In other words, more stuff about my Mars being in Pisces.

Like I said before, Mars is not happy in Pisces. Fire and water don’t mix. At best, there are times when I can harness my Rising Sign of Cancer to rally together with the Mars in Pisces and get a good head of steam going.

From an artcle on The Astro Codex :

A Mars in Pisces person can be lacking self-confidence, especially if the native is a male

…Copyright (©) https://theastrocodex.com – Read more at https://theastrocodex.com/natal-mars-in-pisces/

Yo. I resemble that.

Thus, the native does not learn how to fight in life, frequently being afraid to take decisions.

…Copyright (©) https://theastrocodex.com – Read more at https://theastrocodex.com/natal-mars-in-pisces/

The article is talking about Mars in Pisces with a weak father figure. They are talking about fathers into substance abuse and such, but it also works for my situation, namely that I had a father with anger control issues who scared me too much for me to even begin to bond with him and he spent very little time guiding me or helping me.

I will give him credit, though. He tried. He took me and my brother Dave out shooting (at tin cans and bottles only, of course). He got me to help him in his little work shop. He took me on that trip in 88. He really did try.

But those were isolated incidents. Even when it was just him and me watching the news, I was still scared of him, and that meant I could never really connect with him.

I was just too sensitive and frankly wimpy for the kind of fathering he could provide. And I know I have suffered because of that. If things had been different, perhaps he would have taught me to be tougher and face the world head on more often.

Instead, I am deep and sensitive but also weak and timid.

Very Mars in Pisces.

Luckily, I don’t have trouble sticking up for myself when challenged. Direct challenges are not just easy for me, I enjoy them way too much. I am not the sort that gets pushes around or intellectually bullied.

Hmmm. The article says the best way to strengthen my weak psyche is through exercise. I am going to have to think that over.

Then there’s this :

This natal placement can make an individual hold his anger inside, which is definitely not the best thing to do for long. As this energy searches desperately ways to come out, it might affect the chart bearer’s body through psychological problems, fears and nightmares…

…Copyright (©) https://theastrocodex.com – Read more at https://theastrocodex.com/natal-mars-in-pisces/

Boy, does that ever apply to me. I have never been comfortable expressing my anger on a personal level. I can passionately defend my ideals all day, and of course I love to argue, and will come to the defense of others without hesitation or fear.

But my own personal anger about things that have been done to me and all the emotional inputs that I never got in my life?

That’s hard, man.

More after the break.

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Let’s talk about keeping in contact.

I am not good at it. It’s a shyness thing. It is very, very hard for me to initiate contact with me. I always feel like I will be interrupting them. Like I am barging in to their busy and important lives and they will resent it and wish I would leave them alone.

Plus I have never had a lot of initiative to begin with. Probably another Mars in Pisces thing. So it’s hard for me to initiate damn near anything, really.

It can be so hard simply to decide to do something.

Because I know this about myself, I have often felt guilty about all the people in my life with whom I have lost contact and lack the chutzpah to regain it. I always imagine that these people think I hate them or that I don’t give a shit about them or something equally horrifying, and have given up on me.

It’s not true, of course. But I still feel guilty.

But here’s the thing. I am not the only one who can contact people. If they wanted contact with me, they could take it upon themselves to make the first move.

And if they do, they will get my usual enthusiastic warm greeting, and I will be genuinely delighted to hear from them.

So clearly, none of these semi-mythical people miss contact with me all that much. Not enough to actually be bothered to drop me a line and say hello.

So it’s not all my fault, anyhow. People just aren’t all that keen to deal with me.

That’s both better and worse.

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More wet Martian stuff :

In their attempt to not hurt others, they may hurt themselves.

…Copyright (©) https://theastrocodex.com – Read more at https://theastrocodex.com/natal-mars-in-pisces/

Look. If it’s a choice between hurting others and hurting myself, I will hurt myself every single time. And I will feel noble and justified in doing so.

I refuse to pass the pain along. It dies in me. I will not perpetuate the cycle of victimization by injecting my pain into some else’s veins. It stops right here.

And if that means I carry that shit till the day I die, fine.

I will die knowing I subtracted some pain from the world.

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That does leave the question of how the bad stuff is supposed to get out, though.

Venting on deserving targets is one solution. Of course, the real deserving targets are the people who neglected and mistreated me.

But the big one, my preschool rapist, is not available because I don’t even know who he is. I don’t remember a face, even.

My bullies didn’t exactly go on to wonderful lives. All the teachers that could not be bothered to care for or defend me are probably dead by now. I could hurl a lot of thunderbolts at my family but I don’t want to face the blowback and I don’t want to lose what little connection with them I have.

So where does all my anger go?

Well I am a writer. So I suppose I could write a thinly-disguised tell-all novel.

Call it Summerside Place.

I wonder how much I will get for the movie rights….

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

First, let’s get the obligatory music link out of the way :

But what I really want to talk about starts with this video :

OK, so maybe watching that video was not a good idea for me, a highly neurotic person who has been in therapy for a real long time and might be prone to wondering if they themselves were a lost cause.

Too late now. Damage is done.

And I don’t think I am a lost cause, but the remarks about the patients who are in therapy forever and who just rehash the same stuff over and over struck home.

And it made me wonder about my own situation, where I see my therapist almost every week and yet I have flat out told him that “doing things” is not an option for me because “doing things” is my whole problem and it’s just not going to happen.

That seems like a pretty defeatist and ignorant attitude to take to me now. I mean, what’s a therapist even supposed to do with that?

And this is where the freeze frame comes in, because that is what is stopping me. When I even think of doing something outside the apartment, something that would expand my world, I freeze up inside.

And I don’t know how to fix that. There is no direct, blunt force attack way to overcome it. I can’t blast it away with passion or smash it with willpower or dissect it with analysis or overwhelm it with an application of sheer intellect. I can’t charm it or amuse it or distract it away.

And that’s pretty much my entire toolkit.

I only unfreeze when I am sure the “predator” – which in this case is the prospect of leaving my teeny tiny comfort zone – is gone.

And that’s pure instinct and emotion, which operate well below the level my powerful conscious mind can access.

Trying to grasp them consciously feels like I am trying to grab at something frozen deep in crystal clear ice. I can see it. It’s right there. But I can’t reach it or even touch it.

And my hands go numb when I try.

In that situation, I don’t know what I can do beyond therapy and blogging. I try to imagine possibilities and all I get is more numbing cold blasts of ice cold fear.

There’s always the litany of things I “could do”. Promote this blog. Apply for writing jobs. Get back into freelancing. Start a podcast. Lose all respect for myself and sell my body on the street.

But I can’t do those things. The ice prevents me.

Maybe if I can hold one of them in my mind for long enough, it will melt, and become possible for me.

Now all I have to do is pick one…..

More after the break.

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Pretty fucking depressed right now.

More chemical bullshit. Such is my life. Right now I feel like I would do anything just to be able to feel something right now.

That suggests that depression and numbness are linked – that the more numb you become, the more depressed you express.

Or something like that.

I just keep waking up like this. And it sucks. Maybe my sleep apnea is getting worse and I feel this bad because I need some fucking oxygen.

Seems as likely as anything else.

My head hurts too, which is consistent with low oxygen. Or sinus pressure. Or a million billion other things.

The easy answer would be that I am depressed because I am all alone on Xmas Eve. And I am sure that doesn’t help, but honestly, I don’t think that is really it.

This is a lot deeper and more primal than that. I would pay a lot of money for it to be something as simple and sensible as loneliness.

I feel so very small right now. Just like before. Small and scared and fragile and wanting to scream bloody murder into the cold night air just to express all the fucked up feelings rolling and roiling inside me right now.

Yawning big time now. Yup, it’s the oxygen thing.

Did Xmas with the roomies today. Got Joe some mp3s, Felicity will be getting a boxed set of Galaxy Rangers (great show) DVDs, and Julian will get a wallet I bought for myself but decided I did not like.

I know that sounds bad but trust me, it’s what he wants.

They pooled their resources and got me a $50 Steam gift card. I have used it to purchase and download a game with the highly unlikely name “Disco Elysium”.

No, it’s not a music or dancing game.

Other than that, I dunno, because I haven’t played it yet. Other things keep popping up and getting in the way. I will try it soon, though, and likely report my impressions here.

I got it because it sounds interesting and the reviews are spectacular. It has a Metacritic score of 91 percent, which is pretty frigging rare.

We will see how I take to it. Worst case scenario, I end up not liking it and return it and find something else to play.

Not going to try it when I am still feeling like I feel right now, though. Right now I hate everything and everyone.

Not the ideal setup for trying new things, especially when you tend to vacillate between neophobia and neophilia like I do.

I wonder how much getting home oxygen would cost me. I could really go for some of the straight up pure stuff right about now.

Yawning is taking too fucking long.

Well, Merry Effing Christmas to me, I guess. I can hear people partying in my apartment complex. Must be nice to have people to be with tonight.

Instead, I am all alone, as usual. The lonely little boy out in the dark and the cold, looking in on the warm welcoming world he’s never been a part of, wondering what it would be like to truly be alive.

Slowly freezing to death.

I will talk to you nice people on Christmas Day.