Every day, a parade of suitable topics for blog entries marches through my head. I’ve had at least half a dozen today alone. And they are always very good ideas with lots of scope for exploration or expression and an introduction already forming in my mind.

But only the last one matters, because the rest, I forget.

At least I know why. It’s because of the fast flowing way my mind works. My mind does not want to be hindered by its previous products. It would rather just keep flowing freely on to the next thing, and the next, and the next.

I could, of course, write the ideas down. But that would be pointless. Because there is no chance I will use any idea I write down. By the time I am sitting down to write, the river has flowed onwards and wants to create new things, not rehash the old.

That’s why I don’t keep idea files any more. They don’t pay off. The worst thing I can do to an idea is write it down. My mind interprets that as being “done” and moves on. As long as the idea stays in my mind, its energy has not yet been expended. But once I write it down, I never want to see it again.

Which is pretty messed up, I will admit. Turns out I am somewhat of a flake.

Had some bad moments at school today. Moments when I felt old and stupid and slow and started to wonder whether I belonged at VFS at all.

But I recovered quite quickly, which was good. Even better, it happened on its own, without my conscious mind’s input or control. This suggests that I am finally developing those all important mental defenses that keep other people going.

It brought up some shit that has been worrying me,. though. Feelings that I am not going to be able to cut it out in the world and that I am accruing a total of around $25,000 in total debt for absolutely no reason and that I would have been better off staying home and learning on my own and kept on trying to be a science fiction author instead.

This sort of thing has been on my mind for a long time, like a shadow in the background of my psyche, slowly growing over time till it gets too big to ignore.

I might just end up being another in a sea of millions of people saddled with crushing debt for an education that led them nowhere and means nothing.

But even if that happens, I will never say that the whole thing was a waste of time. From the beginning of my time at Kwantlen till now, I have experienced an enormous amount of personal and psychological growth. When I graduate from VFS, if nothing else I will feel good knowing that, at long last, I am qualified for something.

It would be proof that I am worth something, at least in theory. And that’s huge.

Obviously, I hope for a better result. But it is not going to be easy to convince anyone to hire a freshly graduated 43 year old. They would be very worried about whether or not I could keep up with the hot young writers and they might be right to be.

Maybe I am not as cut out to be a TV writer as I thought.

But the thing is, I know I am goddamned talented. I know I could write very good TV. And I am positive that I could contribute good ideas to a writer’s room, especially in comedy. I can write very funny, heartwarming, wonderful stuff, and I know in my heart that I could take absolutely any TV series and make it better.

Yup, even Fox News shows.

So it’s not a question of talent, and once I graduate, it won’t be a problem of education either. It’s the other little ineffables that are going to trip me up.

I guess I can only hope that my talent speaks for itself and that people will be so impressed by my portfolio that they will overlook my advanced age in order to get that high quality writing for their show.

A fella can dream.

It feels good to be back in the world, though. All that time spent away from school did not do me any favours. The occasional day off is nice, but too much and I become someone I do not want to be.

The walk to the Skytrain this morning was very rough. My lungs are still somewhat sore from the cold I am getting over, so the subfreezing air really, really hurt to breathe. And a big part of me wanted to go home, email in sick again, and retreat into my little womb here.

But that is loser thinking, and I don’t want to be a loser any more. So I told myself that I woiuld feel better once I really got going and had burned the gunk out of my system that had accumulated over four days of no school (and many more before last week).

And I was right. I feel a lot better now. Still don’t know if I am fully over the cold that had me in its grip all weekend, but I am going to keep making it to my classes anyhow, so let the chimps fall where they may.

Don’t worry. We have a trampoline.

Writing for Commercials class was fun. I didn’t do the simple presentation I was supposed to do, but we only did like four of them before moving on, so I am good.

Overall, I guess today was alright. I don’t have class until the afternoon tomorrow, so it will be a lot warmer when I walk to the Skytrain. So hopefully no “why do I live where the air hurts my lungs” feelings.

Oh, that’s right, I don’t. Normally.

Good thing I am almost done, because I am plum out of words.

That did it!

I will see you nice people again tomorrow.