Been catching up on sleep today.
I’d reverted to my malfunctional default mode of not being able to stay asleep for more than 90 minutes or so, and even then, the sleep was fairly shallow and poor quality.
And I could feel that telltale brightness growing in my mind. That bright blank space that displaces real thought and makes me increasingly tense even though I am technically alert and awake.
But it’s a bad kind of alert. A too much caffeine and not enough sleep kind of alert.
Now excuse me while I take a long deep drink of my diet cola.
You know, it just occurred to me how weird it is to think I need drugs just to be able to sleep more than 90 minutes. Kind of suggests there is something deeply wrong with me on a deep level.
Well there’s the sleep apnea. But I think that’s a separate issue.
I assume I need chemical assistance because of all the shit going on in my head all the time. My mind is always full of cognitive fireworks and there’s always an enormous number of background processed grinding away and things being created as other things are dismantled and information being reduced to its essence in great bubbling cauldrons like the kind they use to pour molten steel and always the endless grinding, and who the hell can sleep in a place like that?
That might be a bit of an exaggeration but you get the idea.
My point is that I have a hyperactive mind that is always overstimulated and as full of lights and noise as a busy arcade, and I figure that’s why I suck at sleep.
Anyhow, so I realized things had gone out of whack and I was now operating on emergency whack supplies entirely, so I knew it was time to take one of my chemicals, melt the ice that forms in my mind on these occasions, and get some freaking sleep.
So I took an alprazolam before going to bed at around 2:30 am, and it worked like a charm. Slept soundly till 6:30 am, got up to eat, went back to sleep at like 7:15 am, and minus one pee break, slept till 2:30 pm or so.
And I look forward to going back to sleep when I am done eating and blogging. I am perfectly willing to sleep however long it takes to get caught up.
It’s not like I was going to do anything important anyhow.
Kind of sad when sleeping is a lot more productive than what you usually do.
So far it’s been good sleep. Peaceful, relaxing, not waking up super groggy and disoriented and miserable. That might change but for now, I am grateful for whatever little island of peace I can find in the storm wracked seas of my mind.
I don’t care if I sleep for days. I probably should. I have been putting off taking a sleepy pill for way too long so my need is probably dire.
And sleep deprivation makes everything worse. Even when it’s my usual kind which has no obvious conscious effect.
And now, to return to the land of Nod and get another dose of dreaming.
More after the break.
Exciting adventures in sleep, part 2
Got some more sleep in the afternoon. Feeling better. Calmer, less drained, sharper.
Probably will sleep more after this blogging session. But whatever.
I’ve decided that my attitude for now is that I am open to sleep. I’m not asking for it nor will I try to force it, but I won’t fight it either.
I’ll just leave the door open for it, and it can come and go as it pleases.
Meanwhile, I am doing my best to imprint how much better I feel now onto my brain and set it up as something I want to get and keep.
It’s not motivation per se, but it’s a place where motivation can grow.
Giving a 7-11 Personal Pepperoni Pizza (PPP) a try. It’s okay, I guess, but not great. I’d rather be eating a Personal Pan Pizza (PPP) from Pizza Hut.
I mean, the 7-11 PPP basically tastes like the frozen pizza you would buy at the supermarket. Higher quality than those Pillsbury dough pucks, but with that same subtle something wrong with the sauce that puts me off.
Must be something to do with make a tomato based sauce you can freeze. Or something. Because I don’t like pizza pops either.
Then again, I’ve never liked various Chef-boy-ar-dee products either. Again, they don’t taste totally gross to be, there’s just something… off about the flavour.
And yet, the same global megacorps make pasta sauces like Prego and Classico and I like those quite a lot.
I wonder what the difference is?
I was especially disappointed when I finally tried Pizza Pops when I lived in the USA. They were heavily advertised on all the cartoons I watched as a kid and they always seemed so fun and cool in the ads but when I finally tried one I was like… eww.
Sometimes I hate having somewhat non-standard taste buds. I want to enjoy things like cheesecake and blueberries and pizza pops with everyone else, but they are completely disgusting to me.
I can’t think of any at the moment, but I am sure there must be weird foods I like that most other people do not.
At least, if there’s any justice in the universe, that would be true.
Only thing that comes to mind is when I was a wee sprog and went for fluoride treatment for the first time. They had the regular old treatment that most kids loathed and the new ones that had flavours like strawberry, cherry, and banana,
I liked the old school flavour. To me, it was a little sour, but in a refreshing way, like a kosher dill fresh from the fridge.
The new flavours were vile. Waaaaay too sweet and too strong. I gag a little just thinking about that goddamned cherry one.
The ladies at the health center who administered the treatments were, of course, beyond amused by the weird little kid who liked the old stuff.
Sadly, after that, they unsurprisingly phased out the old stuff and I had to make peace with the new flavours.
The banana wasn’t too bad. So that was my choice from then on.
So basically I was a weird kid from the very beginning. I’ve said it in jest but the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s true :
There was never any possibility of me being normal.
The best I could have hoped for was a healthier kind of weird.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.