If only there was a word….

Anyhow, I definitely just played way too much Assassin’s Creed : Odyssey.

I played for almost four hours in a row and during that time I did not feel tired or sleepy until right before I stopped.

I’d like to think that even if it hadn’t been time to lunch and blog, I would have stopped at that point anyway, but who knows?

Clearly my common sense was on vacation or something.

Anyhow, I knew I had fucked up the minute I actually stopped and quit the game.

Instantly, this heavy blanket of deferred tiredness landed on me and I began to feel a little lightheaded and confused.

But I still needed to make my lunch. So I had a command decision to make. Do I head to the kitchen like normal despite my feeling like my blood sugar was slipping, or do I call Julian and enlist his help?

I decided that, given that I didn’t even know if he was home or not, and I am, after all, smart of thought but dumb of action, I went for it.

And I was fine, more or less. I didn’t feel great and I was very glad to get back to my seat here in front of Mister Computer with my food, but I did not set of a cascade failure of my entire metabolism, and that’s a good thing.

I am so god damned sick of getting dizzy at the drop of a very small hat.

Now I have eaten all my food, and I sure hope that’s enough to keep me running right because I don’t have any more food here in my room and I don’t want to risk getting up to go get more.

But I do have an unopened bag of No Name pretzels out in the living room. Hmm.

What I could really use is some mixed carbs. Some complex carbs for the long haul energy plus a small amount of simple carbs to ignite the complex carbs like some kind of metabolic spark plug.

I don’t know what would fulfil that brief. A frosted bran muffin?

Julian was nice enough to bring me my pretzels. They’ll have to do.

I honestly don’t know how much trouble I’m in. On the one hand, I’m not super hungry any more, on the other hand the dizziness seems to be getting worse and is now accompanied by a weird heavy bloated feeling in my arms.

I am definitely laying down when I finish my words.

Things are feeling a lot more random for me lately. I guess that’s what comes of relaxing the system that kept me on guide rails going slowly forward like I was on some kind of dark ride that I until recently took to be my reality.

But the real world is the carnival outside the ride. Loud, colorful, busy, and a heck of a lot of fun if you’re doing it right.

For the record, I’ve not been doing it right.

It is admittedly tough to see the fun in life when you feel as bad as I do right now.

As if the other weirdness wasn’t enough, I’m also in the midst of an allergy attack.

Damn do I need to get back on them antihistamines.

My IBS has been acting up a bit too. Honestly, all I really want to do right now is go to sleep in the hopes of feeling better when I wake up.

That might be a bad idea. It would suck to have a blood sugar crash in my sleep.

But honestly, I’m not even sure it’s optional at this poitn.

More after the break.

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Stop resisting yourself

I am a man of intense inner conflict.

For decades, I have been quashing every drive I have except the ones involved with playing video games and writing on this here blog o’ mine.

You may have seen it.

And the thing is, these drives don’t just go away. They are still running away inside me just like with everybody else.

But mine are jammed. Blocked. Stopped up. It’s like the engine is revving away but the car is up against a brick wall.

Not only does this not get me anywhere, but it’s not good for the car either.

Thus I am a being subject to massive internal stresses. My mind and body are constantly at war with themselves as the drives say “go!” and the depression says “no!”, and I think it takes a toll on me that I have never truly acknowledged because if I did, I might want to do something about it, and “doing things” is strictly forbidden by the fascist state that is my inner life.

After all, if I start “doing things”, who knows what I will do? Answer, nobody! Not even me. And surely no good can come of such rampant anarchy!

Of course, I know that such feelings are wrong. I know that I would be a hell of a lot better if I just took my foot off the brake and let myself go. I know that all this self-resistance is very bad for me and boht my health and my happiness, and that surely there has to be a better way.

But I’m scared.

I’ve lived this way for almost thirty years now. I don’t know any other way to live. I have no idea what it’s like to act on my impulses. And I have no faith that it will lead to positive outcomes because of that lack of experience.

What I really need is a firm, strong, competent hand to hold me and calm me and guide me and help me get out of my own shadow so I can live.

I can’t do that for myself, any more than you can lift yourself by the scruff of your neck. I don’t have any memories of a better me to draw on.

For me, there’s been school and failure and that’s it.

And I went through absolutely none of the developmental stages that would have prepared me to be my own person and make it on my own.

No wonder I have always been sure that I will die out there, despite the fact that I have all the skills i need to survive.

But I never launched.

And it’s getting rather late in the game to do it now.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.