Well, I already feel crappy, so why not take this opportunity to do a deep dive into a difficult and thorny subject?

What can I say, I get a little mazzo^[1] when I am sick. Go ahead, bring the pain, give me some concrete suffering to replace this malaise for a while.

So here’s the question : do I have a choice on whether to behave the way I do?

Traditional Western culture says yes, of course I do. One of the bedrock assumptions of modern democratic culture is that we always have a choice in all moments and all situations, and we can therefore be held accountable for said choices.

Of course, it’s not that simple. Nobody would argue that when a mugger says “your money or your life”, it’s the exact same kind of choice as “want fries with that”.

And on the personal level, were I to fully accept that I currently have the ability to choose any of the millions of ways I could improve my lot in life right now, it would logically follow that I can and should be held accountable for all the things I have done (and not done) during my 25+ years of depression.

That would be a burden of guilt and culpability so massive that there is no way I could shoulder it without it shattering me utterly.

I am far too delicate and ill to handle something like that.

But disempowerment sucks too. If I was powerless to do any better at life before now, then I am still powerless to do anything better now.

Perhaps something has changed? Maybe I have the power now but didn’t have it then. Or maybe I will have both the power and the accountability some time in the future.

Or maybe this is all just another layer of madness wherein I torment myself because the anger has to go somewhere and if it can’t or doesn’t go out, it vents inward.

And that’s bad. But it’s what I am used to. I have so far been unable to imagine a morally acceptable way to vent my anger outward, despite knowing that is exactly what I need to do in order to increase the peace inside my skull, and so for the moment at least, the inner torment continues.

I wish I could just stick a tap in my head and drain all that anger away, and maybe give the damage that causes it a chance to heal.

But it’s not that easy. The only cure for emotions is to express them. That’s the only way to get rid of them and that means experiencing them on the way out.

Goddamn that sucks.

Maybe there is a way to harness anger and thereby turn it into something less destructive and thus way less scary to me.

Turning it into petty, grasping ambition seems like a potential lateral move. Still pretty destructive but a lot less likely to land me in jail.

I’m going to go out there and get everything I deserve! Everything that life has cruelly denied me will be mine no matter what it takes!

Yeah. That could work.

More after the break.

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A little fuzzy

Reality seems a bit fuzzier today. And not in the cute way.

I guess it’s a side effect of all the sleep I have been getting. At least it’s still fairly healthy type sleep and not the tortuous kind.

I still sort of resent how much of my life is spent sleeping these days, but to be honest, I probably need it, and there are worse problems to have.

Like getting regular root beer instead of diet with my A&W order. Grr.

I knew it was the wrong one the second I took a sip. The deadly sweetness of it made my head ring like a struck bell then moments later I felt a certain hot rush like I had just come out of a steam bath and I knew Something Was Up.

I’ve put in a complaint and accepted the automatic compensation offer. $4.20 in DoorDash credit isn’t a lot for something that might have killed me, but I do not feel like making a big deal of it right now.

Though I totally could. I feel pretty ill right now. Reminds me of when that ditz of a waitress gave me a regular sugary Coke at the White Spot at Richmond Centre.

That was a fun walk home.

Called up Doc Chao^[2] today and got an appointment, or rather, got reminded of an appointment. I suspected that I had already made one and my suspicions turned out to be correct. I have a phone appointment at 1 pm on Friday.

I suspect I have other appointments lurking out there too. I guess I should have gotten on top of that by now, but I have been sleeping so much that it’s very hard to gather enough of my wits together to do it.

More of that fuzzy thinking.

Oh, and my UPS packages from Amazon non-arrived today. Got the stupid “sorry you were out” notice telling me where to go to pick them up instead.

Yeah bullshit I was out. You’re not fooling me. You didn’t even try. Why bother when you can make the customer come to you instead?

So now I need Julian to drive me to some mini-mall to pick up my packages. At minimum, there should be a personal device and some sugar free mini York peppermint patties waiting for me.

Would be nice if the gifts for my friends I ordered a week before Xmas were waiting for me too. Guess I should see what’s up with those, too.

How come nothing ever just fucking works?

At some point, I will get an email from the office of the surgeon who will be patching up my hernia giving me the link to a video meeting with her.

Plus there is definitely something to do with my cataract surgery coming up. And an appointment with the dermatologist.

But all I want to do is sleep.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.