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I feel tired. But in an unusual way.
It feels like I am sagging all over. Like I’m a half-inflated balloon. When I went to get my lunch just now, it felt like my muscles were just hanging off my bones and that made it trickier than usual to stay upright and put my lunch together.
I felt somewhat dizzy too. Not nearly as bad as it has been in the past, but it didn’t help.
I’ve felt like this ever since I woke from a nap at around 4:05 pm. Just getting up to turn the stupid alarm clock app off on Mister Computer felt like a long haul.
Then I had to sit there just kind of zoned out for around fifteen minutes as I gathered the strength to go get my food.
Now this is probably nothing. I am probably just dehydrated. It’s easy for that to creep up on me, especially if my sleep has been extra sweaty.
Then I get to wake up dehydrated. Fun.
Additionally, it could be sleep debt coming due as well. I have a dim but present feeling like I slept particularly deeply this afternoon, and if so, I am going to want to get back to sleep as soon as possible in order to take full advantage of this rare window in the sturm und drang inside my head to get all the REM sleep I can!
Because yeah, my sleep still kind of sucks.
At least I am able to get a solid four contiguous hours a night now. I have put the days of not being able to sleep more than one and a half hours behind me, at least for now.
And I definitely intuit that this blessed evolution of my sleep cycle had something to do with a reduction noise and chaos in my head.
It’s still a far cry from a normal eight hours a night of sleep but it’s a heck of a lot better than the previous benighted era.
One must celebrate one’s triumphs, no mater how small.
You need to validate and encourage yourself.
And that can be very hard when your self-esteem is abysmally low, because in that state, you don’t value your own opinion enough to self-validate.
It’s like, oh great, I have the support of THAT idiot. Yippie.
But I am trying, Doctor Scott[1], I’m trying.
Speaking of poor Doctor Scott, his videos have been triggering that strange rage response in me that I first observed when I joined an online mental health mutual support community a few years back.
It’s like when the things I am seeing and reading cross some invisible line inside me they set off my deep anger in a somewhat explosive way.
Quite out of character for me. Moreso than is healthy, in fact.
Consequently, the comments section on Doctor Scott’s vids have received some blisteringly bitter and angry posts from me.
It’s OK, though, because his vids get way too many comments for him to possibly read them all, and even if he did, he’s a board certified psychologist, I am sure he is quite accustomed to having “patients” lash out at him reactively.
Even a sometimes cold fish like me can be triggered when someone is poking around in my psyche’s innards.
And it’s good for me to get that stuff out of my system. They say depression is anger turned inwards, ergo getting that anger out reduces depression.
I have a lot of emotions chained up by “reason” and “logic” inside me and I am going to have to unchain and experience them all if I want to be well.
And I do.
More after the break.
I feel so sore
OK, I’m going to just blab this out here in order to get it out of my head :
What I am most afraid of is that this is my new normal.
That my mysterious ailment has progressed and taken yet another big chunk of my vitality and ability away and now I am going to feel like this – sore and weak and dizzy – until my mystery ailment decides to get even worse and then it’s the hospital bed and the god damned tubes everywhere for me.
This is not a prediction or a diagnosis. I am not saying that this is definitely what is happening or is going to happen. For all I know, this will just be one of my attacks of health weirdness that will pass in a day or two.
Of course, some of those attacks leave me weaker than before. 🙁
Oh well, Just another day in the slow roast Hell that is my life. I am sure that I will feel better soon, but as to my ultimate fate, who knows?
Not my doctor, that’s for sure.
All I can do is keep plugging along trying to fix my head so that I can also fix my body, although I am willing to entertain the notion of doing it the other way around.
I mean, I know what I need to do : move more. Exercise. Exit this state of cozy torpor and stand up and get moving.
Metaphorically speaking, of course. I can’t stand up for very long.
And I have no philosophical objection to moving around more. No doubt I would feel a lot better. Happier, less stressed, more alive. All that good stuff.
But right now I feel like someone waking up on Sunday morning and thinking of all the reasons they have to get out of bed. They’ll get a tasty breakfast, play with and groom the dog, maybe do a crossword puzzle. All things they’ll enjoy.
But they just can’t bring themselves to breach that lovely envelope of warmth and face the colder, more demanding world out there when it’s so nice in here.
I’ll have to find the motivation to do it some day.
But not just yet,
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.