I n my mind, that is.

I’ve talked a couple of times in this space about my idea that some of the most brilliant people are those which, due to some kind of trauma, there is a huge void within them.

This void is emotionally terrible, but can also be put to use as a kind of massive workshop type space where large ideas can be handled, manipulated, examined from various angles, and if you are lucky, even constructed.

That allows for a breadth of mind that, in turn. enables a larger and more detailed vision of the world and of imagination.

That’s how it is with me,. I think. I have learned to use this vast vacuum inside my mind caused by the depression to enable me to see further than others. To see more of the chess board than others and therefore able to see more moves ahead than others.

This is strictly metaphorical chess, though. I don’t have the head for the real thing.

Hey, that reminded me of what I had planned to talk about today!

Okay, pretend we’re starting over.

The human calculator

Okay, now let’s talk about what it means when we describe someone as “calculating”. It seems like a simple and intuitive concept but when you give it a poke it soon reveals itself to be quite a dense and complex idea with a lot of assumptions packed into it.

You can tell this because there is such a large gap between its literal meaning and its contexctual meaning. Taken quite literally, it just means it’s someone who thinks logically about what they do – in other words, they calculate it.

And isn’t that what we all do? In some form?

But of course, its contextual meaning when applied to people is quite different. In that context, it implies that the person is cold and ruthless and lacks some basic human emotion and is therefore always viewing everything it terms of advancing their own interests instead of….

Instead of what? That’s where things get really interesting because it’s where cultural analysis starts tripping over its own feet as it tries to define the undefined.

Because what else is there to do but think about things? Feel about them, that’s what. So clearly the missing element in a person we describe as “calculating” is emotional.

And that implies that we expect there to be something besides cold calculation going on in people’s reactions and decision-making and that if it is not there, the person is immoral or even monstrous.

Let’s call this missing emotion “empathy” for the purposes of this discussion. The missing ingredient probably includes more than that, but it’s mostly empathy.

This empathy is clearly supposed to inform our decision making and, at least some of the time, lead us to do things other than what a purely logical, methodical, step by step thought process would produce.

The assumption seems to be that said purely logical thought process would lack human consideration and be entirely selfish.

And that’s where I come in, because I challenge that assumption.

For me, life really is that metaphorical chess game. I make whatever move my calculating mind tells me would produce the best result. ^[1] By doing so, I advance my agenda and improve my position.

And I honestly can’t imagine being any other way.

But nobody who knows me would describe me as calculating , nor would they say I lacked warmth. And I am far from selfish. Nor am I insensitive. ^[2]

I am, in fact, one heck of a nice guy. I sincerely want everybody to be happy and I genuinely enjoy making them happy. I really feel for people And that feeling does not operate outside of my calculating mind.

It is, in fact, integral to the whole operation.

Because no matter how ruthlessly efficient a computer is, it still only does what its operator tells it to do. And I have set mine to constantly calculate what will produce the greatest good in the world, with a balance struck between my own interests and those of everyone else.

In other words, my calculation includes my morality. The calculation is simply my way of figuring things out. Of arriving at the best solution for the problem at hand. And because I take this optimizing approach to life, and because morality is extremely important to the very core of who I am, I am compelled to always do the most moral thing I can.

Suboptimal morality is unacceptable to me.

In that sense, I am a bit like the robot nanny in the Bradbury story “I Sing The Body Electric”. She is most definitely a robot and had a computer for a brain. That means she was quite literally calculatuing in all her decisions. EVerything she did and said was the result of purely logical thought processes.

But all that logical calculation was in the service of her being the best possible nanny she could be for the story’s children. That meants being sweet, kind, considerate, wise, comforting, patient, and one heck of a cookie maker.

In other words, her calculation made her a nearly flawless  representation of everything we think of when we think of compassion.

And that’s more or less how it works with me. Sure, I calculate, but only because I consider that to be the best way to behave as morally as I possibly can.

Other people might find that to be a strangely cold way to approach morality, and I will cop to it being strange. I am a strange guy and do things in strange ways.

But I am not cold. I have the same moral feelings as anyone else.

I just act on them in a slightly different way.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

Remember this guy?

One is my name. The other is not.

As I have been exploring the idea that I am slightly autistic, I have found myself thinking ab out this guy a lot.

The character, as some of you knoiw, is extremely popular in the autism spectrum community because he like all of us with so much as a toe on that scale,. is trying to figure out how to be human without having access to the suite of instincts that most people don’t even know they have and therefore don’t have any way to explain these things to those of us forever locked into remedial social skills class.

Don’t you wish that was a real thing?

Data’s struggle to be human, therefore, maps quite well to the confusion, pain, and difficulty those on the spectrum have with trying to lear n to cope with a world where must people have a sense we lack.

Aside, feel free to skip : why does science fiction always assume that the robot wants to be human? What possible reason would it have to want to be more human? Actual autism spectrum people wants to learn to be human because they are humanand therefore have the same need for things like connection with others, a peer group, the respect of said peer group, and all the rest.

But the easy route to those goals is blocked by the disability. ^[1] So us spectrum types have to take the very long route toi get to our social goals and a lot of us just plain don’t make it. Instead, we join communities where the mutual understanding and support creates a positive environment in which it is safe to lack that certain social something that allows normal poeople to get along with others.

Myself, I am a strange case in point^[2]. Like others further down the spectrum, I also had to figure people out the hard way rather than relying on social instincts. And while that definitely led to social isolation and a lot of pain and abuse I didnt understand, I was lucky enough to be both extremely analytical and highly sensitive. And that meant I had everything I needed to figure out how people tick by observation (largely through TV – explains a lot, doesn’t it) and analysis.

A big part of that analaysis was the emotional impressions I got from my empathic antennae, which thankfully is more or less fully intact. I have never had a big problem understanding people’s motives and reactions. I find it easy to imagine stories in which people interact in a realistic way. I have excellent theory of mind.

But before it starts to sound like I have it TOO good, all of this well developed social insight and whatnot works flawlessly – in analysis. You know, when I have time to think about what is going on.

In realtime,. however, I have to go with my instincts because otherwise I would not be able to keep up with the flow of conversation. I still think about what I am saying a lot more than most people, but I still have to work at conversational speed and not at the speed of deep, quiet, thoughtful analysis.

I am super good at deep, quiet,. thoughtful analysis.

I am also lucky (for the most part) that my default social mask is a pleasant , likeable fellow I have the sorts of verbal and artistic skills that can be great substitutes for social skills if applied properly.

That’s the secret behind the shy artist, by the way,. We develop our artistic skills because we have a lot of difficulty expressing ourselves directly due to our lack of social skills and/or connection.

So all that human potential that was supposed to go into developing complex social skills goes into our art instead.

And now you know.

Meanwhile, back at the topic, I was lucky in that despite total social isolation for a great deal of my childhood, I had the basic tools to at least get by.

That’s more than can be said for those far further down the autism spectrum than I. I know a fair number of people with mild to moderate Asperger’s Syndrome and I can see their struggles and empathize with them deeply because they are a lot like mine.

They only differ in degree.

And because I feel for them so much, and because I am incapable of ignoring a problem that I think I might be able to fix, I feel driven to try to help these people byh trying to help them escape some of the ideas about the world that they developed for very good reasons but which prevent them from recovering.

That tends to go about as well as you’d expect. Most people do not want their eyes open and their horizons broadened, especially not by a friendly robot like myself.

Most people would prefer to just keep on believing that reality as they know it is reality as it is, and when you try to wake them from their dreaming, they throw the alarm clock at you and tell you to STFU.

Can’t say I blame them. I would probably resent it if I was them. I’m not them, I’m an out of control radical genius who thrives on new ideas and points of view and who is always happy to look at things from a new perspective.

In fact, due to my absentminded nature, I am always paranoid aboiut there being something I missed, and so every new perspective helps soothe that paranoid as it gets integrated into my world view.

But I can do that because I have a high IQ and no life. My software would not run on most people’s hardware. It is far too resource intensive and they have a million differen tthings to think about (job, spouse, kids, taxes, mortgage, friends, office politics) and all I do is play video games and think about stuff.

Often at the same time!

And I am humble and realistic enough to realize that despite my big bad brain, there are billions of people in the world who know and understand things I never will because their social skills are instinctual and mine are learned.

IQ only goes so far. Wizards only know so many tricks.

After that, you have to actually deal with people.

And then what?

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.