Pretty nifty title, eh?

I am speaking, of course, of the real world. As much as my overdeveloped cold circuit would like to believe otherwise, there is far more to this world than the things that make sense and fit together in a way that is pleasing to the rational mind.

And now that I know this, I can’t go back to pretending that my magnificent mind, as amazing and powerful as it is, is all I need to cope with life.

It’s a hell of a hammer but life ain’t all nails.

I feel lke in order to learn to expand my mind and soul beyond the straightjacket of reason and logic, I am going to have to go way, way back in my development as a human being and try to find that part of me that was ready to learn about the world in its own terms, without presuppositions and pre-formed structures to fit things in.

In other words, I need to access the person I was before I was raped.

At the age of 4.

Like I said…. way, way back.

And this goes beyond merely remembering what a happy and adorable kid I was before my world was shattered by a stranger’s cock. It is helpful to remember that, as long ago as it was, there was a time before I was an emotional cripple, but it is more important that I dig back to that time and find where I left off in my emotional development.

And once I find it, start that sucker up again. I both want and need to finally grow up and become a real, fully developed, healthy individual, and the key is my early childhood.

To that end, let’s play What If I Hadn’t Been Raped?

It’s a fun game.

Without that world shattering penis entering my life (and my body) I would have continued being the same happy little smartassed kid I was beforehand. I would still be too smart for my own good, but perhaps not quite as ultra-bright because I am no longer a socially isolated loner who spends all his copious free time in class thinking about stuff and developing his reasoning mind.

So I probably would have been a good student, assuming they could get me to slow down and pay attention and do the work.

There’s a bit of a question mark besides that because I am naturally willful and fiercely independent, so I might have had the usual sorts of disciplinary issues us smart times get into when we are young and school is boring us to tears.

I would like to say that I would have gotten into kindergarten if the rape hadn’t happened, but I can’t. That was a re-rape healthy me that was a smug little asshole when they were testing me.

They were asking me questions I found insultingly easy and I was stuck between being affronted at the very notion that I might not know these things and being vastly amused at how stupid the whole thing was.

I can’t imagine that being any different in this alternate scenario.

Fast forward to Grade 1. I presumably would have gone through the same arc of being initially popular and getting along great with my fellow students, although given my lack of kindergarten, I might have burned some bridges by being sarcastic and dismissive with my fellow students.

And, to be honest, probably the teachers too.

But at least in this scenario, I would not also be pathetically emotionall dependent on them because I don’t connect with my fellow students.

So then would come the challenge by that little shit Trevor. The one who got the rest of the kids calling me fat and laughing at me in a way that my lack of social development left me entirely unable to handle.

And that’s when I shut down, withdrew, and became the reclusive misfit who was both way ahead and way behind my fellow students.

That’s the real world. I am thinking that knowing how stubborn and combative I am by nature, it would have gone radically different in our alternate timeline.

I probably would have ending up in a fight with him, to be honest. If it escalated that far. I sure as hell wouldn’t take it numbly and dumbly like I did in the real world.

I told you there would be behavioural issues. In this timeline, I am certainly no angel. The best you can say about me is that I would always mean well.

That brings me to the ticklish issue of what exactly I would be like if there wasn’t a mass of psychological scar tissue passively restraining my sarcastic and combative nature.

I am fairly certain I would have straightened myself out eventually, and come to the decision that I wanted to learn and get through school and so I would then choose to behave myself and do what I am told.

But getting there might have been rough. Without all that depression and social isolation, there would be little keeping me from reacting to elementary school the same way as I reacted to the testing for kindergarten : affronted, smug, and sarcastic.

So it might have taken me a while to get around to deciding that it was worthwhile to play nice and cooperate with the grownups even when they seem like idiots to me.

Again, not an angel.

I have to admit, this version of me amuses me. I can’t help but imagine him as being a lot like my character Sam, the too smart for his own good kid I created for my Writing for Animation class and took through various stages of my VFS education.

And like Sam, he would be clueless enough to say what he thinks most of the time, but he would not be doing it nearly as innocently.

Sam says what he says because he doesn’t know any better.

This other version of me would be doing it because he found it hilarious and was in love with his own wit and cleverness.

Yep….. definitely not an angel.

But I can’t help but love him anyhow.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow..