Depression has a lot of ways to kill you.
It doesn’t have to put your head on those railroad tracks.
It can just keep you from getting out of the way.
Feeling better today. Still not out of the woods but the forest’s thinning and I am pretty sure I hear cowbells in the distance.
Still struggling with food. Well, the infection is still there in my bladder, so that’s probably throwing things off a fair bit. Took the second of ten antibiotic pills today.
It’s Auro-Cefixime, for the record. Auro being the manufacturer, I assume. So Cefixime.
I think I had it before. Wiki doesn’t list any alarming or exotic side effects. Just the usual stuff. Dizziness, headache, nausea, spontaneous manifestation of ancient spirits, the transmutation of flesh beyond the rational limits of the material plane, rash.
I was right. That WAS fun to write. I need to do more wacky writing in the future.
But I have to overcome this terrifying inner paralysis first. This icicle dagger thrust into the core of my heart has to come out and that’s hardly a linear process.
I have so much energy and talent to contribute to the world. And to myself. I deserve to be out there earning a living and yet when I try to point myself in that direction, the killer frost rises and kills the drive while also punishing it.
It makes me feel downright haunted. Like somewhere in my soul lives an ice spirit who is sucking my life force away as soon as it is generated. And the greedy thing only leaves enough for me to eke out my current bare subsistence.
I mean really. This is no way to live. Sitting all day in my filthy room in front of the computer, self-medicating with video games and falling apart at the seams while life passes me by at a supersonic speed.
I deserve to be out there with the rest of the kids, earning cash, doing something meaningful with my life, and proving my worth to the world.
But this goddamned mental illness holds me back. And like I’ve said many times before, I wish I could be all mellow and Zen about it and say that whatever may come will come and I will just concentrate on living in the moment and all that bullshit.
But I am simply not built that way. I have a deep restlessness that demands action regardless of whether action is possible, and being between it and the immovable object that is my depression is torture.
Like I am constantly having the life squeezed out of me. Like I am pinned down in the heart of an invisible inferno and it makes me want to scream the sky black. Like everything I do is just another way to cope with the pain of the flames.
I’m so sick of this shit. I want out. Open the castle gates, I’m coming out.
But the gates are already open.
I can walk out any time I like.
I just…. can’t make myself do it.
More after the break.
No real difference
I suppose there’s no real difference between being chained to the ground and being “free” but unable to move.
The second has a soupcon more bitter irony, I suppose.
Today has been trying. I go from fairly okay to various levels of dishability without warning. The only patterns are that eating is probably going to make it worse and laying down for a while will eventually make it better.
Tonight’s Malady du Jour (well, Nuit, technically) was dizziness. I was in the shower getting ready to go out when I starting to feel dizzy and heavy.
And I might have begged off of our usual Tuesday night McDonalds run. But I was feeling cranky and stubborn. Besides, this was my one chance to pick up the stuff my order from Sav-On missed.
Still not sure what went wrong this time. Somehow two of the three packages of cookies I thought I ordered never made it to the actual order.
So either I hallucinated ordering them (entirely possibly with my current level of mental degradation) or something very odd happened in the digital gizzards of their website.
Digital gizzards. I slay me,
So I sort of staggered and reeled through Sav-On to get my stuff. Two packages of cookies and a 2L of Fresca and another of Sprite Zero… type… stuff.
See, Sprite appears to be fucking with me, because sometimes it’s called Sprite Zero (as God intended) and sometimes it’s called Sprite (zero sugar).
And like, why? Are they the same thing, or what? If so, why have two names? If not, why have two products that occupy the same niche?
What is with this madness?
This is the sort of thing that keeps weirdos like me up nights.
7up never dicked me around like this.
Anyhow, I managed to make it through the shopping experience and the paying experience and then went to use the ATM only to find some morons had put displays up all around it, boxing it in.
Great. Because what I need most right now is to make shit trickier.
Joe moved one of the displays and I wedged in there and got my transaction on, but then when I went to unwedge myself the heels of my sneaks hit some pallet and down I went directly onto my coccyx.
Which seemed to absorb the blow. My tailbone is a little sore now, but otherwise I appear to be undamaged, which is a blessing.
There are so many ways that could have been so much worse.
I trashed the display I bumped into, and feel no shame for it. It’s their damned fault for crowding the goddamned ATM.
Some of us still use cash, ya know!
Now I am home and I feel…. rough. Sort of sore and bruised inside. What I need now is to lay down in the dark for a while and recharge.
So I will.
And I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.