The problem is, I am between two systems right now.

One is the old system which only cares about making it through the day with the least possible fear or pain. That was my system for my last 20 years or so, and it did its job in that it kept me alive when depression could very well have driven me over the edge. It led me to create a safe haven of computer use and video games and books where I could feel, if not exactly safe, then at least calm enough to relax and ignore the world.

Unfortunately, that oasis was oppressively small and very unforgiving. As long as I stayed in my crib, I was okay, but venturing outside alone was fraught with peril and therefore always something I avoided as much as possible.

That makes it hard to seek help. It makes it hard to take care of yourself properly too, because if the self-care requires too much of a disruption of routine or takes you too far from your soothing toys, it just isn’t going to happen.

And then what? If I am too shy to go places alone I am certainly too shy to tell my doctor that I am not even vaguely doing all the things I am supposed to do. I do what of them I can, and the rest can rot. You do what you can do.

So you end up locked in a static equilibrium. And life just passes you by. The world does not notice you or care about you. It barely even knows you’re alive. But what can you expect, when you are so good at hiding from it?

From the point of view of your anxiety and depression, the world ignoring you means Mission Accomplished. And when you are in the grips of the disease, it’s in charge, and has a violent and brutal veto over all things.

But I am on my way out of the tunnel now, and as a result, I live in two worlds. When I do things like blog, put my book up on eBay, and bake, I feel good about myself, even though I often have to drag the other part of me kicking and screaming into the fray in order to get it done.

But at least I can do that now! Drag myself into things. C’mon, kid, we’re doing this whether you like it or not. Might as well make the best of it.

Then there are the other times, when I still don’t know what to do with myself but play video games or fuck around online. Facebook alone is this never-ending time suck, and I really should change it like I keep saying, but I don’t, because catching up with my Facebook feed gives me a steady stream of fairly high density stimulation AND a sense of struggle and accomplishment.

Mental stimulation is my drug of choice, moreso even than food. When my mind is full, that shuts out all the bad thoughts and keeps me too distracted/stimulated to be depressed. Or at least, to know I am depressed.

And like all addictions, it superficially solve the problems it creates because it keeps you from thinking about them or feeling their immediate effects. The alcoholic knows, deep down, that if they have some booze, whatever problems they have, no matter how severe, won’t bother them for a while.

And after that. well, the only real problem is how to get more booze.

As a mental stimulation junkie in the modern age, I have no such problem. The Internet provides all the mental stimulation I want, 24/7, and I can’t possibly go cold turkey. I would lose my mind.

And the thing is, because it is also where I get my video games, it provides the mental stimulation even when I am not actively using it. And I am hopelessly addicted now. I haven’t read a book in months. It’s just so hard and so painful to slow my mind down to that speed now.

It seems especially bizarre to think that, right now, I have written a book more recently than I have read one.

So I spend some of my day in the new system, where I am being at least somewhat productive and moving forward, and part of my day just fucking around like normal. I would be lying if I said it was fifty-fifty. But I am getting there.

I just wish I knew where all that perky enthusiasm I had earlier in this year went. Perhaps it’s a seasonal thing. When it was brighter for longer, I was perkier for longer. These days… seems like I am just barely getting out of bed when the sun goes down and makes me want to go right back to sleep.

I wonder where I packed that full spectrum light. I could use it around now.

The thing is, being in two different worlds every day makes my mood chart a mess. I feel really sad and depressed a lot every day, but other times I am just fine and happy to be busy. I really bounce around a lot.

And I knew this would be the price of recovery. I had mood stability for many years. Stable at a low level, but stable. Now I want more. I know what it likes to have purpose and direction and something to look forward to, and I want more. I want my life to be mostly like that, in fact.

So when it isn’t, I get depressed, and start wondering what the fucking point of it all is. That’s not exactly a positive train of thought for someone like me, and so I jump off it as soon as I know I am on it.

And this will continue until I transfer myself entirely into the new system and leave that old bullshit behind me.

Like all system migrations, it will be slow, messy, and there will always be the temptation to say “good enough!” before the job is actually done.

But I will do it.

And I will see all you nice people again tomorrow!