I feel like my message to myself about not needing to “wait” for rescue or for someone to love me any more is not really getting through to my deeper mind.
Otherwise known as my inner child.
The fact that those two are the same thing seems to elude even the most resourceful of mystics. Pity, because it would make their world much simpler.
Regardless, I think I may be doomed to having to just keep telling myself that same thing over and over again until it truly sinks in.
Repeat until believed, and all that.
Which means, dear readers, that you are going to be reading it again and again.
Sorry about that.
I think one of the primary things keeping me in the old loop, besides habit, is the fact that the alternative is unknown to me, and involves taking on a lot of responsibility for myself and my fate for basically the first time in my life.
All my life, I have drifted, just going along with whatever was expected of me at the time. And when nothing was expected of me, that’s what I did : nothing.
Well, nothing except entertain myself, that is. It’s not like when nobody expects anything of me I just stare, glassy eyed, at the nearest wall.
And for me, the only stream I know how to drift down is school. That is literally the only thing that has ever propelled my life besides two ill-fated attempts at romance.
Never change coastlines and countries in pursuit of romance, dear readers. Or at least, not without securing a work visa first.
Look, I never said I was prudent.
But mostly it’s been education that moved me. No education, no motion. Just the endless mental masturbation of fucking video games.
Nobody hates junk like a junky hates junk.
I drifted (or coasted) through the regular school system and UPEI. I drifted through Kwantlen and VFS. At all other times, I was dead in the water, trapped in the doldrums by mental illness and the resulting spiritual weakness.
But things are going to change. And the first thing that’s going to have to change is that I need to stop drifting and pick up the oars and row, god dammit.
But to where? Once more, the Infinite Corridor of Infinite Doors rears its ugly head.
Maybe I am trying too hard. Maybe I don’t need to find the “right” path at all. In fact, maybe I would be better off just trying the first thing I can think of that appeals to me.
That way I would at least get something done, even if it turns out to be “wrong”.
Maybe for some people, trying to be prudent and only make “smart” moves is the wrong path, and they are much better off following their natural enthusiasm down whatever paths strike their fancy and learning from the resultant mistakes.
That way, that marvelous enthusiasm stays healthy and strong and they never have to worry about “finding motivation” at all.
And maybe I am one of those people.
Maybe I need to stop trying the “right” option or the “safe” option and lower the bar to “whatever seems to be better than doing nothing but play video games”.
That seems like a much saner and smarter way to go about things.
More after the break.
Adventures in ordering in
Another way for this seemingly simple process to fuck up.
I decided I wanted Chinese food. Not an easy decision around here as there are LOTS of Chinese restaurants – hell, around here even the sushi places are Chinese – but very few of them serve “Chinese Food” as we know it here in North America.
I looked over a bunch of places. All too weird or too expensive. Since when did charging $22+ per dish become the norm??
So I decided I wanted Mexican food. Not an easy decision seeing as there are very FEW Mexican places here in Richmond. But I figured I would give good old Taco Del Mar a bit of my business.
Nope. They have either disappeared from Skip the Dishes or were never there in the first places and I used to order from them via DoorDash.
Until THEY decided they hated prepaid credit cards. Grr.
Places like that say it’s because of “security risks”. By which they mean “poor people”. They didn’t like us poor people being able to buy things with credit cards like we were actual valid human beings so they booted us off their platform.
Fine, Now Skip gets my money, NOT YOU.
Ahem. Anyhow. No Taco Del Mar but apparently we have a place called Chipotle’s now. Not a part of the American chain by that name, I don’t think. From what I have heard in American Media, their Chipotle’s has a radically different business model.
So I order. And I wait. I mess around making images and watching YouTube like usual. Around 20 minutes later, I check the app on my tablet. It says it is STILL in the “finding a courier and confirming your order” phase.
Uh oh. That’s like the first phase!
I wait another ten minutes. Still stuck there. So I try to cancel my order so I can order from somewhere else.
The app tells me I can’t cancel my order now.
Motherfucker says WHAT? Now I feel trapped. Like I am suddenly in some Kafkaesque hell where I never get my food and never get my money back.
So I fret. And I stress. And I am building up a head of steam and ready to go full Karen on some Skip employee who answers their help chat thing when the phone rings.
It’s my food. It’s here.
Turns out it was just that the app had fucked up. Everything was actually going fine. My food was not even later than it usually is.
Good thing I didn’t go ham on some poor help desk chat person, then. Hehe.
Anyhow, that’s my evening. How was yours?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.