I think I may have had some sort of cardiac…. event… last night.
I was just lying in bed with the lights off, like I do, when I got this really “funny” feeling in my chest. A weird, wet, tingling kind of feeling. And at the same time, I became dizzy and nauseous and a tiny bit faint.
So I sensibly continued to lie there in the dark while this happened, and the dizziness and nausea soon passed but that “funny” feeling hung around for hours.
And I don’t know what to make of this odd occurrence. I can’t very well call it a heart attack as my symptoms were quite mild and there was no pain or major discomfort.
But then again, I have no idea what would have happened if I had tried to stand up or even sit up during the incident. It might have gone very badly for me.
And it weirds me out that this came on when I was doing absolutely nothing. I think my body would have been experiencing more stress and strain if I’d been asleep.
So apparently some part of myself threw a wobbly without being triggered by anything I did. Some important thing in my heart got to the point where it was just fundamentally fed up by what was going on a so it pitched a fit.
This frightens me terribly. If I am not even safe when I am at a point of bare minimum strain, then I have no control over this shit at all.
Well, except for one thing : I can take it to the doctor. Which I think I am going to have to do. I was already thinking about getting Julian to take me to Urgent Care after Wound Care (and then on to Urgent Wound) tomorrow because the stitch in my side has actually gotten worse, and then this thing happened.
At least this shit isn’t hitting me on the weekend, so there’s a chance that Urgent Care won’t be TOO slammed.
The stitch and the cardiac event might be related, might not be. I will present them both to the UC doctor as potentially related.
And that stitch has been there for over a week now. And like I said, it’s gotten worse. I think that whatever happened in my sleep to cause it the first time happened again, so now it’s more painful and seems to involve more muscles.
Which is another good reason to get my big bad beautiful butt in front of a doctor while it’s still a problem I can live with.
Luckily, it mostly only hurts when I sit up or stand up or twist my torso while reaching for something, and stuff like that.
But I guess my period of relative quiet and peace and at least the illusion of stable health is over and it’s time for things to start going wrong again.
It was nice while it lasted. I will miss it now that it’s gone.
Of course, the most probable outcome of my going to UC remains that they will find absolutely nothing wrong with me and I will feel silly and stupid for wasting everybody’s time by acting like some minor thing is a big bad disease.
Either that, or I simply have an atypical ailment that the usual medical screens don’t catch and so I actually am sick but in a way I can neither justify or explain.
And I shouldn’t have to. I’m the patient. I show up, describe my symptoms, comply with the doctor’s instructions, and then my part is over.
It’s up to them to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.
Yeah… good luck with that.
More after the break.
It ain’t good
Today has been rough.
My mysterious condition has been kicking my ass today. I just staggered back to this computer desk of mine after making my supper and I was in a LOT of pain.
Something to remember the next time I get to wondering if the whole thing is psychosomatic. I can’t make this shit up.
There was too many areas hurting all at once, and in different ways, for it to be something projected by my imagination.
But it was real bad. Pain all through my knees, my thighs, my forearms, and in all my major joints. Oh, and a sick headache like from heatstroke, too.
Life is like a box of chocolates. I can’t eat it or it will kill me.
So I am not in the best of moods right now. I have honestly been feeling cranky all day, even since that little cardiac incident.
I guess pain and fear can make a fella ornery.
But you know what? I embrace and accept my shitty mood. Excrement occurs. Now that I have stopped suppressing and compressing my emotions in order to create an artificial state of eerie calm, every possible emotion is in play.
And I like it that way. It feels good to feel things again. I want to be alive inside and ready to feel my way through this world as I explore it and to keep on listening to my emotions instead of stuffing them in a closet with a rag in their mouth.
Harsh image, but apt.
And I am just getting started. I’m still standing in the doorway enjoying the breeze and luxuriating in the glorious feeling of fresh air on my skin. I am pausing at the threshold.
There is so much more for me to open up and explore. Right now, the weight of possibilities is keeping me from going forward. That whole, “but then I would have to figure out what to do with myself” thing still lingers on.
But I am working on a solution. One that says it is better to make the wrong decision impulsively and learn from it than to linger forever in indecision.
There are far, far worse things than making the wrong choice.
So fuck it. Flip a fucking coin.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.