Waiting for spuug to show up. He’s have transport issues.
I am glad I called on him to do the memory job because, as he reminded me, my computer’s case is quite tiny and so putting the memory IN will mean taking a lot of stuff OUT, and that is not something I would feel remotely comfortable doing.
So much for the whole “it’s super easy! Just plug a thing into a thing!” idea.
I am thinking that I might completely the trifecta and get a new case when I get the motherboard and CPU combo.
That combination of things used to be called a “barebones PC”, but of course, like all good and useful terminology, its meaning has drifted over time.
I am pondering whether I might be best off buying my barebones from a small computer shop. The thought is that they can offer me a better price than the big boys as well as personal service I sure as fuck can’t get from Amazon.
I will mull it over. No rush on that. I won’t be in a position to maybe get what I want until the New Year. For now, all I need do is put my Xmas money together.
I am in a good position. Today is Deposit Day and I have roughly $160 in my wallet from last month. That’s a good nest egg right there, and the only person’s Xmas money in there is my mother’s.
I am hoping to get around $300-$400 together. That should be enough to future-proof my PC for a while, which is my ultimate goal.
And, ya know, to be able to play current games better too. I can’t wait to play Baldur’s Gate 3 with 24 gigs of physical memory instead of a mere 8.
At least, I think it will be 24 gigs. I am pretty sure the 8 gigs I have right now is built into the motherboard and therefore not taking up one of the two memory slots on it.
I mean, going from 8 to 16 would still be great. But I want MORE dammit!
Video games are my main hobby, after all. Makes sense to invest my meager moolah there. Properly done, upgrading my computer could bring me gaming pleasure for years and years to come.
Well, I have had a looksee at good ol Amazon.ca and it turns out there is still such a thing as a barebones PC. Go figure.
Of course, I still don’t understand most of the techno gobbledygook that comes with any of these barebones PCs. I can’t even tell exactly what any of them have inside because the information comes at me like this :
“Mini PC OS Desktop PC 12th Gen Intel N100 4C/4T 16G DDR4 500G M.2 PCIE1 SSD TRIGKEY G4 Mini Computer, Support W10 Working Micro PC, 4K@60Hz UHD Graphics Dua; Display”
Plus a lot of these rigs are described as “mini PCs”, and I know I don’t want one of those. They are cutesie little hobbyist computers for tech types who want a baby PC to play with and nurture and go “Wow, look at all the stuff it can do despite being so cute!”.
Nuh-uh. I want a monster. A mad beast that hungers to smash through millions of floating point operations a second to give me gaming joy.
To hell with your toys, I want a real man’s computer!
More after the break.
The harm we do to ourselves
Once more, Psych2Go has my number.
Let’s go through the list.
Social withdrawal. AKA my entire adult life. Low self esteem? Check. It wasn’t all that long ago that I hated myself. Now I just get on my nerves sometimes.
Viewing self as damaged and unworthy? Check. Still working on that one. It is very hard to remember that other people don’t see me that way and that this deep feeling of being disgusting and toxic is the product of my mental and physical illness and nothing more.
Viewing other people as evil and untrustworthy? Yes and no. I see people as unreliable and when the insanity has me in its grip, I feel like everyone hates me and is judging me and wants me to just crawl off and die because how dare I think I had the right to force people to see me by going out in public.
Damn. Never typed it out quite like that before. That’s so messed up.
Lashing out? Thankfully no, but then again. nobody has gotten all that close to me either. And I am very afraid that if they ever do, out will come the rage and I will lash out with all the fury of the wounded child who doesn’t want to let anyone touch them again.
At least I am aware of the potential problem, and that’s a very good start.
Freezing up. Yup. To a pathological degree. And she is right, it began as a response to a situation where I felt utterly helpless, to wit, when I was being raped.
I fled to the only place I could go : into my mind.
Dissociating? Ayup, a lot. Zoning out/brain fog? Hell yeah. Emotionally numb? I am a afraid so. Difficulty in making decisions or taking action? SO MUCH YES. And a paralyzing fear of trying new things? Ditto.
It’s like in one minute she summarized me completely. And…
Fawning. That’s the big one for me right now and I have only scratched the surface of it. It’s clear to me now that my response to trauma was to flee and/or freeze, and when that didn’t work, to turn on the cuteness and charm… and helplessness.
After all, if you’re helpless, you’re nonthreatening. And innocent. In a twisted way it’s like I am trying to turn the threat into a friend or even a caregiver.
I’m not proud of that. What man could be? But I do not doubt that it is true.
And judging by how much it still hurts to talk about it, I clearly need to talk about it more.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.