Another good session today. One more and I will feel like I have sufficient evidence to declare that showing up grumpy works. \
This time, I deliberately got myself worked up on the way over. Nothing particularly annoying happened, I just got myself feeling pumped up and feisty.
Turns out, the annoying stuff would come AFTER therapy.
(Skip this next bit, Julian)
Before therapy. Julian told me he would be waiting in the waiting room of my therapist’s office, or in the parking lot.
After therapy, I come out – no Julian.
Immediately I felt abandoned, forgotten about, abused, and neglected. I had been triggered good. It took some doing to fight all that back and remember that he probably had Joe’s phone on him, and called him, and he told me he would be back in five.
It was more like ten, but whatever.
I was pretty annoyed with him for this slip-up, but did not feel like it was worth fighting for, so I left it behind me.
Um, except for now. When I am blogging about it.
In my defense, this is how I process my emotions.
You can come back now, Julian. I am not mad and I forgive you. It was just a silly error that happened to trigger my issues.
In the session, I vented about a lot of stuff that needed venting. Like how I basically raised myself because nobody thought I was worth any time, energy, effort, or thought and so I grew up without any kind of nurturing, care, or guidance.
And so I grew up sad. I realized that, apart from the two years I went to UPEI in the early Nineties, I have been miserable my entire life. I was depressed on the first day of elementary school and I was depressed on the last day of high school and the whole time I was in the regular school system, I was depressed.
And I have been depressed ever since my parents selfishly took my brother and I out of college. For a while, I was so depressed it damn near killed me.
And it’s been nothing but depression ever since. The location changed but the disease remained the same.
So I have no idea what it is like to actually enjoy life. To look forward to the next day. ro have a sense of purpose and meaning. To feel like I have earned my place in society. To feel romantic love, or even sincere and mutual lust.
At my happiest, I have viewed life as something to endure. My life is something I survive on a day to day business. Occasionally, a shadow lifts, and I feel somewhat sort of a little okay for a while.
But for the most part, I am simply trying to get through life with as little pain as I can. The only possible destination is death and that is by default.
I have suffered in the shadows for so very long.
It is all I have ever known.
More after the break.
The coldest shadow, revisited
So um…,. this happened.
I was waking up from a nap when I suddenly felt this intense chill.
It was like nothing I have ever felt before. It was horrible and terrifying and I am really starting to worry about myself.
And it was definitely coming from the inside. The room was perfectly warm and I didn’t feel cold on the surface at all.
But deep inside, it was an arctic nightmare. It seemed to be centered on the core of my chest but I felt it all through my torso. A terrible coldness radiating and twisting like a tornado deep inside me.
And it’s been five hours, and it’s still not entirely gone. I still feel cold in the core of my chest. I still feel like I want to barf up an icicle and be rid of this horrid feeling.
Add this to the stiffness in my joints and the fatigue and the feeling of frailness and all my other symptoms, and it really seems like i have some old timey illness that people used to die off in the bad old days.
It sure as fuck isn’t a common cold, I can tell you that.
So now I am even more keenly anticipating hearing from my doctor about what the ever loving hell is happening to me.
On the plus side, pretty sure it ain’t psychosomatic (attic insane). No way my subconscious could cook up symptoms like these. Symptoms that are not like anything I have experienced before in my life. Like joint stiffness and that awful, awful chill.
It took a while for the initial chill to thaw out, and like I have said, it is still not entirely gone. At first, I just lay there in bed not knowing what the hell was going on. But eventually, I got up and did, what else, played Fallout New Vegas in order to distract myself so I could calm down.
The DLC has been well worth the money so far. I’ve played through the quest called Old World Blues and it was fantastic. Bursting with creativity and originality and personality and other things I love that end in Y.
And all with this bizarre and wonderful off-kilter sense of humor. For example, your home in that module is a place called The Sink (dunno why) and each appliance has its own hilarious AI personality.
So there’s a toaster that talks like a hyped up psycho bro-soldier and wants to burn the whole world but can only make toast. And then there’s Muggy, a VERY high strung and overwrought little robot whose entire existence is dedicated to cleaning coffee mugs and is tormented by the absurdity of his own existence.
Poor little guy. I make sure to bring him coffee mugs now and then so he can experience (and resent) the bliss of cleaning them.
I thoroughly enjoyed the whole thing. I am currently doing another of the DLC modules, Honest Hearts, and it’s perfectly fine but can’t help but pale in comparison.
Think I will get back to it now.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.