WARNING : I have no idea where I am going with this. Let’s find out together.

I am, by nature, a creature of enthusiasm. I get big waves of inspiration (and other emotions) and my keenest desire is to follow them.

But I don’t. I hold back. The wave crashes over me, leaving me bruised and battered, and if anything, I end up praying there isn’t another one for a while.

Why? Because I am too scared to surf. I don’t know where that wave is going and so therefore I do not trust it, and refuse to get on board. Plus I am afraid of the power of the wave and tend to assume that could only end in me being dashed to pieces on the rocks of the shore, or by being swept out to sea and lost.

Back to water imagery! But liquid water this time.  That’s progress!

It all comes back to control again, and the underlying assumption that all things which are outside of control and/or cannot be predicted can only lead to disaster.

That’s how it works in my mind. It really feels like unpredictable is the same thing as bad. And my subjective experience reinforces this idea because I do not take surprises well. The unexpected can really fuck me up on an motional level. I have always hated surprises. They undo me.

So in that sense, the unpredictable (or rather, the unpredicted) really is a disaster, regardless of the actual nature of the event.

It could be a surprise party at which I will be feted and celebrated by everyone I love and all the people I admire and given tons of affection and acclimation and recognition ended with a check for ten million bucks, and there would still be a part of me that hates the surprise and is sitting there whining in my mind that it just wants to go home and relax and let my jangled nerves calm back down.

It’s just how I am built.

But back to enthusiasism. The biggest block by far to my catching my own waves is how badly I take disappointment.

Disappointment is basically surprise plus hope times sadness. If I am enthusiastic about doing something and then it turns out I can’t do it and won’t eve do it, I am devastated. The energy of the wave of enthusiasm does not go away easily. It drains slowly and bitterly away, leaving me feeling crushed.

Hence my reluctance to share anything I feel enthusiastic about with some people. There’s nothing wrong with these people, they are just not able to give me the sort of emotional response I am looking for when I share my enthusiasms.

So what I am looking for? Equal enthusiasm and excitement. I want them to be as happy about the whole thing as I am. And that’s a pretty tall order.

It’s one I probably couldn’t fulfill myself, either. Not well enough. Because coming from someone else, that wave of enthusiasm will be treated like a hostile force trying to rip me from my safe little world and be repulsed.

Somewhat. In general, I reflect people’s enthusiasm and do my level best to share it precisely because I don’t want to disappoint them.

But I only have a fixed amount of enthusiasm to share. In general, I can share someone’s enthusiasm as long as doing so does not place any demands of instant action and change of me,

It’s the difference between :

Them ; “I just saw Jay-Z and Beyonce!”
Me : “Oh my god, that’s amazing!”

and

Them ; “I just saw Jay-Z and Beyonce!”
Me : “Oh my god, that’s amazing!”
Them : “Now lets run out into the street and follow them!”
Me : “ummmm…. I don’t really…. ”
Them : “Suit yourself. AWAY! “

I want to be the sort of person who would jump on that opportunity and go with Them to see the officially Royal Couple of the world. I really do.

But I am not.

Luckily, I have plenty of other virtues to make up for the fact that I am not quick off the starting block nor am I good at handling the unexpected.

And disappointment wrecks me.

And I am building up my strength and resistance. I am tired of being an insubstantial wishy washy fearful shadow crouching in a corner hoping nobody notices him and he doesn’t have to deal with people.

I know what I want now. I want that great shining light of warmth and strength and robust health. When I saw the sun shinig through the glass I wanted to reach out and grab it and cram it against my heart in hopes of bringing it back to life.

Live, you magnificent bastard! LIVE!

Sadly, it is not that easy. Melting the ice around my heart and bringing spring to my wintry soul will be a lot more like long, slow sips of a bitter cleaning tea that will drive out all impurities and imperfections and bring me to my true self, shiny and magnificent.

But the process itself will be a rolling nightmare as those impurities object to being remove and front like they are legitimate feelings when they ain’t nothing but trash waiting for me to throw it out.

HARD.

It’s a time of breaking old patterns to make way for new, better, healthier ones that fit me better. A time to recognize that stability is not a primary virtue and there are worse things in the world than unpredictability, surprise, and being out of control.

If I was truly in control, I would have the life I want. Any other definition of being in control is outrageous bullshit that attempts to staple a halo onto what is an unreasoning fear based on some very out of date information.

I am not the sad person who hides from the world and whiles away his days with video games and Facebook and pretending to be a fox.

I am the strong, happy, amazing person who will emerge from the wreckage of that false version of myself.

The one that will step out of that broken shell and stride into the future while this shadow life of mine fades from my mind like a bad dream.

And I will never, ever look back.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.