Been having a very sleepy day. I think it’s because I started using my fan when I sleep again and that really helped. So now I am catching up on that sleep debt.
So I am feeling pretty brain fried right now. No wonder I have a tendency to put off taking my sleeping pill even when I know I should. I know that the path back to wakefulness is going to involve a lot of this muzzy headed bullshit.
Dunno if I will make it to th 500 word line this sesh. Caffeine, work your miracle!
Definitely having a hard time focusing. My mind keeps wandering off like a toddler chasing a butterfly and so I keep having to corral it and drag it back to the keyboard.
The words, they no come easy right now.
I probably have more forgives to do. Still feel all that guilt hanging off me, not letting go, just dangling off me all cold and gooey and heavy like half-frozen treacle.
It will drop off eventually, I am sure, when I have cut off enough senseless guilt and shame that the remaining connection to it can’t support its weight.
Or at least that’s what makes sense metaphorically, and that’s good enough for me.
Been pondering the notion of looking forward to things. One thing about the very flat affect of my largely unchanging life is that it doesn’t give me much to look forward to.
Or dread, for that matter.
But looking forward has never been my strong suit. Ironically, between fear of the future and my past being either a minefield or exactly like the present, I tend to stay in the present just like all the mystic masters say I should.
Gee, that must mean I am enlightened, right? Except no, because then I would be at one with the universe and beyond all the petty strictures of the counting and dividing mind and in tune with the heartbeat of the universe.
And I’m not. I’ve checked. Twice.
Things to look forward to are definitely good for my mental health, though. They erk me up and make me feel better about life and excited about the future.
It’s so hard to set them up for myself, though. The only way I can imagine doing it is to buy stuff from Amazon or wherever, then wait with bated breath for it to arrive.
Which is sort of sad, but it would work.
Of course, that takes money, which is a problem, and smacks of depressive spending, which is far worse.
Spending money to make yourself feel better leads to feeling terrible about the money you have spent which leads to even more spending to make you feel better which leads to feeling even worse which leads to….
It’s just another dead end addiction, only this one can spiral out of control faster than any drug or lifestyle addiction.
You can cripple yourself with bone-crushing debt in the space of a long weekend if you really go nuts.
So I ain’t going there. I’d be better off doing drugs.
More after the break.
Dig down and find faith
Got this stuck in my head right now :
Believe me, Less Douchey Bono, I am trying.
Throwing off the limitations of false reason is a good start. I am – and life is – so much larger and stronger and more vital and alive than the pitiful products of reason’s underpowered understanding can contain.
Life on Planet Earth is so much more than mere facts.
And humanity cannot live on the truth alone.
So I have started on the journey but I haven’t gotten too far yet. I still have trouble understanding the worth of faith even as I recognize its desirability.
My legacy fact based system has not yet been fully replaced by something far more modern and robust, and so I still have a lot of trouble imagining something having worth when I cannot scan, analyze, and verify with my high powered supercomputer brain.
A priori truth – things that are taken as true without the need for verification or evidence, basely purely on imagination and will – is still a very hard thing for me to wrap my head around. I keep wanting to reject it.
But I am a humble student willing to wait for illumination. I might be quite arrogant about my powers of reason but I know that when it comes to spirituality I am not even an acolyte and will supplicate to any from whom I feel I can learn.
Admittedly, my standards for that role might be pretty high. But again, humility. Someone does not need to be smarter than me to be wiser than me, or even to have some insight into things I lack.
Even the dullest people know things you do not, and have a perspective you can learn from if you take the time to listen.
Of course, I am not going to find my sensei if i don’t start going out into the world and looking, and that will mean overcoming all my bitterness about never having had any guidance in my life because I was always smarter than everyone around me and nobody in my childhood could handle even the tiniest percent of my true power.
Even my therapist can barely handle a third of my output. If I was to truly open up like you are supposed to do with him, I’d shatter the poor man.
I know this because the times when I have tried upping my intensity just a little, he had sounded like he was on the edge of hysteria.
I pack a hell of a lot of raw energy in my seemingly peaceful and gentle personality. But it’s all parkland over a power plant, folks. A well landscaped reactor pile.
At my core lies a billion screaming megavolts of churning, burning, yearning insanity.
And one day, it might just go critical.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.