I’ve got to stop half-assing these things.
I wrote another song.
It turned out pretty decent.
YouTube won’t let me embed it, so here it is.
Dunno why YouTube won’t let you embed certain videos. Seems to be random. Bugs me because embedding is so much more elegant than a dumb hyperlink.
What is this, the 90’s? Am I going to be using Telnet to connect to a remote Unix shell so I can use gopher next?
Anyhow, the song is not horrible. In fact it’s kind of impressive. That Johnny Cash voice really makes the whole thing work.
But I know I can do better. I just have to slow down long enough to really work on the lyrics until they sparkle.
Oh right, and I should explain : the final line of the song was supposed to be “queen and life) but somehow ol Johnny turned it into “queen life” and while I consider that to be a life goal of mine that’s not what I frigging wrote.
And I didn’t notice until it was too late to fix it.
Leave it for future generations to puzzle over, I guess.
Damn performers not sticking to my perfect script! 😛
I am stuck in that most painful of places in my artistic life when I know that my output is not good enough by my own standards and that I can do much better, but I am not yet able to make the improvements needed for complicated psychological reasons.
The only thing to do in such a situation is to keep on pushing until the blockage clears.
I’m not going there.
I suppose if I was a true artiste I might try to loosen my creative juices with some liquor, but I can’t afford that and I know very well that my escapist tendencies and mental illness make me a prime target for all forms of addiction so I ain’t going there.
My drug of choice is video games, and while that addiction can be quite crippling, it at least doesn’t shred my liver.
Not in any direct sense, anyhow.
Did my banking after Wound Care today. Which means I had to face the depressing truth of the coming five week month.
Good god that sucks.
But I will make it somehow. Sacrifices will be made. I already decided not to get a fridge buddy of cans of soda this week in order to hopefully make enough room in the budget for me to order in on Saturday night.
Probably either Subway or Donair Dude, as they are the cheapest of my usuals.
Other than financial stress and its general bummerness, today’s had a bunch of little nuisance things go wrong, none of which are a big deal on their own but the cumulative fact has been to make me feel rather put-upon by the universe.
Like, Julian said not to order my groceries until he was on the way back from his errands because Joe was coming with him and therefore there would be nobody to take my order in for me until they came back.
So imagine my surprise when it turns out Joe has been home this whole time. He decided not to go with Julian after all.
Meaning I could have ordered my groceries whenever.
Also meaning that I did not have my groceries when I made my lunch just now, leading to it being a rather bare meal.
Because I am out of trail mix and we’re out of oranges, so that’s two thirds of my lunch gone just like that.
And I wanted to transfer the last of last month’s credit card to my Amazon account, but it turns out the minimum load for that is $25 and how much did I have on my card?
$24.47! Son of a bitch.
So little things like that. It went on my Steam account instead. Which is fine and all but I wanted to put it towards that far off distant year when I finally buy that fucking power supply I need so badly.
Oh well. Life goes on. I will limp along like I usually do.
Like I talk about in the song, actually.
I need to give that idea more attention than it got today.
More after the break.
Some random thoughts
As opposed to my usual slightly less random thoughts.
I wonder if I make big sad foxy eyes at enough of my friends on Tapestries, someone will donate a 750 watt or better power supply to me.
I gave an online calculator my machine’s specs and that’s the level of power supply it said I needed. Between 700 and 800 watts.
Whatever. I just want my computer to stop crashing when it uses the GPU.
Of course, as I learned from getting my GPU, it would be far better if the donation came from inside Canada.
It was insane enough getting my GPU from the US before Trump came to power. I can only imagine what I would have to pay in import fees now.
It would probably be easier to just make one myself out of parts, for fuck’s sake.
It’s really more a matter of frustration now. I’ve needed the PSU for a long time and I thought I was finally going to get it this month then boom, five week month struck.
TWO IN A FUCKING ROW. Unbelievable.
My mood is increasingly rough and raw. I feel like energy is accumulating inside me and making me increasingly restless and frustrated and agitated in preparation for me (hopefully) evolving to my next level of existence.
I will know I have made it when I can do fun stuff like job hunt, explore new places via Discord or whatever, and in general try and do new things and look for new adventures without feeling like I need a Xanax first.
I know that there’s a cheerful, resilient, outgoing, enthusiastic person hidden underneath all the rubbish and detritus that has accumulated in this rusty dusty crusty old soul of mine.
If I process enough of that garbage, that much lighter and happier person will bob up like a liberated balloon and I will finally be the person I was meant to be.
I wish I could just set fire to all my bullshit and burn it like a tire fire until it is all gone.
But instead, all I can do is shovel.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.