Still fairly sleepy, but I can tell that I am around three quarters caught up with my sleep debt. So the end is in sight.
Correspondingly, I am skipping the Diet Coke I normally have with lunch so that I stand a chance of catching up this afternoon and being done with the whole thing.
So it’s good ol’ tap water for me this time.
Found a gift from my mother I had forgot to open. It’s Apple Cinnamon Hot Chocolate. Seems like a weird combination of two things (Apple Cinnamon and Hot Chocolate) to me, but I would be game to try…. if the first THREE ingredients weren’t sugar.
I shittest thou not. First three ingredients : fructose, dextrose, and sugar.
I guess Mom forgot I was diabetic. Or thought I treated it in as cavalier a fashion as my brother Dave does, according to her.
Either way it’s kind of depressing. You expect the ones who love you to know you better than that. But she’s in her seventies, so I forgive her.
I am sure I can find someone who will like it.
The words are not coming easily right now. Brain is still somewhat fuzzy. After I finish this part of my blog entry, I will likely go back to bed for yet more sleep.
Still fighting to keep it from becoming depression. It’s hard to fight back the frustration at having my time on Earth stolen away from me like this. I have to keep telling myself that nothing of value is being lost.
But like I always say during these times, I don’t want to sleep. I want to do something. I want to have fun. I want to enjoy being alive.
If only I always had that kind of lust for life.
But I have always been too scared to really let my passions ignite and carry me forward. I get that “cling to my shell” feeling, like something is trying to take me away to God knows where, and so I cling like a barnacle to my sad little life instead of letting my passions and desires take me anywhere.
I wish I could see life as an adventure, full of excitement and exploration and really wild things, with new people and new experiences every single day.
But just typing that sentence filled me with panic and dread. The part of me that wants to go out and experience the world and be a part of things is, so far, no match for the part of me that wants to hide from everything and stay safe.
That’s what happens when depression has held you down for your entire adult life. Wanting to go out and conquer the world would be great… if I was 20 and not 46.
Or maybe it wouldn’t make a damned bit of difference and I would be a wizard locked in his own tower no matter what.
What a depressing thought.
More after the break.
Got some free time, so figured I would get some more blogging done.
Mostly slept today. No big surprise there. I still feel like I am not too far from the finish line of actually catching up on sleep, but I could be wrong.
I could have merely caught up with being overtired and now is when the actual sleeping for rest and recuperation begins.
Either way, I at least feel somewhat better. So there’s that, at least.
I still feel like hibernating but at least I will be hibernating comfortably.
I wonder, though, about sleep debt. Some say that there is no such thing. But they always say it in the context of people who think it’s fine to stay up all night on weeknights because they can just catch up on sleep on the weekend, and that kind of moralistic approach makes me suspicious.
If what you are really saying is, “I don’t approve of this behaviour and therefore the basis for its justification must be false”, I don’t need to hear from you.
All I know is that sleep debt is the only framework to describe why I go through these sleepy periods that I know of, and that therefore validates it as far as I am concerned.
It might not be true for everyone, but it’s sure as hell true for me.
Emailed Sav-On about them not having returned the money for the grocery order I ended up canceling yet. They said it was because of someone not replying to an email but that the refund will go through within 24 hours.
BUT ALSO that it might take my financial institution another 2-5 days to process things on their end.
Seems the world giveth and taketh away a lot lately.
Whatever. At least I moved the ball forward some. Sooner or later I will get my damned money and get Red Dead Redemption 2 for myself.
God damn, but that’s a stupid name.
The basic idea is that it’s an open-world FPS like Fallouts 3, 4, and New Vegas, but instead of a post apocalyptic sci fi setting, it’s a cowboy western setting.
Not my first choice of settings, but it still sounds pretty good to me. And it’s still better than yet another god damned rehashing of Tolkien.
Elves and magic and orcs, oh my!
Elves and magic and orcs, oh my!
Elves and magic and orcs, oh my!
Sooooo frigging sick of that shit. It’s not a dealbreaker for me – after all, I played the fuck out of Skyrim – but I vastly prefer a science fiction setting.
What can I say, I am a science fiction guy. I have always strongly preferred science fiction to fantasy. Science fiction explores fascinating ideas and shows possible futures and rewards the reader for really thinking about their world and their universe.
Fantasy is mostly just a lot of hobbit suffering and elf angst by comparison.
Call me weird, but I would rather play around with ideas myself.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.