…of the overgrown twelve year old that is me.

Today’s been OK. Same ol’ really. except for not feeling up to doing Paragon tonight.

The anxious pressure going out engenders had been building up in me for quite some time. Every time I managed to drag myself out the door for my usual social rounds, I felt like I was rolling my saving throw against a steadily rising in level attack, and I knew eventually I would fail.

Today I failed. Sad.

So no Paragon for me this week. Hopefully I have now gotten this anxiety out of my system and can go back to being fairly calm about stuff.

But whether it does or not, I am not going to let this become a pattern of avoidance. I skipped one thing one time and that was just to let the horses run around in corral a while so they tired themselves out.

Now it’s back into the barn and back to behaving themselves.

Still, I have been feeling a little bit of wanderlust lately. Spring brings that out in me, despite my generally being too chickenshit to do anything about it. I long for pastures anew. New people. new places, new experiences, new possibilities.

Anything to break the dull droning pattern of my misbegotten life.

I actually have the urge to deliberately get myself lost somewhere so that I have no choice but to explore my environment and hopefully put myself into the right frame of mind to simply accept things as they come without trying to force them into some kind of larger life pattern.

I did it because I thought it would be fun, and it was. The end.

Generally speaking I have only had experience like that…

a) …in my dreams. I mean. literally in my dreams. I have dreamed a lot of dreams where I get lost, and the more I try to get back to where I started or was planning to go, the more lost I get, until I have no idea where the fuck I am or how to get anywhere.

I figure this is my brain’s way of getting me out of my usual vigilantly reasoned frame of mind and into a state where the sort of dream logic solutions to mental conflicts can play themselves out.

Fair enough. Wish I could just take myself off the leash and dream all the dreams I need to dream, but I suppose that kind of thing doesn’t happen without drugs or some other form of hallucinogenic experience.

But I am ready. Pain, darkness, confusion, and the cold mean nothing to me any more. Bring it on. I eat your pain. I banish your darkness with my brightness. I mock your confusion, because who needs constant clarity anyhow?

And I drive the cold from my hearth with the healing powers of my firelight.

I have all the attributes and abilities of a poet except for the desire to write poetry.

So it comes out in prose, right here on my obscure and humble blog.

And I have often wondered what would happen if I simply stopped worrying about making sense or communicating a message and just let the imagery flow according to its own internal logic.

Might lead to some pretty amazing art that reasonates super deep with people because it comes from such a deep emotional place.

Might end up being complete and total twaddle.

Probable end up somewhere in between.

Another possibility would be to start going to these poetry slams and just freestyle that shit. That would be pretty dangerous because I could say some pretty crazy shit under those particular circumstances.

And they would be backed by my powerful verbal skills, so it would be weird shit that really makes a strong impression in people’s minds, one they never forget.

Still, I am pretty sure I could win those competitions. Especially when I have seen enough of them to get an idea of what sort of thing goes over well.

Then again, I might say “fuck all that” and tap into my penchant for doing things my own way and deliberately ignore what “works” in favor of what works for me.

And to hell with what the slackjawed sycophants want!

I’d be the “bad boy” of slam poetry. My word, would I enjoy that.

Let’s see…. oh, I got a $75 gift certificate for Amazon from my sister Anne today, for my lil ol birthday.

I am thinking of getting this :

Just kidding. It’s the Naipo Vibrating Massager Seat Cushion Massage for Full Back and Neck with 8 Motor Vibrations 4 Modes 3 Speed Heating for Home Office Car. 

Or “Joey” for short.

It’s a device to turbn any chair into a massage chair. Applies vibration and heat in various forms and amounts to your back to relax it.

I definitely need something to help with my back. And that product certainly seems impressive. And I have wanted a vibrating chair since forever.

I had something like it a long time ago, but it broke and I was way too depressed to deal with the whole warranty thing.

But I have never heard of Naipo before, and in this day and agem you have to be careful with buying stuff from overseas because there’s some seriously bad actors selling people total crap and it makes the whole market seem tainted.

So maybe I will, maybe not. But I am looking for something like that, if not that one specifically. Something that can tackle my fat dense stacks of back pain and maybe actually give me some time when my back doesn’t hurt at all.

And I haven’t had one of those since my second growth spurt.

Right now, I am going to do the next best thing, which is to lay down and rest.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.