And God am I ever sick of it. And it’s not even May yet. Things are going to get a hell of a lot worse for a very long time before they get better.

I officially hate Summer right now. Fuck it. Why can’t thigns stay cool and reasonable?

And kicker is that I keep making plans for my afternoons. Plans I should know are fatally flawed because they rest on the untenable assumpion that I will be awake and alive and aware at the time, and not, for instance, asleep, dead to the world, and dazed into a stupor by the temperature.

I think that my tendency to imagine I will do things in the afternoon is part not yet adapting to the new reality of afternoon heat, but mostly just another one of those tricks my depression usese to keep me from getting anywhere.

It’s simple, really. It’s just an advanced form of procastination. By punting everything to a time when part of me knows I will be incapacitated, I can preserve the feeling that I was totally going to do the thing without having to actually do the thing.

That little trick is behind most of procrastination. Preserving the idea that you will while knowing that you won’t and therefore getting the benefit (thinking you will) without the cost (actually doing the thing).

Without that little trick, you would have to actually face the fact that you will not do it later or at all. That there is no condition under which you would actually do the thing. All you will ever do is kick it into the future again.

It’s a very self-destrutive delusion and we would all be better off in the long run if we could rid ourselves of it forever.

You can begin to prise the fingers of this delusion from your brain by simply being more specific when you procrastinate.

Instead of “I will do that later”, say “I will do that at this specific time in the future, and I will definitely do it then and not procrastinate again without a medical-level reason. “

Feels totally different that way, doesn’t it? Much scarier and harsher, even though on paper all you are doing is adding details to what you thought you were doing before when you procrastinated.

That’s how you know you have been bullshitting yourself. Being more specific and including an actual statement of commitment wouldn’t change a thing if you actually meant it when you told yourself you would do it later.

On the other hand, if you were lying to yourself each time, adding specifics and a commitment ruins the whole game.

Now you actually have to do it!

And this shit affects all aspects of life. From books you buy knowing you will never get around to reading them and things you PVR knowing your PVR is already packed when other things you will never get around to watching all the way up to people telling themselves they will “get back” to their writing, or drawing, or whatever else they need to do to pursue their actual dreams when deep down, they know they will never do it because it’s always going to be easier to watch stuff they PVR’d, or hang out with friends, or whatever else they do instead of getting on with life.

And the thing about this trap that makes it so insidious is that it is so comfortable. It feeds you just enough of the feeling that you are definitely going to do the thing in order to keep your ambitions and desires for self-actualization placated and makes it ever so easy to let days and years and decades of your life go by without you moving one iota towards that lofty goal you still think you will accomplish some day.

And as long as you always do whatever is easiest, things will never change, and you can rest assured that you can slide all the way to your very comfortable grave believing that you will do that thing one of these days.

Well, I suppose it’s possible that you will one day wake up to the fact that you are middle aged and haven’t done jack shit to pursue your goals for decades and suddenly panic and try to do everything all at once.

But you will soon give up on that and declare it to be “too late” or “too hard” or whatever other bullshit excuse works for you, and go right back to being comfortable.

Heck, you’ll probably even go right back to thinking you will do that thing “eventually”.

After all, it’s not like your standards for believing that could get any lower.

I suppose that if I wanted to turn this into applicable advice, I would say “Do the thing. Whatever it is. The thing that you have been putting off forever. Do it, and then do the next thing, and the thing after that, and so on till you reach your goal. And if you can’t do that, at least be honest enough with yourself to admit that you are never going to do it. ”

This is advice that I need as much as anyone, if not more. I have been maintaining the belief that I will some day “get better” and “catch up” to my peers somehow (in terms of having a job and a life and a mate and so on” without making any appreciable effort to move closer to those goals for way too many years.

I tell myself that I am making progress psychologically, and it certainly feels that way, but maybe I am just bullshitting myself about that.

Maybe all I have been doing is spinning my wheels while I wait to die.

Under what conditions would I actually be willing to leave my comfy comfort zone and start sending my writing to people who might have a use for it?

Maybe if I was diagnosed with a fatal illness. Maybe.

Or maybe I would just use that as an excuse to do even less.

So maybe I should be honest enough with myself to admit that there is no chance of any of that shit coming true unless something changes.

And it’s up to me to change it. I am the only one who can do it.

So the question is : do I want my ambitions to come true bad enough that I am willing to make the sacrifices it will take to achieve them?

Or am I content to wallow in my sty till the day I die?

Either way, this middling bullshit has to end.

And I am the only one who can end it.

I just need to find the courage to endure the pain.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.