I have had SUCH a week!
And it ain’t over yet.
Here’s the vid.
Right now I feel pretty sore. All that squishing and squeezing, plus my unusually high activity level over the past three days, has left me achy and cranky.
It’s a good thing I am alone right now because I might snap at someone if they got on my nerves right now.
And that would not be acceptable. Not coming from me.
For one thing, I know that with my sniper’s wit, a casual cranky comment from me could really hurt somebody.
For another thing, I place a lot of value on self control. As patient readers know, my late father, Larry, was an angry, impatient. short tempered man and I will forever hate his memory for his inability, and/or unwillingness, to restrain his anger so that he did not end up hurting his wife and children.
Would that have been too much to ask? Apparently so.
And I know that having made it this far without turning into him is no guarantee that it will never happen. I can feel that anger and impatience within me. There are times when it’s like having a pack of barking dogs in my head and the easiest thing in the world would be to set them loose.
But I will never do that.
Or at least not until I am rich and famous and spoiled.
Because unlike good ol Larry, I have the empathy to feel my effect on others and that means that to hurt others is to hurt myself.
Luckily, that also means that to make others happy is to make me happy. So that’s the kind of thing I try to focus on.
I really should try to get back to doing standup.
Still, as patient readers also know, this leaves me with vast oceans of unexpressed anger that no doubt wreaks havoc on my mental health.
So let’s quickly go through my usual bullshit on this subject :
- I have a lot of untapped rage
- It’s very bad for me
- I would be a lot better off if I found a way to express it
- But expressing it means maybe hurting others
- That is completely unacceptable to me
- I need a non-destructive outlet for my latent furor.
- But that involves dealing with my anger and all that anger scares me and makes me feel like if I open the door to it even a tiny bit, I will go all Mister Hyde
- So I guess I will just keep suppressing it forever
That gets the basic idea across.
And it’s not like I can’t think of healthy outlets. Sex could be one of them, if body and mind cooperated. Getting into political discussions online could also provide some way to vent my bile. Or I could buy an old mattress and beat the stuffing out of it.
But those are just more pearls on my ever so long string of things I could do and probably should do but don’t, and I have to live with that.
What I can’t afford to do is drive myself crazy by trying to brute force my way through the problem because that only creates enormous tension within me as my mind attempts to force a jammed mechanism.
Much better to go the opposite direction and try to relax the whole system so that the jam just falls right out on its own.
If you catch my drift. And by drift I mean metaphor.
This is a lesson I have been trying to learn for a long time now. A deep part of me wants to be active and activated and be able to, at long last, harness my unprocessed id energies and get them working in my own best interests.
As opposed to having them all jammed up inside me and causing me pain.
I just have to find a solution that is right for me.
All these “shoulda/woulda” scenarios are just ideas that did not fit and therefore were not executed by me.
If I want to do more things than I need to find way more things that I not only could do and should do but WOULD do.
And that requires knowing myself a lot better.
More after the break.
Late addition : Here’s blood in your eye!
So I happened to glance in the mirror as I washed my hands earlier today and boggled because there was something in my left eye.
Literally. As in, inside the eyeball.
Turned out to be a triangle shaped patch of BLOOD, with the point of the triangle pointing at the center of my pupil.
This alarmed me.
So being me, I then sat down to play video games while I thought the whole thing over. Basically, I needed time to talk myself into doing what I had to do.
Which was go to the ER. Blood in your eyeball is not the sort of thing one ignores, even if one is as lazy and reluctant to do that as I am.
Because the ER sucks.
And boy did it suck tonight. I was there for FIVE AND A HALF FREAKING HOURS before a doctor finally saw me, gave me like a ten second exam, and told me it was no big deal so I should just go home.
YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT HOURS AGO.
I had a couple of books with me, so it wasn’t a total drag. And I am sort of quantum proud (both proud and not proud in superposition) of the fact that at around the three hour mark I marched up to the triage window and told them how pissed off I was.
After which the nurse I bitched at came out and talked to me. It was… civil. He explained to me that they only had one “eye room” and so I had to wait for it.
I call shenanigans. What, one person was monopolizing the one “eye room” for all of those hours? Plus I had been in that “eye room” before (when virtually the same thing happened) and apart from one piece of equipment (which is ON WHEELS), there is nothing particularly specialized to eye work in there.
Doctor Cheng could have seen me in the waiting room and saved us all a lot of time.
Oh well, it’s over now. Next time I will check out the new Urgent Care over on Shellbridge. According to an old fella I talked to in the waiting room, when he went there there was nobody in the waiting room and he was seen right away.
Well that explains why the one on 3 Road is still absolutely slammed and there’s no point in going there after 10 am because they’re already booked up for the day.
Clearly people don’t know about the new one at all yet.
Really wish I had done that instead.
Oh well, next time.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.