As opposed to “be here now”.
But you already knew that.
Well, that was quick! Got a call from the Super Spine Team at VGH this afternoon and as a result I now have an appointment to see them at 9 am this Friday, the 22 of July.
This is especially pleasing because Doctor Lee told me that it would probably be a few months before I heard from them.
Well, if you have to err, best to do it in such a way that finding out you were wrong is a GOOD thing, right?
I mean, that’s way better than her telling me I’ll hear from them this Friday and it taking months instead. right?
So I am looking forward to THAT.
Finally! Real fucking progress! And all it took was bypassing Doctor Chao entirely!
Funny how that worked out.
On to the actual topic : how scared I have always been to be entirely in the moment like the mystics and pop psychologists all say we should all do.
Nope. Not going to happen, at least without heaps more spiritual growth. The very idea scares me on a very deep, almost animal level.
But why? It doesn’t seem like an inherently threatening thing. So why the primal fear?
I think I use a form of detachment from the real and the now as a very basic defense mechanism. It’s like my shield against the demanding, immediate, overstimulating world that, if left to its own devices, would never give me time to THINK.
So I live always at least slightly out of phase with the here and now. Always off in my own little world even when it seems like I am paying attention to the current moment.
And I am. But only as much as I absolutely need to be.
The rest of me is still resting comfortably in my hermetically sealed time base somewhere in the void between dimensions.
It’s not that people never get to know the real me. Everything you see is real. I fake nothing ever. I am who you see.
But it’s not the whole picture.
No wonder I am drawn to the idea of extra-dimensional creatures interacting with our dimension via projecting a part of themselves that looks and acts human into our plane.
I identify with that! That’s me!
What an odd and esoteric little critter I am.
So um….. arf? *wagwagwag*
So this whole “mindfulness” kick the spiritual-ish world has been on for decades now just leaves me cold.
I am not saying I disagree. It seems like very wise advice that no doubt works for many.
But um, I ain’t like that. I am my own haphazard creation, messy but magnificent, and due to severe childhood trauma and social damage from bullying and isolation. I am not really compatible with most of the solutions that work for others.
I have a lot of rage, bitterness, and toxic ennui lurking just below the surface of my psyche and I have no idea how to express it in a way I would find acceptable so it just stays there, seething and roiling and keeping me from getting anywhere.
I like the idea of tapping into the energy of those suppressed emotions and using that to move myself out of these goddamned doldrums.
But I am too scared to try.
More after the break.
Learning to fly
But I ain’t got wings.
I miss him so much.
Some artists are so good at connecting with their audience on an emotional level that they feel like friends.
Members of the family, even.
Of course, that song is not to be confused with this one :
(WARNING : Video is very pretentious.)
Anyhow, that subject line came to mind because of all of my talk of the baby birdies who don’t learn to fly on the first try.
That, and the problems I am having getting around.
The trip to the car for Denny’s last night was very hard. I made it worse by not sittijng down to look for something and so blowing a big wad of leg mojo on just standing there.
D’oh! Lesson learned, hopefully.
Learning things the hard way sucks but never learning at all sucks far worse.
Anyhow, I am starting to feel like I need to learn how to fly as my poor feeble legs become increasingly vestigial.
Actually, I would rather just learn to levitate. Wings are so bulky.
Here in the real world, that means I need to try out that walker Joe bought. Which means he has to put it together for me. That was the deal.
Like I said before, my opinion of the prospects of it being a viable mobility solution, but Joe was kind and thoughtful enough to buy it for me, so I feel like I must do my absolute best to give it a sincere and focused try.
As opposed to trying it for two seconds, encountering one problem, then totally giving up and declaring it won’t ever work and never trying it again.
That’s basically what I did with the cane he bought me. Sure, my first attempt to use it to stand was a disaster, with my hand wobbling all over due to lack of muscle tone.
But as far as I know , if I had simply stuck with it, I might have gotten the hang of it.
And it’s one thing to give up on yourself but the equation has to change when other people are now part of it and will be disappointed, confused, and/or upset when you try the thing they really want to see you using and you just give up right away like their hopes for you don’t mean a god damned thing to you.
I am speaking primarily to myself. of course.
So this time I will try, try, try. I want them to see me succeed at least as much as they do, and I owe them the best effort I can give to make that happen.
I am so sorry, Joe.
I promise to do better in the future.
Amen and pass the gabapentin.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.