Never done this before. This should be interesting.

I should preface this by saying I don’t have a particularly good biographical memory, so anything I put in here is going to be rather broad, to put it mildly.

I could go back through all my blog entries and find out what was happening with me. I seriously considered it. But that would take a hella long time and I probably wouldn’t be done before it becomes 2015.

So let’s see. What happened in my life this year?

Well, I moved. That was a bitch and a half, as it always is. And the thing is, you don’t have to be much of a pack rat in order for it to get harder each time.

You just have to accumulate stuff at a normal rate. You just have to buy new things without throwing the old things out. Little by little, the hoard accumulates, and you don’t even notice until it’s time to move again and suddenly you are thinking “Where the hell did I get all this crap?”

So moving was a grueling experience that lasted for most of August, all told. Part of the problem, of course, is that we are pack rats. Like I said at the time, we “rescue” things all the time. That is all well and good. I loathe waste and so the idea of some perfectly good item going to the dump simply because someone doesn’t need it any more drives me crazy. Someone else could be using and enjoying it!

The problem is that we rescue them and then it stops. We don’t send them further down the line to find a new home. Or rather, we didn’t… I am pretty sure we learned our lesson when we moved and quite honestly, this place doesn’t have the room for us to start accumulating again.

I feel really guilty about where we ended up, though. Not that this place sucks, but…. it was my desire to live in a place with a gym that prompted us to choose this particular location, despite its small size, and the kicker is that the “gym” in this place consists of two shitty late night infomercial grade exercise bikes.

Add that to how bad I feel about ending up with the master bedroom, and I have been carrying around guilt for a while. Feels good to get it off my chest, actually.

The other Big Life Thing I recall from this year is my failed attempt to go to VFS. It’s still painful to think about. I went to so much trouble and really pushed myself forward like I never do and tried so damned hard, and everything was green lights all the way, and then some petty schmuck decides that recent school attendance is more important than my obvious megawatt talent and total commitment to being educated, and it all comes crashing down.

I know damned well that I would have rocked that Writing for TV course. It’s the part I was born to play, baby. I’ve wanted to write for television ever since I realized television shows had writers. That has always seemed like the coolest job in the universe to me. To actually write things that magically become television…. what could be better?

But no, some putz decides to wag is tiny dick around and I am brought down in a great crash of flames and the sound of metal screaming as it’s rent asunder.

And the kicker there is that the whole reason I have no recent school experience is that I have been depressed for the last 20 fucking years. It is like getting turned down for an auto loan because of no recent driving history.

Hard to drive when you have no fucking car!

I could have tried again this last two months. The next session starts in January and so I could have gotten all my ducks in a row and given it another try. But I am just not ready to put my head (and heart) where life can kick it again. Not yet.

I might re-apply in the spring. After all, that prick might not even work there any more by then. And if he does, the people who supported my application the first time might be ready to rally against him.

I sure as hell would be ready for the fight. I knew everything I could do to fight back way back at the time of the first rejection, but I could only sit there as my motivation shattered into a million pieces and fell apart.

And let me tell you, it is a dark dark feeling to be helpless before that kind of dissolution. To feel your psyche just falling apart and wanted so badly to stop it, but you just don’t have it in you.

What else happened this year… well I got a bus pass for the first time. Did not use it a lot, and my overactive superego really, really, really wants to beat me up over that. It’s like it’s just waiting offstage, softly slapping its fist with the business end of a baseball bat, waiting for its cue.

So far, I have kept myself in the middle. I can say “it doesn’t matter how much I used it, the point was to have the option”, but I can’t make myself really believe it. So the best I can do is not accept either side of it.

I get the feeling that a lot of my life works pretty much like that. Hovering between.

Now it’s time to re-up for the whole bus pass thing, and I just don’t have the $ to spare right now. I got $70 a week to last me till the next cheque on January the 21st, and I am already $20 into this week, so I have to be careful.

So I probably will not get the thing until said next cheque. Oh well, it’s not like that will cripple my social life or anything.

I guess that’s all I can think of for now. I am sure there are many other important life events that marked the previous year that I would kick myself for forgetting if I saw the list, but whatever.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.