Today, I managed to squeeze an entire minute of French out of my ancient brain!
Most of which was just me staring blankly at the camera while trying to cudgel another bit of French out of my long suffering grey matter.
It was very hard for me to do. But also very fun. And that is definitely worth noting.,
I could learn a lot from these things where I jump in with both feet and get in way over my head doing something that’s way harder than I thought it would be.
Why be so scared of that? I didn’t get overwhelmed. I didn’t end up helpless. I didn’t get devoured by the task and end up with some angry person yelling at me for it.
I got it done. Like I always do. And I had fun doing it.
And the difficulty was a big part of that fun. It was like fighting a tough monster in a video game. One that is within your capabilities but only if you really stretch yourself and give it your all.
I need more of that in my life.
It exercises a part of me that doesn’t get much release in my life. I am not sure exactly what to call it so I will fall back on “grit”. It’s that quality which responds to challenge by rising to it instead of just trying to escape it.
And I need challenge in my life. I need things which let me stretch my mental muscles and really grit my teeth and put my shoulder to the wheel and PUSH.
I have lacked challenge for my entire life. School was way too easy for me. I barely even tried and didn’t take it seriously at all.
How could I? It was all so simple!
And one of the many things that keeps me so addicted to video games is that they provide that sense of challenge. There’s evil to fight and goals to achieve and a story to participate in and that gives me the semblance of actually getting things done.
Except, of course, that none of it fucking matters.
It keeps me busy and entertained but it doesn’t really make me happy. It just distracts me from how sad I am and how unsuitable and unsatisfying a life I lead.
And it’s not enough. Not any more. So far I still have the electric teat in my mouth way too much but I am weaning myself off that slowly and learning to find the fun in things that my actually go somewhere.
Like, say, job hunting. Or participating in writing contests. Or sending spec scripts out to various gatekeepers. Or whatever else I can find that might use my many talents.
Obviously I would be a lot happier if I had stuff to do. Fun stuff that challenges me to work hard and be productive because they will result in money.
Or at least get me some freaking comments. Something. Anything. Scream at me if you want to, I just need validation dammit.
Video games can’t give you that. No matter how well (or poorly) I do in a game, it’s still just mental masturbation. There’s still nobody to see it but me. I’m still not getting anything out of it except superficial relief.
What a waste of a life!
But I’m workin’ on it. Right now I am still hiding in the world of video games from the big bad world out there but I am determined to make more of myself than that.
And that means leaving my cramped and clammy comfort zone and spending time online away from the video games and the YouTube and the BlueSky and doing stuff that might actually lead to something good.
Or at least to something new.
God, do I need new things in my life.
More after the break.
Coin of the realm
So I am sitting on a dragon’s hoard of wealth. My only problem is one of, shall we say, basic currency conversation.
How do I spin intelligence and talent into gold?
On the face of it, it seems eminently possible. Lots of people are out there in various creative and thought-work fields making money with their gifts. On paper, at least, there’s nothing keeping me from joining them.
In practice, well, there’s hurdles.
Being 52 with no job experience is one of them. That’s how I know that traditional employment is not for me. No hiring manager will take a chance on someone like me.
Not when there’s a plethora of normal human beings to choose from.
I mean face it, a life like mine is tres bizarre. Most people at least spend their twenties looking for work and taking whatever they can get.
Not me. I lived off the kindness of my friends, stayed hidden from the world, made no waves, and lived comfortably (but toxically) under the radar for 30 fucking years.
The only upgrade I ever got was when I went on welfare way back in 1999. Then, at least, I became the province’s problem, not my friends’.
But anyhow, fuck traditional employment. I’m too cool for that shit anyway.
And the Internet has plenty of ways to get around that requirement anyhow. No, my real problem is, of course, my health.
Both mental and physical, but it’s mostly the mental health problems holding me back. One might even call them spiritual health issues.
I am sick in spirit. But I am getting better.
At this point in my life, I feel like I am fumbling around in the dark looking for the little string to pull to make the light turn on.
There’s still a lot of radioactive darkness in me and that needs to be cleaned out before my soul can truly fly up to where it belongs.
For now, I am still filled with basic animal fear of that big world out there and the idea of going out into the hubbub of the real, workaday world scares the life out of me.
But I am working hard and getting stronger.
And soon, whether it’s on sheer chutzpah or a massive ego trip, I will emerge.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.