Let’s talk about the gaping hole in the middle of my soul.

It’s been there for as long as I can remember. It is presumably the ragged toothed edge of the wound left by my rape. That brutal violation of my being ripped a huge hunk of flesh from the very center of my self and it has never healed.

Perhaps it never will.

My problems flow from there. When I contemplate doing the sort of things that would enable my escape from this prison of ice and stone and that icy cold ghost rises up to stop me, that’s the force of my own coping mechanisms kicking in and stopping me from doing something that will cause me pain from my main wound.

This strikes me as a valuable insight. Go me.

All this coldness inside me is simply the active mechanism of the retreat into the nice cool world of my mind I did to escape my rape.

That was a very expensive trip. Cut me off from the rest of the world emotionally, for one. All my isolated loneliness came from that costly retreat.

Yeah, my school and my family both failed me and left me broken and isolated and so very very abandoned and alone, but I have often wondered if it would even have been possible for anyone to reach me.

This merciless mechanism of mine shuts down anything which might activate the wound, and that includes human connection.

This explains why none of the kids who tried to befriend me when I was a kid succeeded. Loneliness led me to let them try, but once my initial enthusiasm faded, the Cold Reaper manifested to shut that warm shit down ASAP. ^[1]

Nothing must wake the Giant Within.

I can feel it so clearly right now. All these hot, painful tendrils of traumatized emotion leading back to the initial trauma that shattered by four year old soul.

It’s a wonder I am as functional as I am, given the size of the wound I have been carrying around for 43 years.

I hereby congratulate myself on not ending up in prison for heinous crimes committed in a vain attempt to silence the shrieking demons that roost in my skull.

Way to go, me. You’re one heck of a guy.

I don’t know how one goes about healing a wound so old Different Strokes was on the air when it happened. Probably not the sort of thing one can figure out. My powerful mind is worse than useless in cases like these.

It actively gets in the way.

But it feels good to have gotten one level closer to the heart of the problem. I feel like the issue is now laid bare, and perhaps now the healing power of sunshine and fresh air can get to it and start making me whole again.

I want to live again. It’s been so long, Master. Please let me live again.

More after the break.

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Getting out of neutral

Well it’s a quarter after eight in the evening and I am here in front of Mister Computer instead of out doing McD’s with Le Gang because I am not feeling too good.

I feel very tired and yet also tense. This makes sense because the frequent need to urinate has been messing with my sleep and making me all dozy and out of sync.

So part of me wants to sleep for a year and part of me wants to run screaming into the night stark naked and foaming at the mouth.

So, par for the course, really.

Looked up the symptoms of a bladder stone or stones today. I have almost all of them. No blood in urine yet, thank goodness. And my abdominal pain only happens while I am peeing and for a short time after.

But the rest, yup. Totally convinced I have one or more bladder stones now. Which, like I said before, means these antibiotics aren’t going to do shit for my condition.

Should have made an appointment with Doctor Chao today. Dammit. I will have to do it on Monday. This shit always comes up on Fridays, dammit.

Speaking of appointments, I am still trying to cancel or reschedule my eye measurement appointment for next Wednesday.

Amazingly, the document I have for the procedure does not include the lab’s phone number. Or rather, it does…. along with the numbers for three other things in the same section of VGH.

And of course, none of them are labeled “eye measurement place”.

I left a message on the voicemail of the place marked Artificial Eye Lab. Seemed like the most likely one. I mean, to make an artificial eye, you’d need to take some pretty precise measurements of the originals, right?

It’s important that we get this sorted ASAP because if those measurements don’t happen then my cataract surgery on April 26 can’t happen, and I am really looking forward to it.

Could be quite life changing to be able to see almost twice as well.

Mostly, I look forward to being able to see without squinting so much, and the resulting decrease in eye strain and eye strain headaches.

Right now, my problem is neutral appetite. I really need to eat. But I really don’t want to eat. Nothing I can think of sounds good to me.

Even the thought of foods I love like beef spaghetti and watermelon can barely get more than a strained “Meh. ” from my appetite.

Nothing for it but to go put together some kind of meal and hope to be able to make myself eat some of it. Never a fun thing to have to do.

I could just skip supper. It’s a tempting thought.

But a very stupid one. I’d surely regret it. Skipping meals is dumb.

I still do it every once in a while, though.

Sometimes you just can’t make yourself do the smart thing.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.