Been getting that “squashed flat between two microscope slides” feeling lately.

It’s part of my cycle. Right now, the urge to do something with my life is rising but the resistance to action has not been overcome yet, and so I go ka-squish between them.

It leaves me feeling nihilistic. I don’t give a fuck about anything. Nothing matters. Nothing means anything to me. The whole damned world can fuck off and die.

This phase exists as a reaction to the previous phase, where all the nattering niggling negative voices in my head have gotten so loud that I can’t think and the only way I can shut them up and get some peace and quiet is to smash the whole damned thing with the beautifully blunt and brutal force of my id.

Fuck all y’all. Get the fuck out of my house NOW. I don’t care HOW long you’ve been waiting in line. You’re all a bunch of assholes anyway and I couldn’t care less about your precious fucking feelings.

You’re lucky I am letting you leave here alive. I would put you up against the wall and kill you with a laser backed machine gun if I could.

But I’m not strong enough yet. So for now, you live.

But GTFO my head right now.

It might seem odd to some that one can find refuge and comfort in pure nihilism. For most of my life I have considered nihilism, pessimism, and cynicism to be moral failings found only in those who lack the courage to keep caring even when it’s very hard.

And I still believe that on the philosophical level. But I am beginning to understand the emotional appeal in a way I never would have had I not needed to go there in order to continue on my jagged journey to recovery.

In fact, I am beginning to be somewhat suspect of a lot of things;. It’s very easy to hold lofty ideals when it’s all intellectual to you anyhow and there are no strong human emotions from the id getting in the way.

It’s quite another when you reduce your detachment level and star to really feel things. Strong things. Deep things. Powerful things.

Things that, if you are lucky, are strong enough to make you DO things.

I’m working on it.

At least I have gotten to a point where I am en joying these new, stronger emotions. I have developed a taste for the heat and power of these emotions – they are such a welcome relief from the cold and weakness I usually feel.

I am hoping that if I keep connecting with these geothermal forces within me, the tundra of my heart will melt, spring will finally come, and what was once permafrost becomes rich and verdant soil just waiting to burst into riotous bloom.

And if it takes a volcanic eruption to make that happen, so be it!

Earth and fire imagery!

The trick is in somehow both learning to me more gentle with myself and learning not to be such a goddamned pussy at the same time.

I suppose I am hoping the two will meet in the middle somewhere.

It all cycles back to the fear I feel when I imagine taking the sort of positive action that would actually improve my life. It is the bane of my existence, my bete noir, the magnetic force field that holds me in place.

And I have recently realized that it is not just fear. There is a great sadness to it as well. Like when I ask myself if I want to do something, all I can do is shake my head then turn my tear streaked face to the wall.

I want to reach out to that scared, sad little and share my new found connection to all that is warm and good with him and tell him that everything will be okay now, he’s been found and he’s been heard and he will never, ever be abandoned again.

That no mattger where I go in my cosmic travels, I will take him with me. And that I will always have time, attention, energy, patience, love, comfort, and above all caring for him. That he will always be important to me and that that he is a wonderful young man who is good and healthy and pure and nothing anway can ever do (or has done) can change that because he will always be my amazing and wonderful lil guy.

Mama’s here now, junior. And everything is going to be okay.

It’s crazy how long it has taken me to realize that all the warmth and love I have craved for my entire life was right there in my frozen id the whole time. I suppose it’s somewhat counterintuive to my previous mindset.

As a good liberal intellectual type, I internalized the idea that the strong primal reptile-brain type emotions like rage were Bad and that nothing in the world could be worse than getting caught behaving purely out of emotion.

That;s what the other guys do. They act out of primitive emotions instead of exercising restraint and using their heads for once.

So if that’s bad, the opposite of it must be good…. right/

Nope. The truth is always somewhere in between. Turn out that those emotions are vitally necessary to human happiness. They provide the heat and lights for the building that is our lives. You can try to survive on the cold light of reason alone, but odds are you will be miserable and until you open up your heart to embrace real emotion and open up your mind to a new way of being, you will not even be able to see the problem and will go on blaming the world for not giving you what you will not give yourself.

We can be emotionally self-sufficient creatures, if we let ourselves be. With fqaith and imagine, we can generate within ourselves everything we could ever need.

And all the have to do is open the door to it.

Well consider all my doors so open that they are hanging of their hinges.

Let’s see what happens next!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.