Many times in my life, I have wondered if it was a gift or a curse to have a sense of order and how things should be done.

Because it’s very hard to make that sense entirely happy. And I am lucky in that mine is not particularly strong and is somewhat restrained by my ferocious pragmatism.

I say somewhat because while the pragmatism holds back the more irrational kinds of impulses (more in that later),. it is powerless against when things are truly being done wrong on something that matters.

So while I can mostly dismiss the little things, like the fact that no two clocks in our clock filled home show the same damned time, larger things like bad design in public works can get under my skin despite my defences.

Usually, I calm myself out of that kind of thing by my own version of the Pragmatist’s Prayer Against Perfectionism, which goes something like :

It’s fine. It’s fine. It works well enough. Not everthing has to be optimized. Everyone is happy with how it is and whatever injustice against efficiency I am obsessing over is not that big a deal. Just because you can see how to make it better does not mean that the current version is wrong. Just caaaaalm dooown.

And I need this sort of mantra because I can easily become obsessed with small things that matter little because of how my mind automatically analyzes how things work and flags what it considers “errors”.

It’s like I am proofreading the entire world.

But I have it under control Mostly. It helps that I have sympathetic friends who will listen to me rant about petty ineffiencies that are bugging me.

One of the most vitally important things one can do for a friend is indulge their neuroses. Listen while they vent their obsessions and they, in turn, will listen while you vent yours. And then you will both feel more sane after.

Sometimes, you just got to let the crazy out. It build up inside like steam pressure and starts interfering with the normal functioning of the mind.

I suppose that included sexual craziness too. People need a way to get whatever kind of sex will fulfill their needs in order to be happy, healthy individuals.

That’s why I truly believe that sexual freedom and indulgence could make the world a far better place. If everyone could get their collective rocks off in the manner of their choosing, people would be so much happier and calmer and less likely to start wars or say mean things.

But we put so many needless barriers in the way and lade people will guilt over things which are in no sense wrong.

Your sexual needs could involve a sprig of parsley, a full sized circus trapeze setup, and a gallon and a half of duck shit, and it would still be morally fine.

I wish more people got that. It would make the world so much better. Everyone would get as much as they want of whatever they need and nobody would be judged for whatever the hell that was ever because everyone would be cool.

Hmmm. I have been pondering the idea of starting an advice column for quite a long time and I think I might have just figured out my angle.

I could start the advice column for all the questions people feel are too dirty, weird, shameful, or humiliating for other advice columns. Questions involving extreme kinks that regular advice columnists will not touch because they are too fucked up for their readers and represent far too small percentage of their readership to be worth grossing out or offending the rest of them.

I’d call myself Mother…. something. Something starting with M that gets the idea of an all forgiving maternality. A motherliness that loves and accepts and supports you no matter what you enjoy doing with your genitals.

A motherliness that sees you as you really are and loves you all the more for it.

Mother Eternal, maybe? It’s not an M word but it flows well and echoes “maternal”.

I will think about it.

I would get the thing started by haunting the forums for Dan Savage’s column and posting that if anyone has questions they would never ask Dan because if anyone ever knew about their thing they would just DIE, they can ask me instead.

I can promise them absolutely not even the slightest hint of kink shaming (Dan can’t offer that, I have seen it) and advice based on a pure and unforced interest in your well being, whether sexual or non.

And note: WE ACCEPT AND CHERISH ALL SEXUALITIES. All of them.

Even the ones that can get you in a lot of trouble.

So if you have a question you could never ask your friends, your family, your lover(s), or even Dan Savage, the solution is simply.

Ask your Mother instead.

And then the URL, of course.

And the thing is, an advice column is a super easy thing to set up. All you need is a place to receive the questions (AKA an email address) and a place to post the answers (AKA a simple blog. )

I can totally do that.

And this is something I truly believe in. I want to spead my loving arms wide and gather in all the people society has left out in the code because of what they are into. I want to shelter people from society’s senseless scorn and parasitic guilt. I want everyone – everyone – to feel safe in their sexuality and know that there is someone out there who loves and accepts and understands them and wants them to be happy.

And when I say everyone, I mean every human being on the planet. Yes, even those people, and those people, and those other people.

You know why?

Because desire is never wrong.

Acts can be wrong, but desires cannot. Whatever your lust demands is morally fine. It is never wrong to want something.

After all, people fantasize about all kinds of things that would be horrible crimes if they happened without consent.

Rape, torture, kidnapping, being buried alive, you name it. If these things happened outside of a consensual sexual play session, they would be appalling.

But if everyone involved has consented and is having a good time, then they are fine.

So yes. I will make myself into the mother figure for all the perverts, weirdos, misfits, drop-outs, losers, and other people who society judges as disposable.

I think I have just found my calling.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.