I just had a rather delicious thought.
You know, technically, I am now a pornographer.
Oooh, I felt a delightful frisson run up and down my spine just typing that.
After all, I’ve always wanted to be one. I consider the production and distribution of truly filthy pornography to be one of the highest forms of arm, and a vitally important service to all communities around the world.
People need to get off, dammit. And I am deliriously happy to help them.
And I do, indeed, create porn and distribute it via e6ai.net. It is, admittedly, a rather niche website in the very niche world of furry smut, but I am still putting my stuff out there for the world to see.
Well, the small percentage of it that is suitable for public viewing, anyhow. Ehehehe.
And I sincerely hope at least one person has brought themselves to orgasm while viewing an image I generated. That would make me so happy.
I wonder if I should try putting some of my stuff on PornHub? I know they accept furry porn, I have seen some there.
Who knows, maybe I could even attract a dedicated following if I put my stuff up on someplace with high enough visibility.
Oooh! Another delightful thought : I could even write and illustrate my own pornographic novels. That would be within my current capacities, given a little help from something along the lines of a book type template for OfficeLibre.
I definitely would be hard pressed to format and typeset the thing myself.
My greatest hope for my image generation capabilities is to be able to make my own comic books, or maybe another webcomic like Hank Watches Television.
You know, some of those were pretty darn good.
Once more, I must gently remind myself that I am an outrageously talented and deeply hilarious dude who has a lot to offer the world.
And maybe that is part of the problem, in a way. I still have to overcome the part of me that is terrified of going out there into the big bad world and getting “trapped” out there without the ability to disappear into my hidey hole when I feel overwhelmed.
I suppose it doesn’t have to be like that, though. As long as I am working from the apartment here and I don’t overcommit myself and leave myself with too little alone time, there is no reason why I can’t explore the big bad world while still having my bed right behind me for whenever I need to reset and relax.
I don’t have to go from this limp and lifeless limbo of mine to being up and ready and functional 24/7, or even eight “working” hours a day.
I just have to do a little more than what I am used to. Send out a feeler to a potential fun way to become more visible to the world now and then. Open my mind to the real, not just theoretical, possibility of opening up my world a bit. Face that ice cold tidal wave of fear inside me and try to bleed away some of its energy when I can.
Sometimes baby steps are all you need in order to get started.
And the whole time, my nice warm bed will be there waiting for me.
I don’t even have to stand up to go there.
More after the break.
Turning down the fear
I guess it’s a two pronged approach :
- steel myself to endure the fear to get what I want
- reduce the amplitude of said fear to make that more doable
Prong 1 (I love a good prong) is tricky. I kind of have to wait until the energy is right, like I’m Luke Skywalker.
Most of the time, I feel weak and timid and fragile and like I am barely hanging in there. This is not a feeling that inspires courage or risk-taking.
Trying to charge ahead into the teeth of the tempest when I feel like that feels like lunacy. Like trying to tap-dance on two broken legs.
Hopefully, the B12 shots I am getting from Doctor Chao will help with that. In theory, once my B12 levels are normalized, I should feel a hell of a lot better as finally my nerves and muscles will be getting enough of what they need.
Sure would be nice not to feel so cold and brittle all the goddamned time.
Prong 2 (one prong is never enough) is both simpler and more complicated.
Simpler, in that what needs to be done is fairly straightforward : I need to find more outlets for my energies so I can reduce the massive overcharge of nervous energy that is the main root cause of my equally massive burden of free-floating anxiety.
If I could redirect enough of my energies into energetic activities, productive or not, I could maybe calm down enough to finally exit freeze mode and be able to think and breathe and regulate my emotions properly.
That sure sounds nice.
But like almost everything, that’s easier said than done. The very fear I am trying to disarm and defeat stands in the way, and the only way to get past that would be to do the very sort of blockade running charge I talked about in Prong 1.
Still, I refuse to give up. If nothing else, I am trying to let my frustrations build to a point where they will be strong enough to overcome my wimpy, diffident resistance.
And there’s the long term project of trying to learn to see the world in warmer, more merciful and humane ways than my usual stark and brutal scientism.
It all seems so cold and sad now. But for now, it’s still all I have.
I want to leave this Midnight Tundra behind. I want to be warm and human and alive. I want to feel things like human beings are meant to feel them. I want to be part of the human race at long, long last.
I don’t know how to get there.
But I am going anyhow.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.