This blog was just spewing out errors – something about not being able to contact a database^[1] – and that has put me on Fuckery Alert.

Only Stage One : Beware, of course. Something else would have to mysteriously go wrong out of nowhere for me to advance it to Stage Two : The Fuckery Is Afoot.

That’s when I know the universe has decided to fuck with me again and I enter an advanced stage of paranoia while waiting for the third shoe to drop.

Note : for the purposes of that metaphor, people have three feet.

This heightened paranoia doesn’t really help prevent the next attack of fuckery, if there is one. It can’t, because the fuckery, by its very nature, is always somethin that blindsides me with something I never could have anticipated or prepared for.

But it makes me feel a little better knowing that I am at least on to what the universe is up to and I am watching it.

You can’t fool me! I know you put well curated chaos into my life in order to try to teach me to handle the unexpected and respond intelligently to it so I can build up my confidence in my ability to handle things and not feel so god damned vulnerable all the god damned time.

Unrelatedly, there is no such person as the Universe and to think some entity out there is manipulating fate just to teach you a lesson is nothing but pure anthropomorphism and quite frankly reeks of narcissism or at the very least a profound self-centeredness.

Now where was I? Oh right, how the universe fucks with me.

But that’s the thing about anthropomorphism – even someone as aware of it as I am and who has tried to eliminate it from his mind can’t help but do it.

We automatically relate to everything as if it is a person, with consciousness and capable of free will, and that goes for everything from the entire cosmos to this stupid suitcase that WILL NOT STAY CLOSED!

In fact, all of religion, from the animism of the shaman to the Jesus of the megachurch, can be seen as an expression of this anthropomorphism. Because of it, we are convinced that there has to be “people” – whether in the form of spirits, gods, or angels – behind everything that happens and that, in the case of monotheism, there must be a single all powerful patriarch who knows what is going on and who planned the whole thing and so we can know the relaxing comfort and peace of the well tended sheep.

The truth is that there is nobody in charge. We have no shepherd and there is no flock. Leadership in a transpersonal sense is so ephemeral as to be semi-mythical. The politicians we elect becoming secular demigods in our minds, invested with powers far beyond mere top adminitrators.

But this truth – that we are unled – is absolutely intolerable to the human mind and soul. And so we make up ways to deny it, to imagine that someone, somewhere, is in charge of everything and this is all part of their plan.

Indeed, the existence of elaborate and intricate conspiracy theories demonstrates how we would rather believe that we are rule by dark gods for reptile brain reasons than believe we are ruled by nobody at all.

More after the break.

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My baby don’t mess around

Don’t worry, I am not going to go off on another weird and uncomfortable rant about how strange it is that we have this massive taboo against pedophilia yet we call our love ones “baby” or anything like that.

I will probably revisit that topic eventually,. but not tonight.

No, I just want to meditate on sexual fidelity in general because it has always puzzled me. I have never understood why people would bet their entire marriages, families, and futures on their ability to never sleep with anyone else for the rest of their lives.

To me, that seems like a foolhardy investment. We are a horny species and we need variety. in order to stay stimulated. I would not blame my spouse for wanting to fuck other people eventually.

Ergo, I would not make that commitment. Not unless my partner wanted it, because I don’t personally see myself as having trouble with that commitment.

But I have never been in a relationship, so what the fuck do I know? I find it entirely plausible that the same instinct that makes other people demand sexual fidelity from their mates will kick in once I am in a relationship, and I will be driven mad by the thought of my husband in the arms of another just like everyone else.

Because I know for sure that I am capable of enormous jealousy. It just does not revolve around sex. It revolves around attention and intimacy.

What my hubby does with his genitals when he’s not around me does not concern me as long as he practices safe sex.

But if I feel like he is ignoring me in favour of someone else, or god help me, I think he is falling in love with someone else, there WILL be fireworks.

When it comes to love, I do not share. Tried it twice, hated it. I need someone to whom I am their everything, because that is what they will be to me.

And you can’t have two everythings. That’s just math.

I know that if I am in love with someone, I will be passionately devoted to them. Not in a creepy psycho stalker ex kind of way, but definitely not in a restrained British way either.

My love is big love. Whoever I am in a relationship with will have to be able to handle that. And for a lot of people, it is overwhelming, and they can’t handle it.

Fair enough. I can restrain my enthusiastic and effusive nature somewhat for the right man. But I will not shrink my heart for anybody.

Whether it is loud or quiet in public, my love will continue to be big and heartfelt and passionate and full on.

And the one for me will have to be someone who can take it.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.