…more than half of the time!

I was not in class today. I was not in class Friday. Both times,I blamed a stomach bug. But the truth is, it was depression.

I don’t know why that is so hard for me to admit. I guess it makes me feel so vulnerable and pathetic. Like I am saying to the world,  “I would do these important things, if only I wasn’t so sad”.

Well aren’t I a precious fucking rainbow.

And I mean, I know that I have a disease called depression and that being too sad to do things is a very big part of that. It is, in fact, a crude and incomplete but nonetheless valid way to describe the disease.

But that’s the thing about mental illness : it’s insane. And being insane, it does not follow any logical set of rules or any consistent pattern. On no level does it “make sense”. If insanity is defined as believing things which are not true, and/or not believing things which are blatantly true, then a depressive is insane the same way as a full blown psychotic.

It’s just a matter of degree. A psychotic sees and hears things which are not real. A depressive merely feels and believes things which are not true.

So I. in a sense, have no choice but to hate myself for not going to class even though I know intellectually that I had a pretty good reason.

I had a flare-up of my disease.

It’s not hard to see why. Last night, I confirmed that my cell phone is completely dead due to my having left it in my pocket when I did a load of laundry. There had been some hope that the “leaving it in a container full of rice for 48 hours” method would work. Presumably, the idea is that the rice slowly draws out the moisture.

But no, it is dead. If I try to start it up, the screen flashes purple for a second, then it dies. Maybe I should have left it in the rice longer, I don’t know.

I just know that I killed my cell phone with my rampant incompetence and idiocy, and I hate myself for that.

Plus, of course, the world is sliding under rack and ruin under Trump. I truly feel like this is the end of America, at least as a first class country. And seeing as Canada is basically America’s conjoined twin,. they are going to take us down with them.

This is the first time in my life when I have felt truly insecure. It really feels like nothing in the future is certain and everything could truly fall apart. Not even my disability check. Because if (when) Trump craters the American economy, Canada will suffer, and a provincial government reeling from a massive drop in tax revenue might decide that duds like myself are no longer worth supporting.

“Why pay people to do nothing?” will be the battle cry, fueled by the insecurities of the middle class who feel like their own position is falling and want someone to blame.

And you can’t blame the rich. They’re powerful, they can fight back. Blame it on the people who can’t fight back. Who cares if it’s true if it feels good to do?

So I really have no idea whether I will even survive in the future. I have gone from optimistic about my future writing comedy to wondering if the civilization I have grown up in will even still be there in a year.

Always remember : Trump was not elected by the Republicans. They were the same gang of idiots that are always in the way of history. Trump was elected by left wing people who did not bother to vote because they were so sure there was no way Trump could win.

Nobody thought Trump could win. Not even the people who voted for him. It was a protest vote, just like Brexit. Their faith that there was no way he could win divorced them from thoughts of the consequences of their vote. They could entertain the idea that Trump will fix everything precisely because they thought he would lose.

And now, they are losing faith in him as they realize that Trump is the same idiot he has always been and they are the ones who voted him in. It’s just dawning on them now that they are directly responsible for everything Trump does now, and it is only going to get worse from here on in.

That’s why I am so certain that he will lose nearly all of his populist base in the next six months. The one thing the right wing anti-reality bubble can’t filter out is what their guy actually says and does. That has to make it in otherwise how could they worship him?

And what Trump says and does will be more than enough to make them lose faith. Sure, his gang of idiots will try to spin everything, but that has its limits and he had already exceeded them by the end of the election.

And now he has actual power.

Makes me wish the Americans had our system of government. If a Prime Minister ever did even one percent of the crazy shit Trump does, and thus became a massive liability to his or her own party, they would simply join the opposition in a vote of no confidence and boom, he or she would be booted out of power and that would be it.

We did it with Diefenbaker, after all.

So basically, between killing my own cell phone in an act of profound stupidity, having my computer get infected with malicious adware, and Trump,. my psychological defenses simply could not handle the strain, and so I have been very depressed.

But I am getting over it. I am moving to a point where I can regain my detachment and view Trump’s reign as the non stop schadenfreude festival it is, and enjoy watching millions of people suddenly realize that when you vote for someone, that means you actually think they should run the country.

That might have made sense, say, last October, but everything he has done after winning has made his supporters regret having voted for him.

And I take comfort in that.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.