them,
But ever since I learned that it only takes 3.5 minutes in the microwave to prepare them, I have been hooked.
Hopefully, my Jardiance can handle the extra carbs.
The taco bites are from those neato people at Michelina’s.
Who happen to have one of my favorite ads ever.
The taco bites are meh but I think that’s because I overcooked them. Next time I will nuke them for 2 minutes flat, not 2 and a half.
The result was that the outer shell is a lot darker brown that the ones on the package and the taco meat and cheese filling is all shriveled up on one side of the inside of the shell and hence kind of dry and unsatisfying.
So I will definitely be trying them again in the future.
Maybe not for a while, though, because I have so many other Michelina’s single serving entrees to try.
They really seem to have nailed the formula, because the entrees are around $2.50 each and even I can afford that.
In fact, for around $10/week, I could have my four “home made” dinners a week covered. The other three days supper is either McD’s (Tuesday and Friday) or Denny’s (Sunday). Take out the one night a week I tend to order in, and now it’s $7.50.
Then I would only have to worry about a side dish, and even then not with all of them. A lot of them are meaty pasta dishes, and those do not call for any more carbs.
So yeah. I think I will be eating chez Michelina for a while. I was reluctant to go full Michelina’s at first because change but now I can see that it’s no big deal.
I do have chicken burgers to use up though, so maybe I will only get two Michelina’s a a week for now.
Thus concludes this fascinating analysis of the feeding habits of the urban Fruvous.
That’s the only kind. 😛
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.