No, I haven’t become a vampire (dammit). But I am hungry all the frigging time lately and it is getting on my nerves.

It started after Xmas dinner at Joe’s parents’ place Thursday. I ate only slightly more than usual there, but I knew something was up when I was hungry as hell when we headed home around midnight.

Since then, my usual meals just don’t cut it. It’s like I somehow opened a new chamber in my stomach. Oh look, there’s all this room to fill now. MUST EAT.

So I am plotting some kind of strategically large meal. I am hoping that I can catch up.

As to why this is happening, I, of course, have some theories. Perhaps the two glasses of wine I had that night have me enough of a muscle relaxant effect that it calmed my system down long enough to clean a bunch of the gunk out. Or maybe having a good, balance, tasty, home cooked meal was just what my often undernourished body needed to bounce into greater health and hence appetite. Or perhaps some of both of those options.

Either way, I am irritatingly hungry lately. It has been a long time since I last found myself counting the minutes between meals. It’s an unsettling thing to have return from my past.

On the other hand, it’s a very healthy feeling hunger. A life-affirming hunger. A real hunger, instead of a craving or an artificial hunger induced by boredom or other emotional need.

Luckily, I have never been the type to “eat my emotions”. I have never found that eating to solve an emotional state works for me. Probably because I have a nervous stomach, and so eating when I am upset or angry or depressed would be rather unwise.

I’d just end up making myself sick, and that never helps anything.

Still, I have nutrition on my mind lately. My diet sucks. I don’t get nearly enough of the food stuff, and way too much of the bad stuff. I need fewer carbs and more dairy, protein, and veggies.

And more fresh air, of course. More time outside the apartment, by myself, being autonomous and not feeling like I am a hothouse flower who can’t survive in the outside world and so I an trapped in the little box that is my bedroom.

I sort of had plans to do that today. I need more of my non-psych meds, plus I need to go in for labwork. Both are available literally one block away from me. And I was prepared to make the journey.

But then a little voice in my head said “But wait, you’re almost out of psych meds too, and that means you will be going to the pharmacy after therapy on Wednesday anyhow, so why not wait till then and get them all at once?”

I hate that little voice. It’s never been on my side, not really. It’s the cleverness I use to defeat myself, and I am tired of losing to it,

Nevertheless, the little voice’s point was enough to destroy my motivation. So I guess it wins again this time. I will go another tow days says diabetes meds because of it.

My life is so pathetic sometimes.

I feel kinda sleepy today. I was up late-ish last night but I do that a lot, so that’s probably not it. It’s probably a combination of it being a little stuffy in here (must air out again) and just the usual random bullshit about sleep debt and the need to dream and blah blah blah.

Right now, sleepy as I am, it’s hard to keep the depression away. Hard to stay focused when what I crave is to defocus, fall apart, and go to sleep in a bucket like Odo.

I will likely end up going back to sleep when I am done blogging. Not sure why I decided to blog now instead of after supper. I guess I just needed something to do so I could feel productive now that my primary motivation has vanished.

So after this, there will just be my daily baking to do. Not sure what I will make. I am not in the mood to do a cake. I’m sort of off cake right now. Whatever happened with that too-sweet and/or too-rich icing I made before Xmas has made me a little averse to cake in general. An overreaction, for sure, but my tummy is fussy like that.

It has a very long memory and it can really hold a grudge.

So I don’t know, maybe I will make cookies of some sort. Something light. Like basic sugar cookies, or peanut butter cookies.

Eventually, this aversion to rich desserts will fade and I will power through what is left of it by forcing myself to eat, say, choco-mint cake or the like.

I feel frustrated and restless lately. Some of that is a little bit of post-holiday blues. Sure, there’s New Year’s Even next Wednesday, but meh. The corrosive ennui of depression took the excitement out of the new year for me a long time ago.

Not much happened in the last 24 hours. Went out to eat with my friends last night, as is our Sunday custom. Then afterward, back to the apartment to watch vids.

Joe, sadly, had to work an early shift the next day (as in 7:30 am early) and so he had to go to bed at 11. Ouch. So it was just me and Felicity from then on.

Watched an episode of the 1980’s version of Mission Impossible, and I have to day, I really enjoyed it. It’s just so very satisfying to me to see how they well and truly fuck with people.

Evil people who deserve it, of course. But still, there’s a side of me that loves that kind of thing in a way that scares me a bit. Good thing I don’t have a crack team of highly skilled operatives at my disposal.

My immoral soul would be in peril.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.