Wow, my order from Edo Japanese is only taking 16 minutes to get to me.

That’s almost too fast.

Anyhow, tonight’s subject is the extremely tricky question of how to build myself up despite my tendency to tear myself apart.

I have likened trying to rid myself of my self-destroying tendencies to trying to defuse a bomb before, and it’s an apt metaphor. I feel like I am trying to guide my self-worth through a minefield without setting any off.

Clearly, when the problem is this inricatr and intractable, a next-level solution is desired. Something that gets at, to over-extend the metaphor like I do, the people who put the fucking minefield there in the first place.

In other words, I am looking for the primary mechanism of my self-destruction so I can deal with the problem at its root.

The root is, of course, anger.

Anger directed inward. That’s a good definition of depression right there. It doesn’t cover everything about depression but it gets the main problem across beautifully.

I have a lot of rage in my bloodstream that never gets externalized. Instead, it attacks me from the inside, like my own internal predator. It takes out its frustration on me by destroying anything good inside me the moment it is born, and it is a master at impoding my self-worth, along with any other kind of stability I try to build for myself.

Obviously, then, my anger needs an outlet. For some people, that outlet manifests as a bad, cranky, irritable mood, but I don’t think that’s an option for me.

I am far too keenly self-aware for that. I can’t fool myself into thinking it is about something else and attacking someone on that, like I have seen so many people do.

I know what my emotions are, where they come from, and why they are there. That means I cannot dodge responsibility for how I express. If I throw a fit because I need to vent, I will feel bad for the damage I do to people because I know exactly what I am doing and why.

This is another reason why I think a capacity for self-delusion is absolutely necessary for the healthy functioning of a human mind. Fools like me who know more than is good for them end up depressed because they have no self-delusions to act like bandages for their mental wounds and therefore nothing ever heals.

No wonder I am so fucked up.

Back to anger. So I can’t deny responsibility for my actions based on emotional needs, therefore I will need to do something deliberate in order to deal with my rage.

Some day soon, I will do that super angry blog post that I have been sort of planning ever since therapy last Thursday.

I have it more or less planned out in my mind, but so far, I have been far too chickenshit to actually do it because I know the emotions it will evoke will be very unpleasant and I will likely end up extremely upset.

And that like…. sucks.

But I will have to pull the trigger on that soon. Another thing about knowing so much about myself is that I know it’s the right thing to do for me at this point in my recovery and so I will have to do it.

Soon. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe.

My other scheme for venting some of my sea of rage is to get involved in political discussions online. I am a passionate ideologue and very articulate, and I could make a pretty big splash with my unusual opinions and unique point of view.

I am not sure where to start, but that’s not really the issue. There are lots of places where I could make a splash. Like the Cracked forums, Reddit, various political blogger’s websites, hell the Fox News forums for as long as they would let me post before banning me for life.

I would consider that an honor.

The real issues is courage, I suppose. The courage to leave my comfort zone behind and commit to doing something with myself and all this power and potential at my command. The courage to take the responsibility that comes with that power.

I think that’s the real issue that keeps me from using my gifts. I am afraid of the responsibility that comes with that much power.

Quite frankly. that power scares the hell out of me. If I really think about what I am capable of, I get a rampant case of the heebie-jeebies.

And part of me wants to say “Fuck my overdeveloped sense of responsibility, I am going to put my voice out there as loud and hard as I can and the world can go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut if they can’t handle it. ”

It;s a very seductive voice. I have so much suppressed id power (rage, lust, ambition…. ) that the idea of taking the leash off and letting my id roam free sounds very, very good to me right now. After all, why should I show more restraint that everyone else venting their opinions onto Internet forums? They aren’t holding back. Why should I?

Cue the ghost of Stan Lee saying “Because with great power come great responsibility!”

Aw, yer no fun.

But yes, that is true. But what if I can do more good in the world by being my bold and brassy self and destroying all the arguments of all the bad people than by keeping to myself and posting politely?

Don’t I have a responsibility to do that instead? Just like Spider-Man’s responsibility to fight crime with his extraordinary gifts?

I feel like I have been dodging the question of whether my gifts come with the responsibility to use them to improve the world for my entire life.

I don’t like to think about it. Which means it must be thought about. The greatest gains lie in the areas of greatest resistance, after all.

But maybe not today. That’s a topic for another blog post.

I swear, though, I will stop dodginjg the question soon!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.