Or don’t. I’m not your mother.
Did therapy. Not a great session largely because I was pretty sleepy throughout.
Talked about how I am digging around inside myself looking for the primal spark that can get my id engine truly running.
Because I’m alive, god damn it, and I’m truly sick and tired of feeling like one of the walking dead. I want to FEEL alive for a change, and maybe even find some kind of hope, even if it’s only in the form of sheer stubborn defiance.
Fuck you, ya crummy old world. I’m going to live despite your best efforts.
Eh, who am I kidding. Life’s never cared about me enough to oppress me,
We also discussed how hard it is for me to believe that people can help me. My experience is that even those few who like me enough to put actual time and effort into trying to help me can’t handle the strain of my pain and thus my burdens go unshared.
I am and always have been completely alone in my struggles.
And I am and always have been woefully inadequate to the task. I never had a chance to get strong,. Far too much of a burden was placed on me and me alone from the very beginning, and it crushed me and I stayed crushed.
When that happens, all you can do is retreat into your own mind, far away from that big bad world that I can’t handle and that therefore baffles and terrifies me. Instead, I live in a world of intellect and imagination where my only contact with reality is through the safely sterilized path of media consumption.
Mostly video games. But also other internet stuff.
And, of course, this beloved blog of mine (pat pat).
Crushed under a rock like I have been, it’s amazing that I learned to just keep trudging onward no matter what.
Then again, I suppose I had no choice. If I had truly been totally crushed by my excessive burdens, I would have stop functioning at school, and that would have attracted attention to me, and I wasn’t allowed to do that.
After all, I didn’t want to get into trouble for reminding people I exist.
So really, silently marching onwards regardless of how much pain I was in was just a way to maximize my non-existence.
Wish I had thought of just refusing to do any school work as a way to force the system to pay attention to me, like faithful reader and natural source of fabulousness Felicity did. That might have helped.
But I probably would not have had the courage to do it anyhow.
After all, that would have attracted attention to me,
Telling your kid not to draw attention to themselves and essentially raising them to be ashamed to be alive – to hate their own existence as much as you do – is such a brutally fucked up thing to do to a poor innocent kid,
You deserved so much better, Little Me.
What happened to you was a crime,
More after the break,
Strange sense of time
Just had another of my temporal dislocations.
God, I am not sure I can even explain it. Perhaps it’s too soon. Suffice it to say that I got my AM and PM crossed, thought it was tomorrow when it was today, and now I feel rather brutally disoriented and have suffered a sprain of the brain as a result.
My lord am I sick of this bullshit.
Is it not enough that I hate myself sometimes and that I feel like I am floating helplessly in a pool of anesthetic with no way to generate momentum basically all the time?
Isn’t this endless diffraction and paralysis and watching my doom approach me like an oncoming train and I am tied to the tracks enough?
Ain’t it enough that here I am, brain the size of a planet, the wizard-king of Mount Oblivion, with all this power at my command but without the will, fortitude, wherewithal, and courage to use it?
Isn’t it enough that I am terrified of myself?
Apparently not, because the universe has dictated that I also need to have my entire sense of reality trashed now and then to keep me from developing any trust in the universe and my place in it at all.
Right now, I am angry and scared. Angry at the cosmic injustice of it all, and scared because I don’t even know what is real any more.
Now that I have had some time to cool off a bit, I think I know what happened. Somehow, at some point, my mind blew a fuse and I skipped forward in subjective time to tomorrow morning.
Thus my AM/PM flip.
I remember looking at the clock and thinking, “oh shit, I have my 10:30 am phone appointment with Doctor Chao in an hour and a half, I better get some sleep.”
So it must have happened before 9 pm.
And I am pretty sure when I had supper, I thought it was breakfast. Which would explain why there’s water and not diet cola in my glass.
So this dislocation probably happened before 8 pm, which is when I tend to have supper. This raises the ugly possibility that it happened while I was awake.
Yes, I can recall it reaching 8 and feeling sleepy but telling myself that I wasn’t going to sleep instead of eating again. I did that this AM and it had the predictable result of my waking up with low blood sugar and crazed with hunger.
I bet that’s when my sense of time started falling apart. I ate “breakfast” at around 10:30 am, and that threw my whole day off.
You know, I always knew I would be using all my detective skills just to figure out what the fuck happened some day.
It’s just so… me. So perfectly on brand.
Oh well. At least I am on sync now.
Or at least I hope I am.
Honestly, I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep till things make sense again.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow(?).