I could never leave YOU, Tom.
You’re just too damned sexy.
No idea what to talk about tonight and I only have an hour to put out my 1K of freestyle brain eejections, so get ready to put on your waders and join my stream of consciousness as I type whatever pops into my head.
had therapy today. It went fairly well. Ever since that session around a month or maybe six weeks ago where I let out my anger, bitterness, and frustration and, in doing so, revealed the real me that has always existed behind my world of smoke and mirrors,. I have been experiencing rapid recovery, and the sessions have improved.
I’d done such a bang up job of burying all that dark stuff about how nobody could help me because nobody could handle the real me that I’d forgotten it myself.
Or, if not exactly forgotten, agressively de-indexed. It’s the same thing I did with the memories of being raped when I was three years old. They were never erased, they were just pushes so far into the back of my mind that I couldn’t see them any more.
And when I did “remember”, it was like suddenly realizing that there’s a tiger in the room with you and it’s been there for a really long time.
And it wants to use the remote.
And the only reason you hadn’t noticed it before now was because. on a subconscious level, you trained yourself to never look in that direction.
No wonder it’s a tad peeved.
Anyhow, before I let yet another metaphor run away with me, my point was that when all those feelings of being impossible to help and my feelings that nobody was truly trustworthy or reliable and a lot of other negative Taurus bullshit (ha), it opened up a whole new horizen for me. I suddenly realized that I had been hiding my true self under a great deal of self-expression via performance for a really long time.
Like I built a mask, put it on, then forgot it was a mask and tried to be what it depicted.
And it’s all rooted in the angry and hopeless conclusions about the world I came to when I was an ignored, isolated, intellectual tried. A succession of negative experiences with people who didn’t give a shit about me and just said whatever it took to make me go away demonstrated to me that I was truly alone in the world.
My family didn’t want to hear my problems. They just wanted me to go away.
My fellow students wanted nothing to do with me. They just wanted me to go away.
The school admins and the teachers didn’t want to deal with me. They said go away.
But of course, as a kid, you can’t literally go away. You still need to have a home and a familly and a school and a community to support you. You’re still just a kid, no matter what kind of IQ you have.
So I went away by retreating into my mind so deep that I am still trying to excavate myself after all these years. I buried myself in books and TV and video games, which were nicely cerebral (in the sense of being experiences of the mind) and thus safe, and to this day, I have not come out again.
I try to dig upwards. It’s the best I can do. And I dream of standing in the light without shame or fear or the feeling of exposure.
But it’s slow going.
And in the meantime, I feel so very alone.
I know that’s the depression talking, but that makes no difference. I’m the Barnacled Hermit, a lonely robot with a busted antenna who thinks that nobody cares about him when many people do, he’s just not receiving the signals.
I have the advantage of knowing that the signals are there and not getting through, at least. And that gives me the faith I need to keep believing that there is something worth tunneling towards. I know people love me and value me and think I am something special and worthy and precious.
I just can’t feel it through all this goddamned ice.
And isolation eats away at you over time. I was talking with my therapist about this today. How isolation leads to social stimulation intolerance which leads to further isolation., Social stimuli that would seem mild or even nonexistant to healthy people turn into enormous stressful anxious situations.
Your mind then records that experience as a negative one and reinforces your aversion and you want nothing more than to make sure that never, ever happens again.
And you are willing to do whatever it takes – no matter how shortsightedly self-destrutive – in order to convince yourself that it never will happen again and thus calm yourself down from all the terror.
And as always, when I say “you”, I really mean “me”. I’m talking to myself.
When you are isolated from your fellow Earthlings… I mean, human beings.. .it’s easy to imagine that it is because of how awful you are. That’s the only way your social matrix can interpret the total lack of social reinforcement. That must mean we are bad people, otherwise why would our tribe reject us?
And down and down and down the spiral goes, till you have been in the dark for so long that you stop believing in light as something that can ever happen to you.
And you look at the real people living in the real world and wonder what
it’s like to be poart of a warm and engaged and vital world where people are interconnected via relationships and where they care for one another and look out for one another instead of leaving each other out in the cold, alone.
And I go around anf around trying to figure out how much of what I perceive is just the mirror image of my tainted soul and how much is real is that waggy thing a part of me?
I’ll bite it to see.
Nothing… guess I am not real after all.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow,.