Daily Archives: August 16, 2011

A medical update

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Every once in a while, I remember that this blog is also my personal diary, and that by rights I should occasionally attempt to document the rudimentary strokes that minimally define this absurd a la reserche redux internal narrative that in the spirit of generosity the world permits me to call “my life”.

Well, it must be my life, because nobody else wants it.

So, yesterday, I visited the doctor. No panic, just the routine “give me more pills” visit. Joe, my ever-awesome roomie, drove me there and did some errands through the inevitable waiting for the doctor. They’re never on time and they don’t seem to car. Well, after all, it’s not their life, it’s ours.

The doctor’s visit went smoothly. Punctuality aside, I like my doctor. And I got him started getting me a therapist after I explained how the last one he sent me to… in January, eep.. was unsuitable partly because he had a combination of Indian accent and Old Person Talk that made him nearly incomprehensible, but mostly because his office was so tiny that a small desk and chairs barely fit in it, and I am claustrophobic, so that was a serious deal breaker. I cannot get therapy in a place that makes me crazy! That’s just logic.

Why did it take me so long to tell him this? I don’t know. Despite being a chatty person who talks and texts and writes all day, I have a serious communication problem when it comes to telling the people who need to know when it comes to things about my life.

I also got him started on getting me a new sleep specialist. The old one refused to take any more appointments from me after I flaked out on a few too many. Also a problem. Damn my highly variable yet extremely dull existence!

After the doctor’s, it was over to the medical testing place for my usual battery of tests, or so I thought. I had been fasting specifically for this, and by the time I saw the inside of the place, I had not eaten for nearly 12 hours.

Took a number, waited, they took my form, waited some more. The blood work went extremely smoothly. I barely felt the needle going in, just a pinch, really, and I didn’t feel it go out at all. I have the “sort of veins that like to hide”, so getting blood taken is always a bit of a gamble. Hence, having things go that smoothly is quite rare for me.

I wish now that I had memorized that blood tech lady’s name. I want her every time now!

She hands me the pee cup (gotta check for ketones) then tells me there is a “heart thing”. A what now? Doc Chao didn’t say a thing about that! Sudden terrible images of heart catherization and intubations from all the medical dramas I have watched flooded my mind. I always knew those would get me in trouble some day!

But of course, it was nothing like that. This is the modern era of non-invasive medical monitoring, after all. I just had to lay down on my back with my shirt off while the nice lady stuck little electrodes on various bits of me and lay there relaxing for five minutes or so. She wisely didn’t talk to me, so I just mellowed out and enjoying the little respite. At the end, the little ouch when she pulled the electrodes off was the most painful thing in the whole process.

So now I have had an ECG. Never had one before, except perhaps as a baby. I hope she didn’t find any problems, but I am a fat guy pushing 40, so I worry.

After filling the pee cup (no problems, had plenty), I had a very pleasant lunch at my favorite White Spot with Joe. I love that particular White Spot because they have comfy high backed squooshy chairs. Good food, stimulating conversation, and comfort? Yes please!

Sadly, in the excitement and kerfuffle, I forgot to get my pills! So today, I had to pop next door to get my refills. And that’s where the bad news came : Canada has finally gotten around to de-listing Avandia. You can’t get it here any more.

I knew this was coming, because the USA de-listed it last year due to concerns about its effect on the heart and the kidneys. I am glad I got to keep taking it as long as I have.

Because you know what the alternative is? Insulin.

Yup, I may be facing a future of poking myself with the needle all the time. Given my extremely poor history of medical compliance (apart from pills), I am dubious as to whether I can handle it.

As usual, my extremely dusty and unused sleep apnea machine glares at me accusingly. The far more unused blood sugar testing equipment in my bathroom gave up a long time ago.

Wish me luck, my friends. This might be the day things went from Bad to Worse, from “able to have a sad little normal life” to “pretty much sick all the time”.

I might soon be looking at my sad little life right now as “the good old days”.

So send your love and hope and positive vibes, folks!

An agreement on principle

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{Scene opens on a lone unoccupied upscale podium in a single spotlight. Background noise is of subdued conversation and the clink of silverware and glasses, suggesting a formal dinner. The podium remains empty for a few long beats before a bleary-eyed man in disheveled formal attire enters the spotlight, back to camera. He turns around slowly, squints at the spotlight’s glare, shields his eyes with his arm for a moment, then takes a rather rumpled sheaf of paper out of a pocket in his jacket, and with the towering and elaborate dignity of the truly drunk, makes a show of putting the paper down on the podium, smoothing it out carefully, taking out his glasses and putting them on, and hrumphing and aheming until the noise dies down. He is inexpertly shaven, poorly combed, and a little unsteady. }

Speaker : Ahem. It is both my duty and my pleasure as the duly chosen spokesperson of this august assemblage to announce that, after a long and trying night of intense negot… nego…. talks, involving many important concessions made on both sides and deep sharing of mutual respect, as well as pitchers of beer, cocktails, and…. that red stuff Rabul was passing around later on…

Rabul : (off camera, shouted) It’s call (incomprehensible, vaguely Arabic sounding)

Speaker : Clicks and pops, Rabul. Whistles and beeps. (seems to forget his place for a moment) Anyhow….. ahem. Right. It is both my duty and my pleasure as the duly…. etcetera of this…. group, to announce that after… all of that other stuff…. we have arrived at a list of agreements in principle that I think you will all agree herald a new era of understanding between all men on the things which truly unite us. I will not read the entire list, as my time before you is limited and the list is quite…. uh, extensive. But I will share a sampling of items from said list and I think that will be sufficient for you to get the uh…. gist.

{Speaker shuffles papers for a few moments, as though looking for the right page, then ahs, clears his throat again, and begins. }

1. We are all in clear agreement that conflict and strife have taken far too heavy a toll on all sides, and that everyone involved is committed to ending the conflict so that we can all rebuild our lives and go back to how things were before this ugly conflict ever began.
2. Chocolate is frigging awesome. Seriously. Chocolate is like, the best tasting thing ever. Think about it. Every single person in the world likes chocolate. Name one another food like that, just one. You can’t. There isn’t one. That’s like… amazing. Chocolate. Amazing.
3. Tits can be too big. There’s such a thing as too much of a good thing. There was some debate on this point, but consensus was, in the eleventh hour, that tits can be too big if, um…. (squints at page, scanning it) “if they’re so big the chick can’t even, like, walk, or whatever. ”
4. Some guys…. some guys…. you know, some guys, just…. fuck’m. You know what I mean? Fuck’m. That’s all you can just. Just…. fuck those guys. Fuck’m. Right? Right.
5. Empire, also know as Episode V, is, objectively and scientifically speaking, the best of all the Star Wars movies. New Hope is great too, don’t get us wrong, and Jedi had some awesome parts despite all the fucking teddy bears, but still. Empire. Number one. Yoda, Lando, Luke losing his hand, Han being frozen at the end… come on. No comparison. (pause, then quickly and offhandedly) Oh, and of course, it goes without saying that the prequels all blow goat balls and Lucas should die of shame.
6. If you are out with your friends, and some douchebag is being a total asshole to some waitress for like no reason at all, and none of you do anything to stop him, then you are all equally to blame. None of this “Well you should have said something” bullshit. Everybody is to blame, and you all should kick in something extra in her tip, or you are just as bad as a douchebag himself.
7. Wax lips are gross and wrong on every possible level. Ditto candy corn.
8. Some guys, just….. (faint voice from the audience is briefly heard, incomprehensible)Oh, I did that one already? Shit. Still…. some guys, just…. fuck’m.
9. Nobody can actually prove that Marilyn Manson and Paulie Shore are two entirely different and separate human beings, and this fact should bring fear to the hearts of all right thinking people on the planet Earth.
10. Uh…. this one is a little hard to read, looks like someone added it in what appears to be pencil crayon later on… uh…. I think it says…. “brownies forever”? Uh, OK… (voices off) What? What does it say? What the hell is a “bronie”? Whatever.

I think you will all agree that this document is but the beginning of an historic process of building a foundation for a new era in which all men can live together in peace, harmony, and understanding, and it would be foolish to stop such a clearly epoch-making process before it can complete its historic work of….. history. Accordingly, I will now adjourn this meeting so that my colleagues and I can return to finding even greater accord, and respect, and cocktail recipes, until our job is truly complete, or at least until enough of us can remember where we parked to get the hell out of here. Meeting adjourned!”

{Speaker fishes through the papers on the podium for a gavel, finds none, shrugs and bangs on the side of the podium with his cellphone twice, then looks around as though looking for the way out of the spotlight, once more shading his eyes with his arm, then stumbles out of view. Belatedly, there is a smattering of applause from the audience. A few more seconds of ambient noise, along with a few coughs. )

THE END