If we must. I guess.
Pondered going to 7-11 this afternoon, but did not make it. When I tried to get myself to go I got all confused and conflicted and I had to wrestle with one of my biggest problems when it comes to my recovery.
And that is the problem of motivating myself without judging myself. One side of me said “We should go!” and my overweaning superego said “YES IT IS WHAT WE SHOULD DO. ” and then the first part was like, “Wait, that’s can’t be right, we hate that guy and he’s no to be trusted” and then the whole thing went kablooey and I laid down and took a nap instead.
It’s so damned complicated to be me.
But I am not going to let the whole incident merely dissolve back into the ever bubbling nuclear melting pot that is my mind.
I consider the whole thing a stategic loss and plan to win the next time. Possibly as early as tonight, who knows.
Clearly, my depression won that encounter and it did so by forcing me into such a state of conflict that the only way out was to forget the whole thing.
And that is not acceptable.
What I need to do is keep my mind from adding any kind of pressure or obligation to the process. That way lies failure. The only way for me to win is if I keep everything very positive and light and forget about whether doing it is “good’ for me or what I “ought” to be doing with my time.
Instead, I need to go back to my discoveries about intrinsic versus extrinstic motivations and myself, and concentrate on the fact that I want to go.
If the trip is a result of a natural outpouring of my desires, then I can build up a positive picture in my mind of the little adventure and it will be that picture that tugs me very gently in the direction of 7-11.
In fact, it’s not even a tug like someone is tugging on my hand. More like a magnetic pull that makes it easier and more fun to go with it than to resist its influence.
I can beat this thing if I work at it hard enough. After all, there is a world full of life and wonder outside this dirty ol’ apartment of mine just waiting for me to experience it.
And I know for a fact that every time I take one of these little autonomous trips, I end up feeling much better afterwards. I feel less trapped, more free, healthier, more connected with the world, and it lifts my mood.
So screw you, my Bad Predictor. You dont know what the hell you are talking about. I’d rather listen to my heart for a change.
What the hell, it can’t be worse than listening to you.
Got KFC on the way. Yum. I was originally going to get curry. But around twenty minutes ago, the Eleven Herbs and Spices started calling my name, and I just had to respond.
Fuckers didn’t have any 2L of Diet Pepsi for me though. I thought I had found a workaround for at least one part of my supplies issue, but nope.
I made my order online and ten minutes later the manager of the local KFC calls mne and tells me they have no 2L Diet Pepsis, but he can offer me regular Pepsi or 7UP!
I told him I am diabetic, so I can’t drink those. So just forget about it.
Oh well. I guess if I want my caffeine fix I will just have to make that trip to 7-11.
I will think about it. It being dark and increasingly cold out now does kind of put a damper on things.
But the important thing to remember is that whether I go or not, it’s fine. No judgment or internalized punishment is necessary or justified. If I can’t quoite bring myself to do it, that’s fine, there is always next time.
Under no circumstance and on no level is my self-worth on the line.
Just watched the first episode of the Jordon Peele reboot of the Twilight zone with J&J.
It was excellent. Totally worthy of Serling’s legacy. It was a classic Twilight Zone type story very well made.
Not sure why Jordan Peele did the whole thing dressing like he was in an ad for scotch, right down to muttonshops, tweed, and a meershaum pipe, but that’s hardly a dealbreaker. Just…. odd.
Like he seriously looked like he just came in for a quick glass of the good stuff in between walking the Hounds of the Baskervilles and chatting with Lord Greystoke.
Quality references, brought to you today by moi.
Waited until 9:10 pm – more than an hour after I ordered it – to call KFC and ask them where my food was.
Turns out, when I talked to the manager earlier and told him to “forget about it, cancel it”, he thought I meant “cancel the entire order”, not “forget about the 2L of Diet Pepsi”.
Because it’s totally logical to assume that if they don’t have the pop I wanted, I no longer need to eat.
Oh well, the food got here aroind 9:30 pm and I am now fed. And man, I knew I was hungry, but even I am surprised at how fast I ate my food.
Four pieces of KFC chicken, cole slaw, a poutine, and can of Diet Pepsi all disappeared like a frickin’ magic trick.
The sad part is I am still a bit hungry. Honestly, I think the uncertainty added to my irritation and the irritation added to my hunger.
By the time my food finally showed up, I was ready to eat the shit out of that chicken.
Not literally, of course. That would be gross.
So all in all, it’s been a day of ups and downs. Like all of life. I can only hope that one day, I will finally get my shit sorted and be able to have the life I want.
Until then, I will just keep blogging my little heart out.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.