Today was Therapy Thursday.
Not as good a session as last week’s. I was sleepier and had less to say. Putting my thoughts together was much harder. So I more or less just reported recent progress.
Nothing wrong with that, per se. But I didn’t do a lot of digging. So it paled in comparison to the previous week.
Oh well, better luck next time. They can’t all be gems.
One of the things I ended up talking about was something I have discussed here before : my plan to spend some time outside in order to get away from the computer and experience real life and my environment for a change.
You may recall that the point of that is to make my world (as represented by my senses) more stable and real and less virtual and unstable.
Living inside your mind and imagination like I have been doing by spending most of my waking hours in front of this here computer of mine is, as it turns out, bad.
Like, really really bad.
Because it’s so unstable. The world inside my mind can radically change with a single thought. The ground that I stand on is constantly shifting as I process thoughts, ideas, emotions, and so on.
It is not a safe or happy place. It just seems that way because I am used to it.
So the plan is to wait until the weather is nice and then make my slow and gentle way to tiny little park-type area that is part of our apartment building and sit on one of the old fashioned wrought iron benches there. Maybe bring a book. Maybe not.
And then just watch the world go by as I open my mind to my environment and let my mind find equilibrium with it.
As I have said before, it’s something I used to do on the way home from VFS without understanding why, but knowing it always made me feel a whole lot better.
Now I get it. And it also explains why I felt so good after having walked outside alone in the past. It makes my world so much more real.
And surprisingly enough, that’s a good thing. Very good.
So I am choosing to see it as a way of nourishing myself on a spiritual level, a need I have ignored for most my life.
Turns out that soul starvation, like regular starvation, is something you can do something about. Go fig.
Hungry? Try eating!
Hopefully, executing this plan will stabilize my inner world and strengthen my ties to reality and relieve me of some or all of the feeling of always walking tightrope over the abyss of total insanity.
I mean, no wonder I’m not keen on taking risks. People on tightropes tend to be averse to anything that might rock their boat.
Yeah, that’s a mixed metaphor. Figure it out.
Turns out, what I have really needed all this time is more reality in my diet.
I’m as surprised as you are.
More after the break.
Pour it out
I also talked with Doctor Costin about my newfound resolves to express whatever the hell it is I am feeling and thus avoid retaining it.
No emotions are all that bad if they are expressed, not suppressed, and so on.
And right now, I feel crappy. Just got up from a nap and the moment I was vertical I have felt dizzy and nauseous and disoriented.
AKA The Three Horsemen of the Frupocalypse.
This too shall pass, of course. I probably just need to cajole my sinuses into draining, and that’s usually just a matter of cleaning my nose and my ears.
All that fluid has to go somewhere, after all.
Once more, I wish my upper perinasal sinuses had some kind of emergency release button so that when I get stuffed up like this, I could just press a button and everything would be flushed out.
While over a sink, naturally. Otherwise, ick.
But it’s not that big a deal to clear the gunk from my ears, I suppose. And it’s definitely wonderful to know that is what the root cause of the problem is most of the time.
Life was ever so much worse before I know how to nip this sinus pressure BS in the bud. Back then, I suffered in ignorance, with no idea why I felt so bad sometimes.
Turns out it’s a nose that never quite stops running and sinuses that tend to get stuffed up as a result.
I suppose I should tell my GP about the runny nose thing. I am pretty sure that’s not normal. And there might be a way to stop it, for all that I know.
I know my mother once told me that her father, my Pepe (pronounce pay-pay), had terrible sinus issues until he got an operation to fix it.
Perhaps I inherited his issues. I am pretty sure she said the operation fixed his “malformed” sinuses that didn’t drain properly.
That sounds familiar.
There they go, relief at last. Now that terrible pressure that makes it feel like my eyes are going to pop out of my skull (if my forehead doesn’t explode first) is gone.
I’ll have to keep an eye on the situation for a while.
The worst part is that I am pretty sure that the pressure puts the squeeze on the frontal lobe of my brain. And that’s probably not good.
It would explain the level of dizziness and the sick feeling I get from it.
Then again, the real culprit there might be my ear canals being full of fluid and that throwing off my inner ear.
That would be preferable to my other theory and the image it puts in my mind of my poor forebrain being kneaded like a lump of dough over time.
Probably should not think about that too much.
Well there you have it. I expressed what I was feeling. Mission accomplished.
I never said it was going to be interesting.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.