OK, here goes. Actually typing in my jokes.

You would not believe the amount of superstitious fear I am experiencing right now. As if writing them down will somehow rob them of their magic!

1. The car alarm is a failed technology. Nobody hears a car alarm go off and thinks “Oh no! Someone is stealing a car! I shall alert the authorities!”. They think, “Oh great, some asshole’s car alarm is going off. I wonder how long it will take them to turn it off? “. So what’s the point? Still, there is one good thing about them : they help you find your car. I remember the bad old days, when you’d leave the mall and wonder where the hell you parked. Nowadays you just press a button and it’s like your car says, “Here! I’m over here!”.
2. The dishwasher is also failed technology. See, I grew up without one. When I was a kid, a dishwasher wasn’t an appliance…. it was a person. Usually one of us kids. So when I encountered my first dishwasher as an adult, I thought it would basically be like a washing machine, but for dishes. But nooooo. There’s all these rules about where to put what dish and what can go in with what. And to top it all off, you have to scrape the dishes off first. What kind of bullshit is that?
3. Another failed technology? The self-checkout. It’s not faster. It’s not simpler. It’s sure as heck not easier. It’s really just a scam to make the customers do the cashier’s job so they can fire half their cashiers. So I refuse to use them. Why choose the option that comes with way more work AND guilt?
4. When a man calls a woman “cheap”, he means that he probably wouldn’t have to spend a lot of money to get her to sleep with him. When a woman calls a man cheap, she means he thinks he wouldn’t have to spend a lot of money to get to sleep with her.
5. I could tell you how old I am. But I prefer to tell you that Facebook is the only social media platform I use.
6. I’m 49 years old. But I’m also three years young. So, 46. Notice how they never describe anyone who is actually young as “X years young”? That’s how you know it’s patronizing bullshit. “Here’s my grandson, he’s 7 years young. ”
7. It’s when I am forced to wear suspenders that I start to understand how women feel about their bras. Sure, they get the job done, but at the end of the day you can’t wait to get those damned things off.
8. What I love about weed is that it makes overeating cool. “I ate a whole bucket of KFC, six Twinkies, and an entire ice cream cake last night. ” “You fat disgusting pig!” “…..cause I was STONED. ” “Oh! Cool bro. ” Call it the Seth Rogen effect.
9. I hate people who aren’t paying attention to me. So if you’re not paying attention to me right now, FUCK YOU.
10. And remember, the more you drink, the funnier I get. So if you’re not laughing, the problem isn’t that I’m not funny – it’s that you’re not drunk enough yet!

That’s a quick ten. You know, I think this actually made me more excited to tell the jokes because I developed them further in the process of writing them down.

And there’s lots more to go!

More after the break.

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Did comedy again. Not much response, as usual. But as usual, it was mostly because almost nobody was even paying attention.

Thanks folks. Really takes the pressure off.

Now where was I….

1. I suffer from social anxiety, because…. that’s pretty much all you can do with it. Social anxiety is… badly needing a refill but being unable to ask the waitress for one because she seems busy and you don’t want to bother her.
2. I am the cure for rape culture, because I am 6’1″, 300 pounds, and gay. In other words, I am the average white dude’s prison rape nightmare. So please, ladies, next time some incel neckbeard is going on about how women lie about rape all the time, call on me. “Yeah, so many false accusations of rape out there…. hey, can I buy you another drink? ”
3. Bruce Lee was the coolest man to ever live because he could make chicken noises and instead of them making him uncool, he made them cool.
4. There’s cat people and dog people, and I am a cat person. Yes… I am actually six cats in a human suit. Just kidding. You know cat people are a different breed because you can say “Cats are perfect killing machines!” and we just sigh and say “yeah. 🙂 ” Cats are introverts.
5. I like that cars these days have backup cameras for when the main camera fails.
6. I’ve never been very good at sleeping.
7. I’ll never be the little spoon
8. No cute animals were harmed during the production of this film.
9. Remember, technically, it’s only an elevator on the way up. On the way down, it’s a delevator. Same with escalators.
10. Only the knife is cutlery. The spoon is scooplery, and the knife is pokelery.

That’s enough for now, I think. I will do the rest tomorrow, and after that, well, I guess I will just have to start writing new stuff.

Feeling very sleepy all of a sudden. No mystery as to why – I didn’t sleep much last night. I was so upset by how hard I slept and how fucked up it made me yesterday that today I didn’t take a sleeping pill and therefore did not sleep much.

So it;s pick you poison, more or less. Either I oversleep and feel terrible or I barely sleep at all and feel terrible in a different way.

Well, like I said, I have never been very good at sleeping. Experts say that usually means something went wrong in my very early childhood that meant I never learned to soothe myself to sleep.

Yeah no shit.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.