Time to cudgel 500 words out of this tired old brain of mine.
It’s not going to be easy because I haven’t been awake for very long and I honestly would prefer to be in bed asleep right now anyhow.
Took my good ol’ sleeping pill this morning, knowing this would be the result. Lots of sleep on a sleepy day.
And for once, other than making writing a bit harder, it’s not really bothering me.
The sleep I have gotten has been pleasant enough, and I look forward to getting more of it in the future.
Skyrim, as always, can wait,.
The truth can kill
Let’s start this with my feelings about nostalgia.
Patient readers know that when I was a child, I saw adults thinking their childhoods were wonderful even when they were not, and I vowed to resist this madness and retain a crystal clear image of just how shitty my childhood was.
Like a lot of the ways in which I unknowingly sabotaged myself, it makes sense and seems logical but is, in fact, quite toxic.
Because what I realize now is that what I read as adults saying ” In retrospect, my childhood doesn’t seem so bad because I have forgotten just how bad it was to be a kid” was actually them saying “in retrospect, my childhood doesn’t seem so bad because I have processed the memories enough to make them less painful. ”
By vowing to keep things clear and fixed and “real” in my mind, I prevented my own processing of my memories into something easier to handle.
I would have been much better off “forgetting”.
And this is a big part of why I find myself endlessly rehashing my shitty childhood instead of moving on. Why I have to keep writing about it.
Writing about it and talking to my therapist about it are the only ways I know of to process the emotions, and they are very, very slow methods.
I would be far better off if I had the capacity for transformative transcendence that religion in its myriad form enables. It does so by providing a solid cognitive framework for the mind to act outside the limits of reason and objectivity in order to heal itself from psychological trauma and to otherwise see to its own emotional needs.
But dumb ol genius me is too “smart” for such “bullshit”. I’m Captain Fucking Objectivity with the power to see things far more clearly than others and see a bigger piece of the puzzle than everyone else! Thrill to my trenchant insights! Gasp in awe at my ability to see simple, effective solutions to complex and vexing problems! Fall to the ground in stupefied wonder as I blast through bullshit with my LASER BEAM EYES!
My only weakness is, you know, everything. Life. Coping. Drawing enough emotional nutrition from my environment to sustain myself.
Instead of thriving, I am barely surviving. I am a dying immortal getting weaker by the day, locked deep inside my icy cave in the core of a dead planet, wasting away without even the hope of death’s sweet release.
More after the break.
Obey your thirst!
I’ve been drinking a lot of water lately. Like, more than usual, and I usually drink a lot of water as a matter of course.
I’ve been drinking more because my body wants me to drink more. It tells me this by making me thirsty, then when I obey said thirst, it gives me all kind of happy feelings as if it is saying “yay! Way to go! We love this!”.
In my head, my body is represented by little anthropomorphic blood cells.
So essentially, I am now obeying my body when it asks for stuff. Which begs the question, why wasn’t I already doing that?
How did I get to the point where I ignored my body’s demands? Ignored them to the point where I was not even hearing them any more? Why did I feel like I could just ignore that shit like it was meaningless babble?
I mean, what kind of sick form of rationalism is that stupid?
Even at my most robotic, I should recognize that cravings and drives and such represent primary data that is invaluable in the proper maintenance and operation of a human body on Planet Earth.
Imagine running your car like that.
“Yes, I know my dash is flashing ‘no fuel’ but I have learned to ignore such random and irrational nonsense, instead choosing to believe that because I think there should be plenty of fuel left, there is, in fact, plenty of fuel left, and the car will start moving as soon as it stops being illogical and bows to my superior powers of reason. ”
Seems silly but that’s how absurd a lot of the excesses of the ego work if you take the time to put them into words.
“I am prepared to wait as long as it takes for the dead person to apologize to me personally BECAUSE REASON!”
Because our powers of reason can be just as irritational, over-emotional, and just plain stupid as the id, only it’s worse because they can stick a halo on it and make the dumber parts of the brain think they are being smart.
And the superego is just sitting on the sidelines, shaking its head.
So hell yeah I am drinking a ton of water lately. My body knows what it needs. And I will keep on flushing my system with lots of water until my body tells me to stop,.
Heck, that’s part of the primary therapy for lactic acidosis too. Plenty of fluids, both oral and IV, to flush the excess lactic acid out of your tissues.
And building on this, I am going to try to figure out what else my body is trying to tell me.
I truly wish we had the Star Trek medical beds already. Somewhere where you just lay down and let it scan you and it tells you absolutely everything about your health.
Being healthy would be so much easier with the right data!
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.