It’s that time again.
Time for my usual hand wringing and agonizing as I figure out what I want.
What I really want is for my frigging keyboard to show up. Amazon says it has till 5:15 pm and right now it’s 4:28 pm so… tick tock, Amazon!
Their tracker says it’s two stops away. But it’s been saying that for 15 minutes.
Clearly, we have a hostage situation on our hands. Possibly armed.
Anyhow, back to typing painfully slowly about my birthday.
It’s sad that I have this strange inability to connect with my own desires. To me it suggests a deeply wounded and withdrawn soul, and well…yup.
That’s what it is alright.
Like I said in the vid, the things I want tend to be wildly impractical. And not just due to being unreasonably expensive.
Also sometimes due to not being within anyone’s power to give.
It’s not like someone can gift wrap a boyfriend and a job for me.
Ergo, I am trying really hard to think of reasonably priced things that would make my life easier and I am still drawing a blank.
The thermos is about it.
Maybe some kind of lightweight collapsible stool for the kitchen? That would let me sit down while things are cooking.
Sadly one I can use while cooking is not physically possible. The stool would have to be so tall it would take an elevator to get to the seat.
But a little stool that can easily be tucked away somewhere when I am not using it could work, I think.
More after the break.
Animation done right
Julian introduced me to this and I am in awe of how perfect it is.
Obviously I seriously identify with our lil protagonist. I was fat, not scarred, and no pair of glasses can cover up that.
But I’ve been there, little fella. God have I been there.
You want to make friends so badly but you don’t really know how, like, at all, and once the initial burst of enthusiasm and courage fades all that energy turns into anxiety instead and the people you want to befriend seem alien and hostile and ugly and now you feel like you’re trapped behind enemy lines.
I wish I’d had a group of amazing people to help me through that. That’s why this little film is very therapeutic for me.
I was such a strange and lonely child. And I still carry around a lot of the pain and trauma from the long and deadly freeze that was my childhood.
No child should grow up so completely alone. No friends, no support, nobody to turn to when things got bad, no idea why I felt so bad that sometimes I felt like I wasn’t even real, or like I was crazy, or like the world was alien place now even though nothing had actually changed at all.
Looking back, I was a pretty mentally damaged kid.
No wonder I withdrew so deeply into myself. The real world was a harsh and lonely place where I had nobody – not family, not teachers, not any adults at all – that I could turn to for guidance, comfort, reassurance, or even just a sympathetic ear.
So I retreated deep into my shell, where at least I didn’t feel the cold so much.
Got to vent those negatives.
The necessary update
Oh, and I got my new keyboard.
It has that weird new keyboard feel to it. Pressing the keys feels both too hard and too soft at the same time. And kinda squishy.
Oh well, the point is, it works. It was a rough and annoying 36 hours or so sans keyboard but I made it through.
I think the old one might be salvageable. I noticed that my “water” left behind some weird crystals that gunked up the keys and caused some of them to be stuck in the down position. If I clear those out, maybe it will work again.
If so, it will become my emergency backup keyboard in case the new one gets taken out of commission at some future date.
Might as well use the new one first!
Another birthday idea
Oh, and I thought of another thing I want for my birthday : a cheap smartphone!
It can seriously be as cheap as they come because I don’t plan on using it for anything other than getting past two factor authentication on websites.
And maybe the occasional crossword puzzle.
But as long as it’s “pay as you go” and Android and can use our Wi-Fi for internet, I’ll be happy with it. I can just stick some money on it now and then for those rare moments when I actually want to use it as a phone and the rest of the time it’s just going to be used for logins and texting.
Oh right. It needs to do SMS texting. But it’s a smartphone, I assume they all do that.
A smartphone could also come in handy in the event that I end up in the hospital again, or even just waiting for a long time at the ER or UC.
It would not tempt me to use it nearly as much as getting my tablet fixed would. I do not want to go back to going from the big computer (my PC) to my small computer (my Amazon Fire tablet) and back again all day.
That was not good for my mental health, especially my sleep.
Plus, I have better things to do than zone out to video games all the time now.
There are job opportunities out there waiting for my extraordinary talents. There are new online environments to explore, new people to meet, new connections to make.
Video games are fun and all but no matter how much fun they are, at the end of it, all you did was play a game.
Why not get more out of life?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.