First confession : I have been lollygagging on work for E and D.
I have had the assignment to add a personal history section and tighten up the phrasing etc. on the character profile work a week now and I have done very little work on it.
And other than being a bit sickly in general, I have no excuse. I’ve just been being self-indulgent and lazy and choosing to fuck around and play Skyrim and dodge the task.
Now it’s true that I was not given a deadline. If I had, I would have done it by now. I never ever miss a deadline, ever.
Heck, unlike some of my fellow writers, I love deadlines. Deadlines give me a goal and when I have a goal, I can organize my time according to the goal’s demands.
But when things are more nebulous, I have a harder time focusing.
Deadline or no, though, being lazy for like a week about it is unacceptable, and so I hereby swear I will get this shit done before the end of today.
Quite frankly, I am tired of putting up with my own bullshit on this and I want this phase of things to be over god dammit.
Relatedly, I asked about writing an episode and he said he didn’t want me to go to all that trouble for free and suggested I do one act and then outline the rest.
I’d rather just write the whole thing, to be honest. For me, that’s easier. And I am eager to work with the property directly both to show off my mad skillz and because I want to start developing the style and approach and whatnot with E and D,.
But that’s a hard thing to explain in a Facebook chat.
My other confession is that I haven’t showered in ten days.
See, when Joe’s shift shifted back to 3 pm to 11 pm, we stopped being able to get together in person via McD’s parking lot on Tuesdays and Fridays. Instead, we get together via Zoom, like the rest of the world.
But being about to go out was my trigger to go shower. No going out, I don’t have the usual prompt to shower.
So I was already down to one shower a week. Gross, I know.
But then, last Sunday, I ended up not going out then either. I was too sick and too tired to go out.
So I didn’t shower then, either. Hence it being ten days.
And I know this is wrong and gross and everything, so don’t bother telling me so.
All I can say is that if you knew how hard it was to get myself to a place where I showered right before leaving the house, every single time, you would understand how staying in has broken that fragile system.
So I need new prompts. My stopgap measure is to shower before we get together via Zoom even though I know I don’t “have” to.
But eventually, I will get to the point where I can motivate myself to take a shower just because I feel like taking one.
Depression is an ugly disease.
More after the break.
Until the crystal cracked
Well I didn’t shower yet, but I at least got the history part of the character profile done.
Only to have the ground shift beneath my feet again. I straight up asked E if I was writing a pitch document, the show bible, a writing exercise to show my skills, or what?
He said he definitely probably wants me to write short, snappy prose like I am writing a pitch document. This, after, I write a one page biography for the character.
This shit is wearing on my nerves, man.
I get the idea that what this project really needs is strong leadership, but seeing as they are not even sure they want me as their writing flunky yet, I am sure as heck not going to volunteer to lead them,
I’m pretty crafty though, especially when I am annoyed. I may yet figure out a way to get things moving without it seeming like I am taking over.
Because I’m not taking over. I don’t want to take over. I don’t want the producer job.
Not for free, that’s for fucking sure.
I just want thing to keep moving, and that requires someone to provide focus, coordination, and direction.
And all my little control issue demons are saying “It has to be you! You’re the only one who can do it! This project will never go anywhere without you as the spark plug!”.
To which I silently reply, “No! I don’t want to be in charge. Why can’t I just be an employee for once? Just do my job as instructed and that’s it”.
Because people are idiots wandering in the dark and need someone to herd, drive, and direct them, reply those damned voices.
That doesn’t mean it always has to be you. There have to be plenty of perfectly competent leaders, manages, and administrators out there. (Doesn’t there?:?).
But it seems to be my destiny to keep ending up in situations where I am the only one who sees the big picture and understands what has to happen to keep this big machine we’re all in humming along and maybe even going in the right direction.
And the wise part of me, as always, tells me that it is foolish to try to fight your destiny and that I would be far better off just surrendering to the inevitable and learning to like being in charges.
Then call me a fool, you supercilious prick, because I am going to keep on fighting it. I don’t want to end up being the boss, with all that commitment and responsibility.
So if I am ever to surrender to it, you will have to make a pretty ironclad argument that there really is no other way.
Because as long as there’s another way, I’ll take it.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow,.