I just realzied a feww minutes ago that I have fallen into a trap pof which I am far too familair : hating my life.

That’s npot good. Hating my life makes it harder, not easier, to do with things that might improve it. If I truly want to escape my icy prison, I have to accept things the way they are now and seek to build on that.

Not referring to my life as an icy prison would be a goof start.

It is always soseductuvely easy to think of your life in terms if everything you do not have. It’s like that is the default mode for humanity, or at least for white people. That’s why it doesn’t matter how successful someone is, they can still be just as miserable as when they started out.

They are taking everything they have for granted and thinking of their lives only in terms of that which they have failed to achieve or obtain. In a system like that, the game is impossible to win. Because there will always be something you don’t have.

And maybe that is the point, in a way. As offensive as it is to our basic ideas of merit and reward for someone very successful to be very unhappy, this “moving the goalposts” attitude provides maybe unusual benefits.

Like stability. You might be unhappy but at least you know nothing is ever going to force you to change inside like actually appreciating you success would.

It also provides purpose, structure, and direction.You don’t have to worry abotu what to do with yourself because you already know. You will be pursuing your definition of success. That is the true allure of this impostor syndrome lifestyle.

It might not produce happiness but it keeps you from having to face the great existential question, “So now what do I do?”.

That’s why the same person who told you at the bar last night how success is bullshit and hwo they feel they have wasted their life pusuing meaningless kudos and rewards  they don’t even care about will nevertheless go right back to climbing that corporate ladder the next day.

Because what else are they going to do?

Anyhow, back to the original point. Amazing how easy it is for me to wander off on a grand intellectual tangent rather than deal with the tough stuff.

My point, long ago in a galaxy far away, was that I will get nowhere until I accept my life as it is now in full instead of just seeing the negatives.

In order to do that, I will now go against the very pith and marrow of my temperament and list the good things about my life.

Switching polarities has to start somewhere. Here we go, the Good Things About My Life list, June 2018

1. I don’t have to work for a living. My needs are amply pprovided for by the Province of British Columbia. In cruler times, I might have ended up in the asylum or the poor house or the gutter. Life is very hard for males who can’t cope. SO it is good that society is iind enough to support my nonproductive ass.
2. I have fun video games to play. They keep my pleasantly entertained. I’ve loved video games all my life, and I now live in a magical era where high quality games are only a few clicks away. It’s a very rewarding hobby.
3. I’m hella smart and talented. If you hate it when I talk about the ways in which I am awesome, skip this item. I keep saying this because it is so easy for me to forget : I have gifts most people dream of having. I have a highly advanced mind which teems with creative ideas of surprising depth and complexity. And I am capable of taking those ideas and turning them into the written word in a way that has frequently been referred to as nifty. Most people can’t do that.
4. I have three awesome friends. And that’s all I need. Three people in my life with whom I am mentally sypatico and temperamentally aligned. We get along great and have alot of fun together. I am very lucky to know these people. Especially Joe and Julian, because having heard and experienced some Roomies From Hell stories, I am eternally grateful to live amongst sane persons.
5. I live in a top tier country.  I was lucky enough to be born into the modern world and therefore, despite the limits of my circumstances, I have lived a lifestyle of unimaginable luxury compared to the days of yore. Merely being on the internet gives me access to both riches beyond compare and a staggeringly diverse array of entertainments of all types. It’s an amazing time to be alive.
6. I am relatively healthy.  I suffer from no crippling physical illnesses. I am not confined to a wheelchair or a hospital bed. I don’t live in mortal fear of peanuts. I can get around when I want to.
7. I’m a heck of a nice guy. I am, in general, a pleasant and likeable fellow with a warm and witty personality. I can be extremely charismatic and charming, with an easy demeanour that puts people at ease.
8. I have all the time by myself that I could ever need.  And I need a lot. In my life as it exists now, I have all the time I need to recharge my introvert batteries so that I can once more face the world with all its stimuli.

And that’s all the ones I can think of right now. Phew, going against your negativity is hard work! I am so tired now.

Anyhow, the point is that I have everything I need. And if I decide I want to expand and improve my life, I have all that I need to do that too.

So no more self-reproach. My life ain’t that bad.

And the sooner I accept that, the sooner I can get down to making it even better.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.