But first, this headline.
Part-Time Assistant Cook Suffers From Impostor Syndrome
Chuck McChuck, a part-time assistant fry cook at a local Wendy’s, claims that he has been living a lie and that he is “not the marginally competent low-level employee everyone thinks he is”.
“I’ve got everyone fooled. ” he said, his voice raw with shame as he contemplated the tab on his can of generic beer. “They all think I’m this amazing guy who can chop onions and fry bacon, but I’m not. “
The home front isn’t much better. “I’ve got my ex-wife and three baby mamas convinced that I am this irresponsible loser who ducks his responsibilities and only pays child support when a sheriff has a gun to my head…. but it’s nothing but a tissue of lies!”.
“There’s no way I can keep this up. ” he added. “Sooner or later, this is all going to come crashing down, and to be honest, part of me is looking forward to it. ”
“At least it will finally be over. ” he added.
Now, back to Big Baby Brain
You know, like this :
Okay, not really.
I’m just going to bang on about my being an emotional infant some more.
I’ve had the image in my head of myself as a big brain in diapers for a long time. I think that, on some level, I have known about my own infantile tendencies for a long time.
But knowing it subconsciously and facing it consciously are entirely different things. I am glad that I have come this far and faced this truth as I now feel like I have a better idea of what I need to do in order to grow up than I have ever had before.
I have to give up being pathetic. I have to believe that I can make it on my own. I have to start taking ownership of my life and my destiny, as hard as that will be.
And it will be very, very hard. I am talking about changing my fundamental approach to life here. I feel like I have to grow an entirely new spine now, and develop my power in a sense that goes way, way beyond this intellectual playpen of mine.
It’s about as big a personal change as I can imagine.
But I know I can do it. In fact, now that I have seen past the edge of my universe, it’s inevitable. Spiritual growth is an undeniable imperative for me.
Might seem like a strange statement from a 47 year old infant, but it’s true. I lost my way for a very long time because I didn’t – couldn’t – face the truth about what the real problem in my soul was.
I mean, who wants to admit to themselves that they are as emotionally underdeveloped as they are intellectually overdeveloped? That they are the world’s smartest infant?
I want to give up being helpless.
I want to throw away my attempts to attract nurturing.
I want to stand up on my own instead of leaning on others all the time.
I want to face the world on my own, as a real person, as strong and independent and worthy and respected as a member of the community as anyone else.
I want to stop being a burden and contribute instead.
I want to be proud of myself instead of always cringing in shame and apologizing to the world for my very existence.
I want to live a normal, decent, respectable life that I can celebrate and be proud of.
I want to finally grow up and be an adult.
And that’s really gonna hurt.
More after the break.
Struggling for rebirth
The changes I need to make in order to grow the hell up already are so profound that, ironically, it’s like I have to be reborn anew in order to get over being such a baby.
Guess I didn’t get it quite right the first time,
Maybe this time I’ll be wanted.
It’s not that big of a surprise, really. I have a long history of starting over where others would work to fix the issue in video games.
Hard to describe why I do that. The short, unhelpful, question-begging answer would be “because it’s easier”.
Really? It’s easier to hit reset and do everything you did to get to that point than to figure out how to extricate yourself from the spot you’re stuck in? That makes no sense.
Well, when you put it that way, yeah it makes no sense. But to me, it does. My mind is very fast and maneuverable and extremely agile, but it lacks a reverse gear.
So it’s very very hard to make it go backwards. It really resists it. So it’s quite possible that it is literally easier for me to start over than it is to force my brain to back out of a tight spot and take another route.
Sadly, that’s not really an option with life.
Hence my secret (ish) wish to just cash my cheque and take off in a random direction and wander the world till I find a nice people with good people and good vibes where nobody knows me and I can start all over again.
That’s the closest thing to a hard reset life has unless you believe in reincarnation.
And I can imagine someone saying, “But what could you possibly accomplish by doing that which would not be more easily accomplished by fixing the life you have?”.
Oh, for one, I would lose all unwanted contexts. I would be free to start over without a whole lot of history dragging me down. I could build a brand new version of myself from the ground up and do a way better job this time.
Make a version of me based on what I know about myself now. A cleaner, smarter, stronger, more efficient me, without the bloated anchor of the past dragging me down.
But I am actually both too lazy and too responsible to do it. I could never do something so cruel to my friends. Disappearing is one of the worst things you can do to people because it’s all the pain of grieving without the closure of death.
Instead people are left to just wonder and worry and it gnaws away at them, day after day, year after year.
No, I could never do that to the friends who have been so kind and patient with me. I will have to find better, less dramatic solutions to my problems.
But I will still think about it from time to time.
Knowing the cat would eat it doesn’t keep the caged bird from looking out the window.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.